Same Love

Today was such a gorgeous day. Sunny but cool -- perfect running weather. So I decided to do one of my faves -- the Capitol to Picnic Point and back. My slacker choice turned out to be an inspired one -- the 66 songs that changed everything. I didn't get through all 66 -- but this song was one of them:

When I was in the third grade I thought that I was gay,
'Cause I could draw, my uncle was, and I kept my room straight.
I told my mom, tears rushing down my face
She's like "Ben you've loved girls since before pre-k, trippin'."
Yeah, I guess she had a point, didn't she?
Bunch of stereotypes all in my head.
I remember doing the math like, "Yeah, I'm good at little league."
A preconceived idea of what it all meant
For those that liked the same sex
Had the characteristics
The right wing conservatives think it's a decision
And you can be cured with some treatment and religion
Man-made rewiring of a predisposition
Playing God, aw nah here we go
America the brave still fears what we don't know
And "God loves all his children" is somehow forgotten
But we paraphrase a book written thirty-five-hundred years ago
I don't know

I'd heard the song before, and liked it, but mainly knew the chorus:

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

And because I mainly knew the chorus, I didn't know specifically to what it was referring:

If I was gay, I would think hip-hop hates me
Have you read the YouTube comments lately?
"Man, that's gay" gets dropped on the daily
We become so numb to what we're saying
A culture founded from oppression
Yet we don't have acceptance for 'em
Call each other faggots behind the keys of a message board
A word rooted in hate, yet our genre still ignores it
Gay is synonymous with the lesser
It's the same hate that's caused wars from religion
Gender to skin color, the complexion of your pigment
The same fight that led people to walk outs and sit ins
It's human rights for everybody, there is no difference!
Live on and be yourself
When I was at church they taught me something else
If you preach hate at the service those words aren't anointed
That holy water that you soak in has been poisoned
When everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless
Rather than fighting for humans that have had their rights stolen
I might not be the same, but that's not important
No freedom 'til we're equal, damn right I support it

But now that I do, I can't think of a more appropriate song to mark this day, for two reasons:

The first reason is that one week ago today, a judge opened the door to same sex marriage in Wisconsin, setting off a flurry of marriage licenses and weddings that may or may not be in legal limbo (depending on who you ask). In any event, it is no longer a question of whether Wisconsin will join the list of states that admits that love is the same whether it is a man and a woman or two men or two women, it's just a question of when it will be 100% officially legal:

(I don't know)

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

We press play, don't press pause
Progress, march on
With the veil over our eyes
We turn our back on the cause
'Til the day that my uncles can be united by law
When kids are walking 'round the hallway plagued by pain in their heart
A world so hateful some would rather die than be who they are
And a certificate on paper isn't gonna solve it all
But it's a damn good place to start
No law is gonna change us
We have to change us
Whatever God you believe in
We come from the same one
Strip away the fear
Underneath it's all the same love
About time that we raised up... sex

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

The second reason is that I'm back to really feeling the love today -- from my kids, from myself -- in a way that lets me know that the same love I felt when I had a man next to me keeping me warm is the love that I'm feeling now:

Love is patient
Love is kind
Love is patient
Love is kind
(not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
Love is kind

The Best Day of My Life

The 5th grade grad with her Mama in a candid

It's been a big couple of days for my family. Yesterday my son graduated from 8th grade, and today my daughter graduated from 5th grade. When I was a kid, you didn't graduate until 12th grade, but I appreciated the ceremonies marking the passages my kids will be making this year.

