Stones in My Pocket

Heard this song today:

I've got stones in my pocket
No feathers in my bed
I see the road and I'm walking
But my legs are made of lead

Oh save me
Won't you save me from my ways
Save me won't you save me from my ways
'Cause the only way I know how to live...
The only way I know is killing me

I've been climbing that high mountain
Slide back down everyday
I've been drinking from the fountain
But I'm thirsty anyway

Oh save me
Won't you save me from my ways
Save me won't you save me from my ways
'Cause the only way I know how to live...
The only way I know is killing me

I said never but I did it
What I thought I'd never do
I took a stone from my pocket
And I threw it right at you

Oh save me
Won't you save me from my ways
Save me won't you save me from my ways
'Cause the only way I know how to live...
The only way I know is killing you
Now the only way I know is killing me

And I thought of something a friend told me a long time ago. She said that for her, going to therapy is like taking stones out of your pocket that you didn't know you were carrying around. You just start to feel lighter.

I agree -- and I am extremely fortunate to have such a competent, compassionate therapist, because I sure need one!

Everybody's got to learn sometime

I went to a beautiful yoga class this morning, and it included this beautiful song:

Change your heart, look around you
Change your heart, it will astound you
I need your lovin' like the sunshine
Everybody's got to learn sometime
Everybody's got to learn sometime
Everybody's got to learn sometime
Change your heart, look around you
Change your heart, will astound you
I need your lovin' like the sunshine
Everybody's got to learn sometime
Everybody's got to learn sometime
Everybody's got to learn sometime
I need your lovin' like the sunshine
Everybody's got to learn sometime
Everybody's got to learn sometime

The teacher talked about the heart being the master - that it is meant to be the master - and that we all need to learn this sometime.

I learned this when I decided to follow my heart when it comes to this guy:

All decked out in our ugly sweaters for his holiday partay

It would've been easier, at a number of points along the way, to argue with my heart. It didn't seem like he was coming back. It seemed like maybe my heart was wrong about him, about us. But I trusted it all through the pain of our separation.

Turns out, it was absolutely spot on. He loves me, and I him. And HE'S HERE.

So grateful that this was my lesson, 'cause I DO need his lovin' like the sunshine!

Shame On You

This woman was forever changed as of 11/9/16

I read a great Op-ed today by Michelle Goldberg about why Franken is stepping down while Trump stays in office.

It had a lot of powerful lines, among them:

1) "A great many liberal women were forever changed when they saw the grotesque beauty pageant impresario defeat the first female major-party candidate for president."

2) "As Susan Fowler, a former engineer at Uber who exposed a pervasive culture of sexual harassment at that company, told Time: “When Trump won the election, I felt a crushing sense of powerlessness. And then I realized that I had to do something.”

3) "But ultimately, the cultural currency of the #MeToo movement is not a substitute for political power. The incendiary rage unleashed by Trump’s election needs to be directed back at him. Otherwise, only those who already advocate women’s equality will be forced to grant it."

Yup, yup and yup, and on that last one: even when they do, like Al Franken, they'll do it by not admitting that what they did was wrong. So. Disappointing.

My own biggest revelation about the #metoo movement is that only certain stories make it onto Facebook. They are the catcalled, the groped, the date raped. These stories are valid and important, but they are not all inclusive of the ways in which sexual harassment and assault affect people's lives. There are still some stories that remain largely hidden, and the cost of that is quite high: children growing up with their sense of selves, their sense of love, their sense of intimacy, their sense of sexuality compromised.

