Soul to Squeeze

Celebrating mother's day with my sister and kids

Heard this song on the way home from my son's soccer game today, which happened to be near my sister's house, so we got to have a little mother's day celebration too:

I got a bad disease,
Up from my brain is where I bleed.
In sanity it seems,
Is got me by my soul to squeeze.
Well all the love from me,
With all these dying trees I scream.
The Angels in my dreams,
have turned to demons of greed,
That's me.

Where I go I just don't know,
I got to, got to, gotta take it slow.
When I find my peace of mind,
I'm gonna give you some of my good time.

Today loves smile on me,
It took away my pain, said please
All that you ride is free,
You gotta let it be,
Oh ya.

Where I go I just don't know,
I got to, gotta, gotta take it slow.
When I find my peace of mind,
I'm gonna give you some of my good time.

You're so polite indeed,
Well I got everything I need.
Oh make my days a breeze,
And take away my self destruction.

It's bitter baby,
And it's very sweet.
I'm on a rollercoaster,
but I'm on my feet.
Take me to the river,
Let me on your shore.
I be coming back baby,
I be coming back for more.

Doo doo doo doo dingle zing a dong bone,
ba-di ba-da ba-zumba crunga cong gone bad,
like an apple gift but i went out and never said my pleasures
I'm much better but I won't regret it never

Where I go I just don't know,
I got to, got to, gotta take it slow.
When I find my peace of mind,
I'm gonna give you some of my good time.

Might seem like a strange anthem for Mother's day, but I actually think it works, because it wasn't until I found my peace of mind that I could really fully settle into giving my kids my time. Super grateful to be there now, soaking up these last few years with my babies at home!

Don't Give Up On Me

My new mountain biking partner in crime

It was a long, long road riding my mountain bike alone after the New Englander left, a road (or a path) upon which many tears were shed. But today I am happy to say I got to go riding with a friend (a friend who practices Ashtanga with me, no less!), and it was sooooooooooo nice!

I took her to Kettle Moraine -- she'd never been -- and it was a perfect day weather wise. It felt great to be out there, and great to be leading, really, really great.

And then I got home, and I got in the tub, and this song came on:

If I fall short, if I don't make the grades
If your expectations aren't met in me today
There is always tomorrow, or tomorrow night
Hang in there baby, sooner or later
I know I'll get it right

Please, don't give up on me
Oh please don't give up on me
I know it's late, late in the game
But my feelings, my true feelings
Haven't changed
Here in my heart

I know, I know I was wrong, wrong wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong
I'd like to make amends for the love that I never, ever, ever, ever shown
Just don't give up on me, every word is true

I'll give you my everything, all of my love, all of my love, all of my love love love
Just don't give up on me
Oh please, please, please
Don't give up on me

I don't want you to
I know it's late, but wait, please, please, please, please
Don't give up on me
Promise, will you promise, will you promise me
Please don't give up on me

We can make it if we try
I'm gonna hold on, hold on with me
And don't give up on me, oh-ooh, -oohohoooh -baby
Oh baby, Oh baby, please, don't-give-up-on-me
Whatever you do, we gonna make it, gonna make it through
Don't you give up on me, please, please, please... Promise me
Don't-give-up-on-me

To which I say, hmmmm Universe, interesting song choice. Beautiful, but interesting. It's not a song about celebrating new beginnings. It's not a song about moving on. It's a song about not giving up on the person who has wronged you but still loves you.

Very. Interesting. Choice.

But here's the thing: I'm playing around right now with the mantra "I already have everything I need."

Strictly speaking, I know that it is true. I have air to breathe, clean water to drink, food to eat, and love all around me. I even have a new mountain biking partner. So I'm just going to let the song play, and let it mark the day, without creating any kind of story around it, other than my mantra:

"I already have everything I need."

Indeed I do...

My Love

This afternoon after watching my daughter play soccer and then having coffee with a friend, I treated myself (and my sore knee) to a bath and a movie. The movie was Before We Go -- something I stumbled across on Netflix. It wasn't a terrific movie in a lot of ways, but it was about love, and y'all know that's one of my favorite subjects.

I liked what it had to say about love, which I would roughly summarize as love is messy, sometimes it makes fools of us, sometimes it enrages us, but it's always, always, always worth fighting for. I share this belief, but in a couple, you need two -- both -- to really be in it, willing to fight for it. And if you don't have that, well, the movie also suggested that it was possible to move on and find love again with someone else.

I believe this is possible. I believe it will happen to me. And in the meantime, I'm now able to talk, as I did this afternoon at coffee, about the love I experienced and lost in this post-divorce phase of my life, without crying. It's ok that it happened the way that it did. I'm ok. I really am. This is true.

It is also true that when I watch a romantic movie, as I did this afternoon, and I let myself, I feel my heart breaking open all over again. It still physically hurts, this loss, when I let myself go there. It amazes me how powerful the feeling remains.

But today, amidst the sobbing in the bathtub, I felt something else, too. Something new. Something reassuring: I felt my heart expand with each sob. Like it has had to contract to hold that pain in, and in releasing it, I am making space. Not just figuratively, or emotionally, but physically.

And I am grateful for that. So grateful. Because if that love taught me anything it taught me just how worthwhile it is to love someone fully, bravely, vulnerably, and I intend to do it again. And hopefully soon, now that I'm halfway to 50(!). Not that I'm in a hurry, but now seems like as good a time as any.