At my daughter's ceremony, the kids chose to sing this song:

I had a dream so big and loud
I jumped so high I touched the clouds
Wo-oah-oah-oah-oah-oh-oh
Wo-oah-oah-oah-oah-oh-oh
I stretched my hands out to the sky
We danced with monsters through the night
Wo-oah-oah-oah-oah-oh-oh
Oah-oah-oah-oah-oah-oh-oh

I'm never gonna look back, woah
I'm never gonna give it up, noo
Please don't wake me now

Oo-o-o-o-o-o
This is gonna be the best day of my (Oo-o-o-o-o-o)life
My li-i-i-i-i-ii-ife
Oo-o-o-o-o-oooooo
This is gonna be the best day of my (Oo-o-o-o-o-o)life
My li-i-i-i-i-ii-ife

On the way home, I told my daughter I liked the song and they sang it well, but I hoped that this wasn't the best day of her life. My son agreed. But my daughter didn't get it - -that I was hoping there'd be more momentous days for her ahead -- and I love that she didn't, because it just shows how in the moment kids are.

Besides, it was a pretty darn good day. My son was off today, so after I got back from taking my daughter to school, we walked to a local breakfast joint. It was a beautiful day and we had such a nice time together.

In a similar vein, the three of us walked to a local restaurant for dinner. We went to a fancier place than I normally take my kids to -- at my son's suggestion. Our waiter turned out to be someone I knew from the yoga community -- and also someone with whom I once went on a date. My kids were very curious about that, and it was fun to have that discussion with them.

After dinner, we played frisbee on the roof of the parking garage and then walked home and had cupcakes and ice cream for dessert.

All in all, a banner day:

I howled at the moon with friends
And then the sun came crashing in
Wo-oah-oah-oah-oah-oh-oh
Oah-oah-oah-oah-oah-oh-oh
But all the possibilities
No limits just epiphanies
Wo-oah-oah-oah-oah-oh-oh
Oah-oah-oah-oah-oah-oh-oh

I'm never gonna look back, woah
I'm never gonna give it up, noo
Just don't wake me now

Oo-o-o-o-o-o
This is gonna be the best day of my (Oo-o-o-o-o-o)life
My li-i-i-i-i-ii-ife
Oo-o-o-o-o-o
This is gonna be the best day of my (Oo-o-o-o-o-o)life
My li-i-i-i-i-ii-ife

I hear it calling outside my window
I feel it in my soul

The stars were burning so bright
The sun was out 'til midnight
I say we lose control

Oo-o-o-o-o-o
This is gonna be the best day of my (Oo-o-o-o-o-o)l-ii-fe
My li-i-i-i-i-ii-ife

I'm Into Something Good

What a fantastic weekend. Slept in on Saturday, got to snuggle in my bed with both kids -- so delicious -- got to eat bacon -- so delicious -- see an old friend at my son's triumphant soccer game, and then had friends over for dinner. Sunday I had a great yoga practice followed by some nice time with my kids and some time in my garden -- all on an absolutely gorgeous day.

All three of us were feeling really good. My daughter even played this song -- a song I didn't even know she knew:

Woke up this morning feelin' fine
There's something special on my mind
Last night I met a new girl in the neighborhood, whoa yeah
Something tells me I'm into something good
(Something tells me I'm into something)

She's the kind of girl who's not too shy
And I can tell I'm her kind of guy
She danced close to me like I hoped she would
(She danced with me like I hoped she would)
Something tells me I'm into something good
(Something tells me I'm into something)

We only danced for a minute or two
But then she stuck close to me the whole night through
Can I be fallin' in love?
(She's everything I've been dreamin' of)
She's everything I've been dreamin' of

I'm not falling in love at the moment, but that's ok, because my kids are everything I've dreamed of, and more. When it was close to bedtime, I realized that I hadn't yet done my 5 minutes of meditation, so I told my daughter I was going to do it while she brushed her teeth and then I'd read to her. She said no, wait, she wanted to sit with me. She listened while I told her about the objects on my altar. And we sat.

And even though my mind was supposed to be quiet, I kept hearing:

Something tells me I'm into something good...

World Waits For You

Last night I got some emails from someone I care about very much that made it apparent to me, as it has been before, that he was depressed. Not a little bit, but really out of touch with his goodness. I urged him, as I have in the past, to get some help.

I remember so well what it was like for me when I was depressed. I knew something was wrong for a few months before I sought help. I guess I thought I would start feeling better, and I don't think I knew or believed that anyone could help.

