If I Can't Change Your Mind

I asked the cards how to be with my ex

It was a no TV Saturday for me, so I was pumping Spotify through my Wonderboom in the kitchen when this magical number began to fill the air:

Tears fill up my eyes
I'm washed away with sorrow
And somewhere in my mind
I know there's no tomorrow
I see you're leaving soon
I guess you've had your fill
But if I can't change your mind
Then no one will

And all throughout the years
I've never strayed from you my dear
But you suspect I'm somewhere else
You're feeling sorry for yourself
Leaving with a broken heart
I love you even still
But if I can't change your mind
Then no one will

Even though my heart keeps breaking
Don't you know that I'll be waiting
Here for you
Then when you return
When will you return
I hope you see I'm dedicated
Look how long that I have waited
If you come back then you will find
A different person
If you change your mind

How can I explain away
Something that I haven't done
And if you can't trust me now
You'll never trust in anyone
With all the crazy doubts you've got
I love you even still
But if I can't change your mind
Then no one will

Someday you'll see I've been true
I'll stay that way until
But if I can't change your mind
Then no one will

I know the pain of which he sings, though the end of my romance with the New Englander did not come as a result of not being able to change his mind, or me not changing mine.

I feel like I've been through lots of machinations over the 11 weeks since he moved out, starting with a deep sadness upon physical parting, moving on to a sense of relief that I wasn't still fighting the same battles and negotiating the same minefields it felt I'd been negotiating for months, then feeling like I was going to get to skip over the agony of a breakup because this just needed to happen, to where I've been the last few days, really showing up to the grief of having this wonderful person not turn out to be my person after all.

It's so hard to know what kind of relationship is best for us now and how it's going to work. Prior to tonight, we'd only had one real conversation since he moved back to New England. I found that first conversation difficult because it hurt to hear his voice and to have him call me babe, etc. even though I felt I'd been clear about the necessary shift to friendship.

After that I told myself I didn't want to talk to him, and toward the end of this week I realized that was coming from a place of self-protection. I was keeping him at arms length so I didn't have to feel that deep pain of which I spoke a couple paragraphs ago, but of course not feeling it didn't mean it wasn't there.

I asked the oracle (by drawing a card) what I needed to know about my relationship now with the New Englander and I drew the card you can see pictured above, which instructed me to practice devotion to those closest to me.

And even 1100 miles apart, he remains, as the lovely phone conversation we had tonight proved, one of those closest to me...

The Last Day of Summer

I think I'm better at being on vacation than I am at being at home. I sleep better on vacation. I feel better -- less stressed about everything that needs to be done. And I'm trying not to be, but I'm feeling a little depressed about this being the last day of summer.

Lucky for us, some of the most famous depressives wrote a song about this just for today:

Nothing I am
Nothing I dream
Nothing is new
Nothing I think or believe in or say
Nothing is true

It used to be so easy
I never even tried
Yeah it used to be so easy...

But the last day of summer
Never felt so cold
The last day of summer
Never felt so old
Never felt so...

All that I have
All that I hold
All that is wrong
All that I feel for or trust in or love
All that is gone

It used to be so easy
I never even tried
Yeah it used to be so easy...

But then I had to come back from vacation and figure out how to be the brave single mom, homeowner, and business owner that I am.

Good thing it is not in fact, cold today. It actually still feels like summer, so that helps.

It's also the first day of something for me -- the whole 30 program -- which I am excited to see if it does, as it says it does, reduce inflammation in my gut and reduce stiffness in my joints. Finding out if those two things are possible feel like they're worth giving up most of the things I eat, including all grains (that's right, all of them, even brown rice and quinoa), sugar, alcohol and dairy -- though on this plan you can have eggs which is a lifesaver, especially since legumes are on the no list.

I always learn something new when I do a cleanse, and I'm sure this one will be no different. I wish I handled transitions better, but they've always been hard for me. Here's hoping the Whole 30 program will make this transition to fall easier or more fruitful in some way...