What a Difference a Day Makes

Best Birthday Dinner Dates Ever!

This song came into my head yesterday as I was contemplating the difference in how I feel about my birthday this year as compared to last year:

What a difference a day made
Twenty-four little hours
Brought the sun and the flowers
Where there used to be rain
My yesterday was blue, dear
Today I'm part of you, dear
My lonely nights are through, dear
(Since you said you were mine)
What a diff'rence a day makes

I know that the lyrics only sort of fit -- it's a year, not a day, and I'm not talking about finally finding my love -- but it does feel like I'm in a completely different place this year than last:

1) This year I'm free to do what I want to do with my day and my life in a way that I wasn't last year.
2) This year I'm not in a romantic relationship where I don't feel acknowledged; I am not in a romantic relationship and I feel acknowledged.

Both of those are huge shifts!

There's a rainbow before me
Skies above can't be stormy

My very own slice of carrot cake 

Since that moment of bliss
That thrilling kiss
(It's heaven when you find romance on your menu)
What a difference a day made
And the difference is you
(What a difference a day makes)
(There's a rainbow before me)
(Skies above can't be stormy)
Since that moment of bliss, that thrilling kiss
(It's heaven when you find romance on your menu)
What a difference a day made
And the difference is you

No Dinah, the difference is me. The difference is going with the flow. It's not trying to force anything to work that just isn't working. It's not needing to have control or to hold myself back because I'm afraid.

And my kids! I've always felt loved by my kids on my birthday, but there was something about this year that I felt it even more so. My son arrived home from school on his bike with this slice of carrot cake -- my favorite -- for me. Both kids made amazing cards, each of which expressed how much they appreciate all different aspects of my being. AND they bought me a new shirt -- which I'm donning in the photo above!

Overall, I feel a sense of fullness rather than a sense of lack -- who could ask for anything more?

Sun Giant

When I was downtown today, I overheard a three year old saying to her preschool teacher: "I love it when the sun shines right into my eyes." It was super cute.

I like it when the sun shines too. A lot. It makes life a more pleasant experience overall -- just ask the Fleet Foxes:

What a life I lead in the summer
What a life I lead in the spring
What a life I lead when the wind, it breathes
What a life I lead in the spring

What a life I lead when the sun breaks free
As a giant torn from the clouds
What a life indeed when that ancient seed
Is a-buried, watered and plowed

What a life
What a life
What a life
What a life

What a life I lead in the summer
What a life I lead in the spring
What a life I lead when the wind, it breathes
What a life I lead in the spring

Day By Day

Janu Sirsana -- yAy -- with adjustment by Zoe

I spent the weekend at an Ashtanga workshop with one of the most fabulous teachers I know, Zoe Mai. It was a pretty wonderful weekend. Most of my workshop weekends are filled with big releases that come in the form of tears and are often accompanied by difficult feelings. This one didn't have as much of the latter, maybe because of all the releases that have come before, or my relationship with Zoe, I don't really know. But it was a relief.

We did, however, find ourselves talking at meals about how deeply I feel things and my predilection to tears. I assured them that being an empath was something I carry with me everywhere I go -- I don't just feel things deeply in the studio. They laughed when I told them the story of my real tears during CPR training last week when I had to ask a pretend mother if her pretend baby needed help after falling into a pretend pool. And it is funny, in a way -- it can also be a little awkward socially to be so prone to tears.

The weekend's emphasis was on the subtle body and making adjustments from that place and space rather than from the gross. It was about seeing students whole being rather than just the shape their body has taken. It's a cool concept and one I intend to work with as a teacher.

As I was listening to her lecture, this song from my childhood came back to me:

Day by day, oh, dear Lord, three things I pray
To see thee more clearly
Love thee more dearly
Follow thee more nearly, day by day

Day by day, day by day
Oh, dear Lord, three things I pray
To see thee more clearly
Love thee more dearly
Follow thee more nearly, day by day

I remembered how the sound of this song used to fill my childhood home, and I would wonder what it meant. I'm getting it now -- not necessarily in a prayer to the Lord, but in a the Universe is bigger than we are and there are powers we may not fully understand but can still harness and use for good kind of way...

We also talked a bunch over the weekend about how ultimately incompatible the study and practice of Ashtanga yoga is with another highly revered form: Iyengar. My own training was with someone highly influenced by Iyengar, but I have found myself straying from that school in both my teaching and my practice. Still, I like this quote that someone posted on FB:

"For them freedom is misunderstood. They think freedom is license to act as they like. Whereas freedom comes after discipline, it is the end of discipline, which later urges one to action from the inner voice. Freedom comes when the disciplined action is converted with rigorous discipline into a natural action." B.K.S. Iyengar

As a person who has been driven by a desire for freedom much of my life, I have found discipline much harder to come by. But through my Ashtanga yoga practice, and specifically after studying with Zoe for the first time last May, I have finally found discipline. And I've realized what Iyengar is saying -- that discipline makes freedom possible in a way that is sweeter than anything untethered could ever be...