Then one day I got a postcard from my best friend, who knew I was overwhelmed. She didn't know the depths of where I was -- but she knew I was overwhelmed. Parent of two young kids and all that. The postcard said: "Ever wish you had another day in your week?" Meaning, you know, too much to do, too little time.

Only when I read it I thought: "No. I've never wished that. I can barely get through the seven days of the week that I have to get through now, I can't imagine if I had to deal with eight."

It was shortly after that moment that I called my doctor and made an appointment. My doctor prescribed antidepressants and sleep medication -- I wasn't sleeping either -- and made an appointment for me with a psychiatrist.

I loved my doctor, and I knew she wanted me to see the psychiatrist, that she thought it would help, so I went. I really hated the psychiatrist the first time I met her. I never really warmed to her too much -- she wasn't a particularly warm person -- but I came to appreciate that she was doing her job. She asked me all kinds of questions that felt like accusations: "Maybe you don't want to be at home with your kids. Maybe that's not for you. That's not for everyone." I remember that one well. I loved my kids desperately, but I didn't want to be with them. I didn't want to be anywhere.

And then the medication started to work. I started to be able to cope more with my daily life. I started to be able to be asked questions about who I was and who I was mad at and what it was going to take for me to feel better. It was a long, long time before I truly felt better, but the relief of being stabilized by the meds really saved me when I wasn't sure anything could, and that allowed me to do the work I needed to do to heal.

Some people aren't so lucky. This song is from the movie The Bridge, a documentary about the suicides of people who didn't get help:

When the world wants right and wrong
Could you break me the news
If i asked you to lie
Would you tell me the truth

In this darkest hour
A brave face will break soon
The world waits for you
The world waits for you
Could you carry me through

It's hard to wake up
Fateful hands that we find
Promises bogged down
Just chasms to climb

In this darkest hour
A brave face will break soon
The world waits for you
The world waits for you
Could you carry me through
Find strength from the words
Of those that went before
Take what you need
But leave even more

It's hard for me when the people I love are depressed. I'm very familiar with the feeling, that's for sure. My parents both suffer from it. My cousins too. And there's not much I can do. Except shine my light, and try to be there for them when theirs grow dangerously dim.

The trick, as I've learned, is I need to stay focused on myself. My own path. My own healing. I can't do anyone else's...

Lust for Life

I had a great yoga practice this morning. It feels so different than it did before last weekend's workshop. I feel different, too. Better. Lighter.

I had so much fun teaching my yoga class today at noon. Sharing what I learned. But after work today -- the last few weeks I've been doing the 7 miler to picnic point and back on Tuesdays -- I wasn't sure I wanted to run. The beauty of not being in training for a particular race is that I have the freedom and flexibility to listen to my body and make a decision about whether I want to run. A yoga teacher once told me that it's important to know if your body is saying no or your mind, since sometimes the mind is the culprit.

I finally decided to go, and in the end, I was glad I did.

Particularly when this song came on:

I've got a lust for life (oooh)
Got a lust for life (oooh)
Oh, a lust for life (oooh)
Oh, a lust for life (oooh)
A lust for life (oooh)
I got a lust for life (oooh)
Got a lust for life

Yes my friends, I do have a lust for life. Always have, but it was buried under some hard stuff for what feels like a long time. Might be too early to say, but it feels like it's back, and maybe even bigger than ever...

All I Need

This past weekend, I seemed to get a lot of advice about my lovelife. Specifically, a number of people, from some of my friends to a woman I don't know who was also at the yoga weekend, have strong feelings about an upcoming trip I have planned to the East Coast.

Here's the thing. I'm not the only one who fell in love with the man who moved from New England to Wisconsin nearly three years ago. My kids did too. And when he decided to move back, it was my kids who were most accepting of his decision. They really only wanted to know one thing -- well, in my daughter's case two things -- when they were going to see him again, and whether he still loved them (respectively).

