I Want to Go Back

Today I had an email exchange with the man I met at the wedding that I mentioned in yesterday's post. He told me that our conversation about resisting the urge to rewrite history had been helpful to him. As I told him in my reply -- I recognized it in him because I am so adept at it myself. He said he thought he had indulged in it because it is easier to go back and question whether things really were the way they felt at the time than to be with the feelings he had now or deal with the uncertainty involved in moving forward. I agreed, and related this story to him:

Recently, I had the rear derailer on my bike replaced, which (for a reason that I don't fully understand) means that when I shift with my right hand now, it works in the opposite direction than it did before. I was having a lot of trouble adjusting to that -- and was sick of being on a big hill and accidentally making it harder rather than easier to pedal. So I came up with a phrase that I could quickly repeat and know which direction to turn it, which is "forward is harder." After I worked with that mantra for a few days on my bike commute, I started to reconsider whether I really want to be reinforcing that notion. But then I just decided that I might as well, because it IS harder, there's no two ways about it.

As I was pondering this, none other than Eddie Money started singing in my ear:

I was listening to the radio
I heard a song reminding me of long ago
Back then I thought that things were never gonna change
It used to be that I never had to feel the pain
I know now that things will never be the same

I wanna go back
And do it all over again
But I can't go back I know
I wanna go back
Cause I'm feeling so much older
But I can't go back I know

Wise man, that Eddie Money. It's funny, because I haven't heard or thought of this song in years, and I think the last time I did hear it, I didn't really relate to it. I sure do now.

I also know now that it's often the hardest challenges that yield the greatest rewards. So as hard as it is to do sometimes, I'm going to try to stay in this moment, resisting the urge to want to go back, pressing onward instead...