Inside Job

Yoga: the ultimate inside job

On Friday I had SUCH an exciting thing happen -- unfortunately I don't have a photo or video of it, but I dropped from standing into a backbend!

In Ashtanga this is called a dropback, and I had only been working toward it over the last couple of weeks. When my teacher told me today that she thought I was ready, I was SUPER surprised, but I just decided to go with it.

Maybe the best part of the whole experience was having the woman next to me say to me afterward: "I was watching you and you just went for it without any hesitation!"

It made me feel soooooo good to have been that person: fearless, if even for a moment. I've lived with so much fear in my life, and it's stopped me from so much, and I'm just so, so, so thankful that I've been doing this inside job for 10 years or so now and IT'S CLEARLY WORKING.

Sing it Eddie:

Underneath this smile Lies everything
All my hopes, anger, pride and shame
Make myself a pact, not to shut doors on the past
Just for today, I am free

I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today

I know this one thing well
I used to try and kill love, it was the highest sin
Breathing insecurity out and in
Searching hope, I'm shown the way to run straight
Pursuing the greater way for all human light
How I choose to feel is how I am
How I choose to feel is how I am

I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today

Holding on, the light of the night
On my knees to rise and fix my broken soul again
Let me run into the rain
To be a human light again
Let me run into the rain
To shine a human light today

That's me for sure -- shining my human light!

Half Of You

I'm taking a memoir writing class, and it's soooooo good for me in so many ways:

1) I've been wanting to write a memoir for years, and now I'm learning how!

2) I'm writing! The goal is five minutes a day, plus three pieces over eight weeks to be shared with the group;

3) I'm getting great feedback on my writing and learning to become a better writer;

4) I'm inspired by my own work and others' in the class to forge ahead with my memoir; and maybe most importantly of all:

5) Through the writing process, I'm learning more about myself.

In the car on the way home from Milwaukee today, I popped in a CD that said "Tunes for Sarah" on it. I have zero idea who made it for me - didn't recognize the handwriting, and can't remember being given a CD with primarily Cat Power, Gorillaz, Pearl Jam and some other band on it, but listening to it brought me this song:

When you give half of you
I want all of you
When you give half of you
I want all of you

When you go back window
You see shadows
When you're shopping for me
'Cause when you give half of you
I want all of you

Sadness is a gentle mind
But a good woman has her hands to use
Empty package of chips will tell you
What can be sold market and what can belong to you
When you give...when you give half of you
I want all of you

And I've felt this way, for sure, like I'm not getting all of the person I love. I feel less that way lately, so that's an upside to this rocky period we're in right now.

But what this song brings up for me most of all is how I recently saw, while writing about a trip I took with my boyfriend a year and change ago, how I go in and out of being in a place where I am wholly present and available. And that CAN'T be easy for him.

I'm excited to continue on my healing path, and continue with my writing, and integrate into a whole that sticks together more easily than the one I'm working with, and trying to share, right now...

It's a Heartache

Ahhhhhh summertime in Milwaukee!

This morning I hit the road earlyish to drive to PJ's Yoga Shala for led practice. It was soooooooooo good! I can barely even describe how good it was to be in the room with 28 other Ashtangis and PJ teaching us about prana and the true purpose of practice.

I left there feeling great, and headed downtown for the lakeshore. I went for a nice, long run, and then I parked myself on the Colectivo patio (pictured), had some lunch and got a little too much sun. Then I went to my friends' house, where I spent the night.

You may be wondering where the heartache comes in, so I'll tell ya: In the car on the way to practice I was listening to the radio and heard that raspy voice I've long loved, glanced at the radio, and saw that it was Bonnie Tyler singing this number:

It's a heartache
Nothing but a heartache
Hits you when it's too late
Hits you when you're down

It's a fool's game
Nothing but a fool's game
Standing in the cold rain
Feeling like a clown

It's a heartache
Nothing but a heartache
Love him 'til your arms break
Then he let's you down

Those last two lines are such a good metaphor for where we ended up this Spring: I was trying to do more than my share of the work for us as a couple. I was trying to hold us together by trying to implement my vision of how we could work, and it was lacking something vital: His wants, his needs, his agency, his ability to communicate, even around hard things. And when he let me down, I got so angry. I was so hurt. And I began to recognize that something needed to change, and not just in him.