One of the things that really worked for the four of us was going on adventures together. Camping, biking, climbing, hiking. And ever since he decided to move back, he's been talking about how much fun it would be if we came out there to visit.

So this winter, when we were headed toward reconciliation, I booked three tickets to Maine and a campsite in Acadia in August. What can I say? I'm an optimist. I like to travel. I love my kids. And, well, yeah. I love the man too.

Now that it is clear to both of us that things aren't lining up for a romantic partnership, I get why it doesn't seem to some people to be a super wise move for us to still go on the trip.

But we're going. And I know we're going to have a great time. And it'll be hard, yeah, to be all together and then go back to being separate again, because we all really like being together. But that's just the way it is.

In the meantime, after months of being uncomfortable with the amount of time I've been grieving, I've decided I'm just going to be ok with it lasting as long as it lasts. Because I really get why it's so big. For anyone who watches/watched Grey's Anatomy, it's a Derek and Meredith kind of love, and it's the kind of love that my new favorite hottie singer croons about in this song:

Here it comes it's all blowing in tonight
I woke up this morning to a blood red sky
They're burning on the bridge turning off the lights
We're on the run I can see it in your eyes
If nothing is safe then I don't understand
You call me your boy but I'm trying to be the man
One more day and it's all slipping with the sand
You touch my lips and grab the back of my hand
The back of my hand

Guess we both know we're in over our heads
We got nowhere to go and no home that's left
The water is rising on a river turning red
It all might be OK or we might be dead
If everything we've got is slipping away
I meant what I said when I said until my dying day
I'm holding on to you, holding on to me
Maybe it's all gone black but you're all I see
You're all I see

The walls are shaking, I hear them sound the alarm
Glass is breaking so don't let go of my arm
Grab your bags and a picture of where we met
All that we'll leave behind and all that's left
If everything we've got is blowing away
We've got a rock and a rock till our dying day
I'm holding on to you, holding on to me
Maybe it's all we got but it's all I need
You're all I need

And if all we've got, is what no one can break,
I know I love you, if that's all we can take,
the tears are coming down, they're mixing with the rain,
I know I love you, if that's all we can take.

A pool is running for miles on the concrete ground
We're eight feet deep and the rain is still coming down
The TV's playing it all out of town
We're grabbing at the fray for something that won't drown...

But what I've learned over the past year and change is that sometimes we have to let go of even the big loves. It's harder. It's hard as hell sometimes. But it is sometimes necessary, as it is in this case for me, and it feels more and more possible every day...

Peaceful, Easy Feeling

I'm just back from an inspiring weekend with an amazing yoga teacher, Zoe Mai. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail here, but things began to shift for me in the workshop. And one of the things that shifted was any illusion I had that I know what the rest of my life looks like or how to get the things I want (or even what I want). I'm ready to turn it over in a different way. To commit to the practice as one part of the path to my own integration and wholeness.

To ask for what I want in my life: Peace. Love. Comfort. Belonging. Joy. Service. Connection. Spirit. Passion. Adventure.

Without specifying who or what or when I need those things, or how.

Which leaves me with a greater sense of peace and a song in my head:

I like the way your sparkling earrings lay,
Against your skin, it's so brown.
And I wanna sleep with you in the desert tonight
With a billion stars all around.

'Cause I got a peaceful easy feeling,
And I know you won't let me down
'cause I'm already standing on the ground.

That's right, The Eagles. How can you beat this vintage video from 1973, when yours truly was 2 years old?

And I found out a long time ago
What a woman can do to your soul.
Oh, but she can't take you anyway,
You don't already know how to go.

And I got a peaceful easy feeling,
And I know you won't let me down
'cause I'm already standing on the ground.

I get this feeling I may know you as a lover and a friend.
But this voice keeps whispering in my other ear,
Tells me I may never see you again.

'cause I get a peaceful easy feeling
And I know you won't let me down
'cause I'm already standing...
I'm already standing...
Yes, I'm already standing on the ground
Oh, oh