I Go Blind

This was my view all day Saturday and Sunday!

This is the song that came to me as I rode my bike to practice this morning:

Every time I look at you, I go blind.
Every time I look at you, I go blind.
In the mornin' I get up, and I try to
Feel alive, but I can't.
Every time I look at you, I go blind.
I don't know what it is.
Something in me just won't give me a chance.
I think it's that I feel more confused
By the deal love has shown me.
Little child, did you know that there's a light,
And it's gonna shine right through your eyes.
What do you think that life is like?

Every time I look at you, I go blind.
I go blind
Well some where over there there's a purpose,
There's a care for free
In me there's no body, no one plan,
No one stand to be free.
I think it's that because I have seen all the fuss
And it's no big deal. No big deal.
Hold me, hold me 'cause I want to get higher and higher,
Higher than life.

I can't really explain it, except to say that I was ecstatic to be home, to be on my bike, to be by myself, to be on my way to practice. And somehow that cues Hootie on my internal soundtrack?

I dunno.

I do know this: I love my kid, and I was happy to support him by heading to suburban Chicagoland for two days to watch him play soccer, but I was even happier when I crawled into my own bed last night and tucked my kids into theirs...

Gabriel's Oboe

The stage during the ABBA Montage

It's super rare that I mark a day with a song without lyrics, but this song was by far the most remarkable of all the songs I heard at my son's concert tonight.

Do yourself a favor and watch the video at least long enough to hear the oboe solo. At the concert at my son's school, the oboe was played by a member of the band who is a little person, which made the sound that came out of her -- of that instrument -- all the more impressive.

I almost didn't know what to do with the sound, and then I remembered the work I've been doing to open my heart. And I breathed the music in, encouraging it to penetrate the layers of protection that I have so carefully placed around my heart over the years...

Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes

You can't see it but there's a baby crane in this pic!

I heard this song a few days ago and thought about blogging about it, but didn't. And then I heard it again today -- probably the only two times I've heard it in the last year -- so it feels like I'm supposed to use it:

She's a rich girl
She don't try to hide it
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes

He's a poor boy
Empty as a pocket
Empty as a pocket with nothing to lose
Sing Ta na na
Ta na na na
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes

People say she's crazy
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Well that's one way to lose these
Walking blues
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes

She was physically forgotten
Then she slipped into my pocket
With my car keys
She said you've taken me for granted
Because I please you
Wearing these diamonds

And I could say Oo oo oo
As if everybody knows
What I'm talking about
As if everybody would know
Exactly what I was talking about
Talking about diamonds on the soles of her shoes

She makes the sign of a teaspoon
He makes the sign of a wave
The poor boy changes clothes
And puts on after-shave
To compensate for his ordinary shoes

And she said honey take me dancing
But they ended up by sleeping
In a doorway
By the bodegas and the lights on
Upper Broadway
Wearing diamonds on the soles of their shoes

And I could say Oo oo oo
As if everybody here would know
What I was talking about

Love, love, love Springtime at the Capitol!

I mean everybody here would know exactly
What I was talking about
Talking about diamonds

People say I'm crazy
I got diamonds on the soles of my shoes
Well that's one way to lose
These walking blues
Diamonds on the soles of your shoes

Now I do not have diamonds on the soles of my shoes, but then again, I don't have the blues either. Not when there is so much beauty in this world:

Cranes!

Baby Cranes!

Tulips!

Oh my!

Before You Accuse Me

I can't super say why the internal jukebox started playing this song while I was mountain biking this morning, but it did:

Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
You say I've been spending my money on other women
You've been taking money from someone else

I called your mama 'bout three or four nights ago
I called your mama 'bout three or four nights ago
Well your mother said "Son"
"Don't call my daughter no more"

Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
You say I've been spending my money on other women
You've been taking money from someone else

Come back home baby, try my love one more time
Come back home baby, try my love one more time
If I don't go on and quit you
I'm gonna lose my mind

I'm pretty sure this song was playing in my head when I crashed -- and it was quite a crash. But I got right back up, hoping my bike would still work (it did), just in time to get out of the way of the dude behind me. My legs were shaky, my knee was skinned, and my back felt stiff, but otherwise, I seemed to be relatively unscathed.

Maybe that crash was the Universe's way of saying that I shouldn't still be singing that last verse, as tempting as it is when I'm doing one of the things I most enjoyed with my last lover. Because in truth, I don't want him to come back home.

I want to be with someone who is whole. And well. I've worked too hard to get there myself not to reap the benefits within the context of my romantic relationship. If I could just manage to stop protecting myself from further heartbreak, I could let that beautiful, whole, well person in. And I will. When I'm ready. I'm just making sure I've adequately prepared on my end...

My Country Tis Of Thee

Full moon today, and in the Ashtanga tradition, that means rest. It's not easy to take rest, when you are used to starting your day with a vigorous practice, but when I asked PJ how to deal with the rough feeling that can come on a day of rest, he suggested I do what he does: stay in bed most of the day.

So I decided to try it. Sans phone. Sans computer. Just rest. I also read -- finished my book, polished off a couple of issues of the New Yorker -- it was heaven. Later in the day, I did manage to get outside and garden, but I didn't leave home, and the only person I talked to was my neighbor.