It ain't right with love to share
When you find he doesn't care for you
It ain't wise to need someone
As much as I depended on you

And so I've been working to cut the cords of attachment between us. "You're so entangled!" my yoga teacher told me. And I knew she was right.

Oh, it's a heartache
Nothing but a heartache
Hits you when it's too late
Hits you when you're down

It hurts, this heartache. It hurts a lot. But it feels a whole lot better than pretending things are good when they so clearly were not. It was my daughter who initially alerted us that fact: "You two fight all the time" she said, and we had to take a hard look in the mirror.

We had our first couple's therapy appointment a couple of weeks ago, and it was great. We both really liked her, and felt heard and seen, and were honest about where we are. We'll see what happens...

Bittersweet Me

The ultimate Bittersweet me tree: A Dogwood

One of the many things I love about my new (to me) car is that its radio is smarter than the one in my old one -- it knows what song is playing and who is singing it. Gone are the days of having to hope the DJ would reveal this information.

I knew, of course, the artist of this song, but never the title:

I move across, innocence lost
All flashing pulsar
I move across the earth in my new pattern shirt
I pass satellites
"You're so bitter, " your complaint
I can't give you anything
I don't know who you're living for
I don't who you are anymore
I'd sooner chew my leg off
Than be trapped in this
How easy you think of all of this as bittersweet me

I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore

I feel you Michael. It sometimes feels like I don't know what I want anymore either. Over the past year, year and a half, I've been through some major changes, and one of the biggest shifts is my ability to be honest with myself about what's going on. What's been going on, in my relationship, hasn't felt right for a while, but I haven't known what to do about it.

Under these circumstances, I had a tendency to do what I have always done: try to control it into working. Here's another big change in me over this period of time: I FINALLY get it that that doesn't work. It was hard to discern this for a while in part because my man is so willing to do what I ask, the problem is, the kind of changes I see as needed are not the kind that I can initiate or guide.

So I have to let go. Let go of the certainty we were working with that when my daughter graduates from high school, we'll move away from Madison together and live our lives together. That feels anything but certain these days. I don't know what will happen with us.

And thus, these learnings of which I speak, have led to a bittersweet me:

I move across, candy floss
I move like a tank
I move across the room with a heart full of gloom
I'm stronger than you think
Oh, my peer, your veneer
Is wearing thin and cracking
The surface informs the underneath
The underneath is lacking
I'd sooner chew my leg off
Than be trapped in this
How easy you think of all of this as bittersweet me

I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore

You move across, innocence lost
All static and desire
You're blue in the face from navel gaze
You set yourself on fire
You strip down and lay yourself out
I know you can't fake it
But are you tired and naked?
Oh, are you tired and naked?
I'd sooner chew my leg off
Than be trapped in this
How easy you think of all of this as bittersweet me

I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore
I couldn't taste it

I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore
I couldn't taste it

I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore

A note about the Dogwood -- we had one in our front yard growing up. Seeing them definitely makes for a bittersweet me...

Can't Go On Without You

Youtube dialed up this number for me the other day:

Well they thought they were made for each other
One thinking of one another
Never thinking just for one second
She would take a different attraction
We don't want that
We don't want that
We don't want that
Oh no
We don't want that
We don't want that
We don't want that
Oh no
I can't go on without you
I can't go on without you
Can't go on without you, yeah
I can't go on without you
Oh so, what's the point of breaking my sweet heart?
She wanted me to let down my guard
Well, you know what they say, it's better that way
So, so you better hush and walk away
We don't want that
We don't want that
We don't want that
Oh no
We don't want that
We don't want that
We don't want that
Oh no
I can't go on without you
I can't go on without you, oh lord
Can't go on without you, ooh ooh
I can't go on, won't go on, living on, without you
Woah yeah
Woah ah
Well, was I supposed to wait for you sweetheart?
And hide away the shame
Yes I keep it all inside
Though the thought had crossed my mind
To do all the things I regret and we don't want that
We don't want that
We don't want that
We don't want that
Oh no
We don't want that
We don't want that
We don't want that
Oh no
I can't, I can't, I can't go on without you
I can't go on without you, oh lord
Go on without you, ooh ooh
I can't go on without you babe
Yeah
Ahh, she loves me
She loves me not
She loves me
My love's gon' love me
Oh so what is left but a broken man?
'Cause nothing hurts like a woman can
I can't go on without you
I can't go on without you, oh yeah
Can't go on without you
I can't go on without you, oh
Oh without you lord, without you
Without you babe, without you
Oh lord, you