This song came to me head while contemplating all of this. It's one that I heard before I knew I was carrying around a mountain of shame myself:

My friends they wash the windows and they shine in the sun
They tell me wake up early in the morning sometime
See what a beautiful job we done I say let's put on some tunes sing along dolittle all day
Go down to the riverside take off our shoes wash these sins away
The river said la la la shame on you I go down to Chicano city park cause it makes me feel so fine
When the weeds go down you can see up close in the dead of winter time
But when the summer comes everything's in bloom and you wouldn't know it's there
The white folks like to pretend it's not but their music's in the air
You can hear them singing la la la shame on you You can feel them dancing la la la shame on you
My friend Tanner she says you know me and Jesus we're of the same heart
The only thing that keeps us distant is that I keep fuckin up I said come on down to Chicano city park
wash your blues away the beautiful ladies walk on by You know I never know what to say
They'll be singing oo la la shame on you
Let's go road block trippin in the middle of the night up in Gainesville town
There'll be blue lights flashin down the long dirt road when they ask me to step out
They say we be looking for illegal immigrants can we check your car

I say you know it's funny I think we were on the same boat back in 1694 I said oo la la shame on you

I don't really wish shame on anyone.  As Brene Brown teaches, guilt is "I did something wrong; shame is "I am wrong."

Guilt can be useful as a cue for taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions. Shame keeps us small.

As I said a few posts back, I've worked really hard to hand back the shame I was carrying around -- turns out, it wasn't mine...

Cry Me a River

So many gorgeous sunsets lately! #nofilter

My boyfriend and I had a date tonight at the movies.

We saw Lady Bird, which was such a good film.

I didn't know what it was about when we walked in, so I couldn't have known it would contain a scene where a child leaves for college.

As the scene unfolded, I let the tears fall, as this beauty from the soundtrack played:

You were my sun
You were my earth
But you didn't know
All the ways I loved you, no
So you took a chance
Made other plans
But I bet you didn't think
That they would come crashing down, no

You don't have to say what you did
I already know, I found out from him
Now there's just no chance
With you and me
There'll never be
Don't it make you sad about it?

You told me you love me
Why did you leave me all alone?
Now you tell me you need me
When you call me on the phone
Girl, I refuse
You must have me confused
With some other guy
The bridges were burned
Now it's your turn, to cry
Cry me a river
Cry me a river
Cry me a river
Cry me a river

You know that they say
Some things are better left unsaid
It wasn't like you only talked to him
And you know it
(Don't act like you don't know it)
All of these things people told me
Keep messing with my head
Should've picked honesty
Then you may not have blown it

You don't have to say what you did
I already know, I found out from him
Now there's just no chance
With you and me
There'll never be
Don't it make you sad about it?

You told me you love me
Why did you leave me all alone?
Now you tell me you need me
When you call me on the phone
Girl, I refuse
You must have me confused
With some other guy
The bridges were burned
Now it's your turn, to cry
Cry me a river
Cry me a river
Cry me a river
Cry me a river

Oh! The damage is done
So I guess I be leaving
Oh! The damage is done
So I guess I be leaving
Oh! The damage is done
So I guess I be leaving
Oh! The damage is done
So I guess I be leaving

You don't have to say what you did
I already know, I found out from him
Now there's just no chance
With you and me
There'll never be
Don't it make you sad about it?

Bring It On Home to Me

We love Parfrey's Glen & no sleeves November!

After a weekend of helping my kids navigate some family dynamics and having lots of lovely adventures, I arrived at my fitness class on Monday ready to start a new week.

And when this song came on, I felt a rush of gratitude that the navigation and the adventures were all with my sweet love at my side, because just over a year ago, he did change his mind about leaving me behind:

If you ever change your mind
About leaving, leaving me behind
Oh, oh, bring it to me
Bring your sweet loving
Bring it on home to me
Yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)
I know I laughed when you left
But now I know I only hurt myself
Oh, oh, bring it to me
Bring your sweet loving
Bring it on home to me
Yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)
I'll give you jewelry and money too
That ain't all, that ain't all I'll do for you
Oh, if bring it to me
Bring your sweet loving
Bring it on home to me
Yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)
You know I'll always be your slave
'Till I'm buried, buried in my grave
Oh, honey bring it to me
Bring your sweet loving
Bring it on home to me
Yeah (yeah),…

Awwwww yeah he did!

Windfall

Arrival at Wyalusing State Park: Rear view

Thanksgiving. A day of gratitude.

Traditionally, it has been a tough day for me.

Not this year.