I heard this song tonight. It's about love. And it's beautiful. And that makes it pretty darn perfect to mark this day:

There's nothing more that I would have that I could need
Cause having this means that I've got it all
When I was taking turns and you were wrong for me
You chose to understand and let it go

And ohhh
You've turned this black heart made it into gold
So I wanna let you know that

My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my,
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my love
Looovve

Control is such an open-ended word for me
Something that I used to think I owned
I'm standing here with none, I'm feeling so complete
You helped me understand to let it go

And ohhh
You've turned this black heart made it into gold
So I wanna let you know that

My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my,
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my,
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my love

Stay close to me, love
Stay close to me, yeah, love
Stay close to me, love

Or don't, but if you decide not to, please let me go so that someone else can...

Best Part of Me

This sweet little babe is me a mere 45 years ago!

On this, the day I start my next trip around the sun, I am feeling incredibly blessed. For a lot of reasons, but one most of all: I am such a lucky mama.

Not only did my kids bust out a solo trip to Target in the family wagon to get birthday preparations on Friday night (while I sat nervously awaiting their return on the couch -- this was the first time the two of them left in the car together), making it possible for them to cook me a blueberry chocolate chip pancake birthday brunch and shower me with gifts, but they also both wrote me long, heartfelt birthday letters.

Their letters expressed their gratitude for me as their mother, which is awesome and feels great, but they also expressed the extent to which they both see and appreciate me as a human being. I was deeply moved by what they both wrote and felt incredibly validated for the area of my life where I have been able to place the most attention lately: my kids.

I know that this song is written for a lover, and in that way it's not exactly appropriate, but my children are indeed the best part of me, and what's more, they help me see the best part of me, and that is such a gift:

Birthday celebration, complete with kids!

I want you to know the best part of me
I want you to feel my heart and life's harmony
Even I know sometimes it's hard to see
That I'm nothing without you
And I can't breathe without you

I want you to know that life's on our side
And when I'm alone you're still on my mind
Knowing myself I can no longer hide
'Cause I'm nothing without you
And I can't breathe without you

I want you to know the best part of me
I want you to feel my heart and life's harmony
Even I know sometimes it's hard to see
That I'm nothing without you
And I can't breathe without you

I also felt incredibly fortunate to get to have a birthday dinner out this year that included both my kids and some of my dearest friends (and their kids). It was a beautiful celebration and it felt awesome to integrate those two aspects of my life to a greater extent.

I have a feeling being 45 is going to be pretty great!

The Middle

The view of Green Lake from the Heidel Haus, where we stayed

I don't know about you, but sometimes when I go deeper into my stuff than usual, I start looking for someone to "blame" for my discomfort. Because being mad at someone is easier than sitting in the middle of my stuff.

That happened this weekend at a yoga retreat in Ripon/Green Lake: the teacher I was working with, whom I've worked with twice before, pushed me to explore the places where I am gripping most tightly. And then I got pissed. At her.

Part of me knew this was what was happening, at least on some level, so I decided to get out my journal and write down the qualities that I was looking for in a teacher: safe, supportive, nurturing, and also challenging me to be/become my best self.

Just a few minutes later, the teacher that part of me had rejected and was already looking to replace made it abundantly clear to me that she was, in fact, the teacher I was seeking. She stopped the workshop, looked right at me, and said:

"I see you Sarah, and I want to support you. I know how hard you are working, and I know your struggles, and I want you to know I'm here for you and will support you to the best of my ability from afar (she lives in New Jersey)."

I was blown away by the clarity of the response, and it had the effect of melting the ice that had started to form a layer of protection around my heart.

She went on to talk about how sometimes in order to feel better, you have to go back through the pain -- the old adage sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better.

I get that. And I'm up for it. And this song, heard on the way home, is my anthem:

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own (on your own), so don't buy in.
Live right now, yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough (good enough) for someone else.

It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just do your best (just do your best), do everything you can (do everything you can).
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright.

Purple Rain

Love the New Yorker's tribute to the fallen artist

Oof. A lot of famous musicians have died in the past few months, but none have affected me quite like this one.

Sweet Prince, you've provided the soundtrack to some of the highest highs and the lowest lows in my lifetime. You've inspired me and countless others to be ourselves, to not allow others to label us, to know the resilience of the human spirit and the miraculous power of art to help us understand, celebrate and cope with our lives.

Thank you.

Rest in peace.

And know that this song, like so many of your other songs, will forever remain one of my favorites:

I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted one time to see you laughing
I only want to see you laughing in the purple rain

Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain

I only want to see you bathing in the purple rain

I never wanted to be your weekend lover
I only wanted to be some kind of friend
Baby I could never steal you from another
It's such a shame our friendship had to end

Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain

I only want to see you underneath the purple rain

Honey I know, I know, I know times are changing
It's time we all reach out for something new
That means you too
You say you want a leader
But you can't seem to make up your mind
I think you better close it
And let me guide you to the purple rain

Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain

If you know what I'm singing about up here
C'mon raise your hand

Purple rain Purple rain

I only want to see you, only want to see you
In the purple rain

I Will Possess Your Heart

Heard this song in the Volvo loaner (which has a fancy radio that tells you which song is playing, of course) today:

How I wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me.
It's like a book elegantly bound but,
in a language that you can't read.
Just yet.

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.

And it reminded me of a conversation I had last week with friends about the book The Five Love Languages. Turns out, all three of us are the same: Our primary love languages are physical touch and quality time -- the latter of which, it seems, this song is about:

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.