It was glorious.

And I'll tell you what else was glorious: the article in the New Yorker about Aretha Franklin. Wow. She has not had an easy life, but dang, does she have a gift. Although I've blogged about this song already, if you haven't seen the video of her singing Natural Woman with the President crying in the background, it is well worth your time. So phenomenal.

Speaking of being moved to tears, patriotic songs like this one always do that to me, but with Aretha at the mic, well, I'm moved even more:

My country, 'tis of thee,
Sweet land of liberty,
Of thee I sing;
Land where my fathers died,
Land of the pilgrims' pride,
From ev'ry mountainside
Let freedom ring!

My native country, thee,
Land of the noble free,
Thy name I love;
I love thy rocks and rills,
Thy woods and templed hills;
My heart with rapture thrills,
Like that above.

Let music swell the breeze,
And ring from all the trees
Sweet freedom's song;
Let mortal tongues awake;
Let all that breathe partake;
Let rocks their silence break,
The sound prolong.

Our fathers' God to Thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright,
With freedom's holy light,
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God our King.

These songs always inspire me to keep trying to make good on these promises for all Americans. Also in the New Yorker was a story of the mentally ill in Florida prisons. I cannot abide treating human beings inhumanely, and I'm going to do what I can to change it. Call me a hug-a-thug (term from the article) if you must, but all people deserve to be treated with dignity.

After all, how can we expect more from others than we refuse to give of ourselves?

Wild One

It has been a long time since I've marked a day with a cheesy song heard at the gym, and there's a reason for that: I haven't been to any fitness classes at the gym in months. I do my practice, I ride my bike, and that's about it.

Today I decided it was time to get back to class. There's a pose I'm working on in my practice that is more about strength than flexibility, and that's what I've lost by not going to classes.

I'm not gonna lie, I feel much more like a wild one, and much more like myself, in the woods on my mountain bike. But my arms aren't going to get buff doing that, so I'm going to resign myself to make it more often to the classes where songs like this are used to motivate:

Hey I heard you were a wild one
Oooh
If I took you home
It'd be a home run
Show me how you do

I wanna shut down in the club
With you
Hey I heard you like the wild ones (wild ones wild ones)
Oooh

I like crazy, foolish, stupid
Party going wild, fist pumping music,
I might lose it
Glass to the roof, that how we do'z it (do'z it do'z it)
I don't care the night, she don't care we like
Almost dared the right vibe
Ready to get live, ain't no surprise
Take me so high, jumping nose dive
Surfing the crowd
Oooh
Said I gotta be the man
I'm the head of my band, mic check one two
Shut them down in the club while the playboy does it, and y'all get loose loose
After bottle, we all get bent and again tomorrow
Gotta break rules cause that's the motto
Club shuts down, a hundred super models

Hey I heard you were a wild one
Oooh
If I took you home
It'd be a home run
Show me how you do

I wanna shut down in the club
With you
Hey I heard you like the wild ones (wild ones wild ones)
Oooh

Party rocker, foot-show stopper
More Chambord
Number one, club popper
Got a hangover like too much vodka
Can't see me with ten binoculars
So cool
No doubt by the end of the night
Got the clothes coming off
Then I make that move
Somehow, someway, gotta raise the roof, roof
All black shades when the sun come through
Uh-Oh, it's on like everything goes
Round up baby tilt the freaky show

What happens to that body, it's a private show
Stays right here, private show
I like 'em untamed, don't tell me how pain
Tolerance, bottoms up with the champagne
My life, call my homie then we hit Spain
Do you busy with the bail, we get insane

I am a wild one
Break me in
Saddle me up and let's begin
I am a wild one
Tame me now
Running with wolves
And I'm on the prowl...

Heaven

Sweet supta kurmasana: how I've longed for you!

Here we are, day 5 of the cleanse. I'm no longer feeling angry (which is what always comes up when I take away my treats), I have more energy, and my body is feeling less stiff.

I had a tough, but important, conversation with my parents this morning, which involved lots of tears, and when I got to practice I suggested to my partner that we practice without talking. We're supposed to do that every day but when it is just the two of us, we tend to chat. I knew that, today in particular, I needed the medicine that comes from a real Ashtanga practice.

And what an amazing practice it was, in so many ways, not the least of which was FINALLY binding this posture that I have been working on for over a year. It is difficult to even describe the feeling I had when I managed to grab my hands at long last. It was pure, unadulterated joy. Heaven. Might not look comfy, but it felt like a miracle.

Hence today's song, chosen for its title, not necessarily its lyrics:

Our children will always hear
Romantic tales of distant years
Our guilty age may come and go
Our crooked dreams will always flow

Stick with me
Oh you're my best friend
All of my life
You've always been

Remember remember
All we fight for
Remember remember
All we fight for

Don't leave me
Oh you're my best friend
All of my life
You've always been
Don't leave me now
You're my best friend
All of my life
You've always been

Remember remember
All we fight for
Remember remember
All we fight for

In that moment, I didn't need to remember anything. I was the embodiment of all I've been fighting for all these years: healing, growth, flexibility, safety, surrender, strength. It's all in there!