This year, I made homemade cranberry relish, put it on a couple of sandwiches, and had a picnic supper with my boyfriend at Wyalusing State Park.

I appreciate so many things about him, among them:

1) He is always game for an adventure, even when that means 1 hr 45 min in the car in both directions;

2) He makes me laugh: When I pulled him in to kiss him while we were getting ready to ride, he complied, laughing and saying "This looks like one of those obligatory makeout sessions with one shoe on." Yup. Pretty much.

3) He appreciates sunshine, the outdoors and physical activity at least as much as I do;

Soooo grateful to spend my turkey day with this sweet man!

4) He doesn't need a big meal with lots of people around a table because that's what other people do;

5) He gave me his old mountain bike when he got a new one and it's AWESOME;

6) When I ride up next to him he admires his old bike lovingly;

7) His taste in music, which includes this number that we listened to on the way home:

Beautiful day, Beautiful Spot, Beautiful Bikes, Beautiful Love

Now and then it keeps you running
It never seems to die
The trail's spent with fear
Not enough living on the outside
Never seem to get far enough
Staying in between the lines
Hold on to what you can
Waiting for the end
Not knowing when

May the wind take your troubles away
May the wind take your troubles away
Both feet on the floor, two hands on the wheel
May the wind take your troubles away

Trying to make it far enough, to the next time zone
Few and far between past the midnight hour
You never feel alone, you're really not alone

Switching it over to AM
Searching for a truer sound
Can't recall the call letters
Steel guitar and settle down

Catching an all-night station somewhere in Louisiana
It sounds like 1963, but for now it sounds like heaven
May the wind take your troubles away
May the wind take your troubles away
Both feet on the floor, two hands on the wheel
May the wind take your troubles away

May the wind take your troubles away
May the wind take your troubles away

Yeah.... the wind, years and years of therapy, loving and being loved by two amazing kids, my yoga practice, my friends, my own significant fortitude, and this incredible man of mine... have taken (most of) my troubles away...

Praying

Solo late Fall trip to Devil's Lake - so lovely!

I'm really digging this song right now. Like really digging it.

Maybe because I can so super relate to these words:

"Am I dead? Or is this one of those dreams? Those horrible dreams that seem like they last forever? If I am alive, why? Why? If there is a God or whatever, something, somewhere, why have I been abandoned by everyone and everything I've ever known? I've ever loved? Stranded. What is the lesson? What is the point? God, give me a sign, or I have to give up. I can't do this anymore. Please just let me die. Being alive hurts too much."

Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, and after everything you've done
I can thank you for how strong I have become

'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is I wish you farewell

Yep. All that.

I keep having dreams, sometimes terrible dreams. When this happens, I wake up in the middle of the night unable to get back to sleep. I startle at my boyfriend's touch. It's no fun at all.

But there's no other way for me than being awake and alive to all of it. Even though it is difficult for my children that I needed to wish my parents farewell.  I know in my heart and in body that it is the right thing for me.

And I know this, in part, because when I stopped being a part of their narrative, stopped holding on to their shame and taking care of their needs at my own expense, things changed for me. My body changed. The way I treat myself changed. The way I feel about what I went through changed. I lived for so many years with so much shame. When memories came up, I felt disgust. I felt shame. I felt I was wrong.

Now I often feel sad when these experiences come up, but never ashamed. I know that I was a child navigating my world to the best of my ability.

I also often feel fear. I hope someday I won't, that maybe I have to feel the fear I didn't let myself feel as a child, and then it'll be out of my body, out of my system. That's what I'm hoping.

Until then, I'm glad Kesha is here to sing some of my pain with me:

I hope you're somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

I'm proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come

'Cause I can make it on my own
And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known
I've been thrown out, I've been burned ([Live version:] I'll bring thunder, I'll bring rain)
When I'm finished, they won't even know your name

You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is I wish you farewell

I hope you're somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

Oh, sometimes, I pray for you at night
Oh, someday, maybe you'll see the light
Oh, some say, in life you gonna get what you give
But some things, only God can forgive

I hope you're somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

God knows that's how I've found a lot of mine...