It's a beautiful song,  one I'd never heard before, and it expresses a sentiment with which I am quite familiar. It is how I have felt, at various points, about my current man.

Not gonna lie, there's still a huge part of me that feels this way. But there's also a part of me that listens to my yoga teacher call us "very entangled" and understands that isn't healthy. There's a part of me that really isn't sure, as much as we love each other, that we bring out the best in each other. Or want the same things.

I'm reserving judgement for now, and just trying to put some space around the feelings, reminding myself that mostly, I want what is best for both of us...

Closer to Love

Early Spring morning, Wisco style

I'm just finishing up a retreat out at Holy Wisdom monastery and it was glorious! Sunshine, some warmth, deer, ducks, and a bunch of time to myself. Ahhhhhhhhh.

I ended up resting a BUNCH. I guess I needed it. I went on a couple of runs. I did some yoga, though that mostly felt hard so I did less than normal.

My primary goal was to do some writing, and I managed to do that too, which felt really good. I know that I will write a book, actually, I know that I will write more than one, but I still find the prospect daunting. I still go into my brain a lot and feel like I should figure out how it'll all go together. I know that's not how it works and yet...

Still, I'm proud of myself. I made the space to come out here and I got some delicious time alone.

I read, and I wrote. Part of what I read was this blog, which made me remember a couple of important things:

1) I used to write long, juicy posts and I haven't done that in a long time; and
2) I am really lucky to get to share my life with my love and I'm pretty sure we can do a better job than we have been doing at loving each other.

Heard this Mat Kearney song as I was packing up my little retreat center room today, and it seemed like a good one to mark my day (and weekend):

Oh it's your life
Oh it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to show me the way
Cryin out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Having time on retreat for sure pulls me closer to love.

Now to return home to my man and remember/allow all the ways he pulls me closer to love...

Love Bites

Driving home from my yoga practice this morning, this song came on in my car:

If you've got love in your sights
Watch out, love bites
When you make love, do you look in your mirror?
Who do you think of?
Does he look like me?
Do you tell lies?
And say that it's forever?
Do you think twice, or just touch and see?
Ooh, babe
Ooh, yeah
When you're alone, do you let go?
Are you wild and willing or is it just for show?
Ooh, come on
I don't want to touch you too much baby
'Cause making love to you might drive me crazy
I know you think that love is the way you make it
So I don't want to be there when you decide to break it, no
It's bringing me to my knees (love lives, love dies)
It's no surprise (Love begs, love pleads)
It's what I need
When I'm with you are you somewhere else?
Am I getting through or do you please yourself?
When you wake up will you walk out?
It can't be love if you throw it about
Ooh babe, I don't want to touch you too much baby
'Cause making love to you might drive me crazy, oh
It's bringing me to my knees (love lives, love dies)
It's no surprise (Love begs, love pleads)
It's what I need
Oh yeah, I don't want to touch you too much baby
'Cause making love to you might drive me crazy
I know you think that love is the way you make it
So I don't want to be there when you decide to break it, no
It's bringing me to my knees (love lives, love dies)
(Love bites, love bleeds)
It's bringing me to my knees (love lives, love dies)
It's no surprise (love begs, love pleads)
It's what I need
If you've got love in your sights
Watch out, love bites
Yes it does, it will be hell

And I started to cry. I love this cheesy ass song. And I loved my high school boyfriend and all of his friends, and their long-haired, heavy metal ways...