Feel So Close

Last night for dinner, my kids and I decided to go to Luigi's for dinner, a local Italian restaurant with really good pizza. I'd noticed the last time we were there, while I was still eating wheat, that they offer a gluten-free crust for a $5 up-charge, so I was excited to check that out.

When we walked in, a waiter we'd had previously smiled at us and said: "Hi family!" It was friendly enough, but it took me right back to the last time he'd said it, which was when there was still a man in our life and a fourth at our supper table.

After we finished eating, the kids ran outside to play while I waited for the check. When the waiter came over, he asked: "Where's Dad tonight?"

So I explained the situation to him. "'Dad' was my boyfriend, and he moved back to New England, where he'd moved here from to be with us."

"Oh," said the waiter. "So are y'all still together?"

I told him we weren't, that I'm just not a person for whom long distance relationships work well. I want to be physically close to my man, and be able to spend time with him. He said he understood, and felt the same way, and had been trying to break it off with a woman he'd been dating because she lived two hours away.

I'm happy to say at the point now where I can talk about it without crying. I do feel ok about it, overall. It feels good to be clear about my own needs for a change. But I miss having a man around, that's for sure. My daughter and I tried to put the slackline up yesterday that the man we had gave us, but we failed miserably.

Pondering all this, the song that came to me was this one, which my daughter and I heard in the car the other day, and sang together:

I feel so close to you right now
It's a force field
I wear my heart upon my sleeve, like a big deal
Your love pours down on me, surrounds me like a waterfall
And there's no stopping us right now
I feel so close to you right now

And there's no stopping us right now

And there's no stopping us right now

And there's no stopping us right now

I feel so close to you right now...

For now, I feel really close to my kids, and that feels good. My son, especially, works hard to remain close to our departed family member, and he's told me in no uncertain terms that he remains a family member in his eyes.

I'm good with that, but for me, well, I need to make space for a man I can feel so close to, a man with whom nothing's stopping us from having everything we both want and need...