Barely Breathing

I spent the night in Milwaukee last night with friends. Ate a little too much, drank a little too much -- both of these made it harder to show up for the 8 am breath work and Sanskrit, 9 am led Ashtanga class at Ashtanga Circle this morning.

But I don't think the hour of breath work would have gone smoothly under the best of circumstances. Breathing properly has not come easy for me for a long, long time. One thing about trauma is that the breath tends to get held, and in my case I don't think I fully exhaled between the ages of 4 and 38. That's a long time to be in fight or flight mode, and my body still wants to jump back there at the least sign of something discomfiting. And this was definitely discomfiting. I had trouble doing the specific practices, and when I did manage to do them, tears came.

It's a little embarrassing, even in a setting like a yoga studio, to be the only one moved to tears. It's not the first time it has happened to me, and I think I felt less shame about it this time and more curiosity about why I am the only one with this well of unstoppable tears.

What I know for sure is that my own experience makes me profoundly compassionate as a teacher, and for that, I am grateful.

I heard this song on the drive back to Madison, which seems apropos of my experience today:

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah

Everyone keeps asking
What's it all about?
I used to be so certain
Now I can't figure out

What is this attraction?
I only feel the pain
There's nothing left to reason
And only you to blame
Will it ever change?

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah
But I'm thinking it over anyway
I'm thinking it over anyway

I've come to find
I may never know
Your changing mind
Is it friend or foe?

I rise above or sink below
With every time
You come and go
Please don't come and go

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah
But I'm thinking it over anyway
I'm thinking it over anyway

Well, I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear...

Looking at the lyrics, there is also a lot in here that reminds me of where I ended up in terms of my relationship with the New Englander. Every day I move toward a greater level of acceptance that we will spend some part of four years together rather than the rest of our lives. Every day I feel more peace about that, more gratitude about all the good that came out of that relationship and of leaving it behind.

But I'm not gonna lie, I still feel some sadness about that too...