Torn

The lyrics to this song were in my head after hot yoga this morning:

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like
He was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know, don't seem to care
What your heart is for
No I don't know him anymore

There's nothin' where we used to lie
Conversation has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's fine

I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm shamed
Lying naked on the floor

Specifically, these lyrics:

Illusion never changed
Into something real

If I can just remember that, I'm gonna be just fine. But it ain't easy, because when I was a kid, illusion was my best friend. So breaking up with it has been a long slow process:

I'm wide awake
And I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn

I may have been torn, but I'm healing. I can feel it...

Hold Back the River

I heard this song in the car on the way to my favorite Yin yoga class tonight:

Tried to keep you close to me,
But life got in between
Tried to square not being there
But think that I should have been

Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes
Hold back the river, so I
Can stop for a minute and see where you hide
Hold back the river, hold back

Once upon a different life
We rode our bikes into the sky
But now we call against the tide
Those distant days are flashing by

Which really set me up for another big release in class. As soon as I laid back on the bolster, as most people do while we wait for the teacher, the tears began rolling out the corners of my eyes:

Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes
Hold back the river, so I
Can stop for a minute and be by your side
Hold back the river, hold back

Of course, there's no holding back the river. Not the river that took away the man I loved most in this world and not the river of tears his departure left behind:

Lonely water, lonely water, won't you let us wander
Let us hold each other
Lonely water, lonely water, won't you let us wander
Let us hold each other

There's no holding each other. Not anymore. There's just me. Letting Go. Again. And again. And again...

Long May You Run

My kids on Bascom Hill

Library Mall

Marsh along Lakeshore Path

This was a pretty incredible weekend weatherwise. When I saw the prediction, I told the kids I wanted to go to some sort of state park and maybe even camp. They thought we needed to put more time into planning a camping trip and then couldn't agree on a destination for a day trip. So when we got up yesterday, and my son suggested we have a Madison adventure downtown, we agreed that was a capitol idea. The photos prove it!

Education Building

I heard this song today on the way to my son's soccer game in Marshall, which was especially fitting because I snuck in a run during his warm-up period, and it turned out to be a beautiful spot: Goose Lake Wildlife Area.

We've been through
Some things together
With trunks of memories
Still to come
We found things to do
In stormy weather
Long may you run.

Long may you run.
Long may you run.
Although these changes
Have come
With your chrome heart shining
In the sun
Long may you run.

Well, it was
Back in Blind River in 1962
When I last saw you alive
But we missed that shift
On the long decline
Long may you run.

Long may you run.
Long may you run.
Although these changes
Have come
With your chrome heart shining
In the sun
Long may you run.

Maybe The Beach Boys
Have got you now
With those waves
Singing "Caroline No"
Rollin' down
That empty ocean road
Gettin' to the surf on time.

I love me some Neil Young. And as my kids and I strolled around downtown Madison this weekend, I thought how long my run has been to this point, both on this Earth and as their mother. And I couldn't help but join Neil and his buddy Stephen in wishing this for my babes who are growing up so fast:

Long may you run.
Long may you run.
Although these changes
Have come
With your chrome heart shining
In the sun
Long may you run.

Shooting Star

Yesterday at the gym this song was playing when I walked out of my yoga class:

Don't you know, yeah yeah, Don't you know that you are a shooting star,
Don't you know, don't you know. Don't you know that you are
a shooting star, And all the world will love you just as long,
As long as you are.

And I sang along, at least I thought I did, to one of my students:

Don't you know that you are a superstar?!

Isn't it shooting star? She corrected. I guess according to Bad Company, it is:

Oh oh oh, Don't you know that you are a shooting star,
Don't you know, yeah, don't you know', Don't you know that
you are a shooting star,
Don't you know, yeah,
Don't you know that you are a shooting star,
Don't you, don't you,
don't you, don't you,
Don't you know, don't you
know, oh, yeah, you are,
Yeah, a shooting star, yeah, oh
oh oh oh oh......
Don't you, don't you know
that you are a shooting star,
Don't you don't you know......

I'll tell you who did not turn out to be a superstar or a shooting star, and that was the dude from Tinder whom I talked to on the phone on Friday. So not someone with whom I enjoyed talking.

I decided after that that I either need to get away from online dating altogether or engage in it a little more -- being a potted plant on those sites is doing me zero good.

So I decided to reach out to a dude who looked cool and sounded interesting. He's a fellow ginger, which I find intriguing -- I've never dated another redhead. Not sure I'm gonna date this one, either, but when I asked him if he is a biker, either mountain or road, he said mountain. I said cool, we should go together, he agreed, and then, here's the kicker: He signed his name, and it was, of course, one and the same name as:

1) My first real boyfriend;
2) My first love; (different person from 1)
3) My last love.

I almost wrote back and said nah, never mind, I have a policy against going down this same road again, but I stopped myself. Although some of my friends agree with me that maybe I need to steer clear of boys with this admittedly popular name (but still), others have suggested that the ones that came before are all a warm-up for the real deal who'll have the same name. Who knows? We'll see how this one plays out...