Things Can Only Get Better

I took the day off from work today so I could take it easy on my birthday. I signed up for a yoga class, and biked over to the studio only to find that I didn't have my usual amount of energy. Could have been the doughnuts my coworkers treated me to yesterday -- could've been the margarita I treated myself to last night -- I'm not really sure.

In any case, at one point I looked at the clock and it read 10:42. The class ended at 11am. 18 minutes. I can do 18 more minutes, I thought. I'm nothing if not resilient. I've got that going for me.

I made it through, of course, and as is so often the case when difficulties present themselves, I also gained something from the experience. At some point during the class, I started a mantra with my breathing -- connection (as I inhaled), letting go (as I exhaled). And I kept doing that. Even though it was hard, because I both want and don't want both of those things. Both present their challenges, but one is not possible without the other.

Lying in savasana at the end of class, continuing with my new mantra, tears started to roll down my cheeks as I recognized the fleeting nature of connection and the necessity of letting go. It would seem, it occurred to me, that if I'm craving more connection, which I am, I need to do more letting go.

As I rode away from the studio toward my breakfast sandwich, this song from Howard Jones filled my mind. It seems he's contemplated something much like my mantra and come to the same conclusion:

We're not scared to lose it all
Security throw through the wall
Future dreams we have to realize
A thousand skeptic hands
Won't keep us from the things we plan
Unless we're clinging to the things we prize

And do you feel scared, I do
But I won't stop and falter
And if we threw it all away
Things can only get better

Whoa whoa whoa-oh-oh whoa-whoa whoa-oh-oh
(Whoa whoa whoa-oh-oh whoa-whoa whoa-oh-oh)
Whoa whoa whoa-oh-oh whoa-whoa whoa-oh-oh
(Whoa whoa whoa-oh-oh whoa-whoa whoa-oh-oh)

Treating today as though it was
The last, the final show
Get to sixty and feel no regret
It may take a little time
A lonely path, an uphill climb
Success or failure will not alter it

And do you feel scared, I do
And I won't stop and falter
And if we threw it all away
Things can only get better...

Birthdays are always a time for taking stock, and this one's no different. It's just that what I needed to take stock of is so damn hard to face. You see, the man I've loved for nearly four years has a pattern of withdrawal, I believe as a result of untreated depression and anxiety. I knew when we met that he was in need of some therapy to deal with childhood wounds, but I didn't know, really until today, that he wasn't going to get that help, and therefore we are not going to make it.

A rough realization on one's birthday to say the least, but, as Howard promised, things did get better (in terms of celebrating my birth) when I picked up my kids:

We cooked up a couple of delicious homemade pizzas...

And enjoyed this awesome cake my son made. I win! 

I'm Looking for a New Love

I have a new love.

It's true: Waffles.

I had a waffle at Surf's Up in Mazatlan and I swear it was one of the most delicious things I've ever eaten. My first day back home, I went to Target, purchased a waffle iron, and nearly every day since, I've been working to concoct a waffle similar to the delicious waffle I had there but using some of my usual healthy breakfast ingredients. It's a work in progress, but I can't even tell you how satisfying it is when that green light goes off, telling me my waffle is done. It's the greatest invention ever (even if it was invented like 50 years ago).

As I was contemplating the fact that my new love is managing to keep me happier than one might think I'd be given everything that is going on in my life, Jody Watley started playing on the internal jukebox:

You know that I needed you
You know that you meant the world to me
You know I had to have you
Now I'm gonna find some body new
I'm looking for a new love, baby, a new love
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I'm looking for a new love, baby, a new love
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Now I'm not actually at this point with my love life -- it is possible that I will be back on the market soon -- but I don't know yet. I'm in that limbo land that most of us have experienced at one time or another in our lives, where we love someone, and they love us, but we're just not sure if we're gonna make it.

And I'm ok being in that limbo for right now, because I get that sometimes it takes time to hear what one's heart is trying to say, especially if that heart is covered with layers of protection.

Besides, along with my delicious waffle every morning, yesterday I got some hilarious spam at work that seemed to foretell some action in the boudoir:

Your every night will be a complete flame.

One of these days, my Russian princess. One of these days. Until then, keep those sweet nothings in your non-native tongue coming, because they make me laugh...

When I Call Your Name

It ain't pretty, but there are bound to be days in a woman's life where the best musical marker of how she's feeling is a country song sung by a man with a mullet.

Today is one of those days for me. It's rainy, it's cold, and my baby's not only not here with me (I'm used to that), but he's not there with me either:

I rushed home from work like I always do
I spent my whole day just thinking of you
When I walked through the front door my whole life was changed
Cause nobody answered when I called your name

A note on the table that told me goodbye
It said you'd grown weary of living a lie
Your love has ended but mine still remains
But nobody answers when I call your name

Oh the lonely sound of my voice calling
Is driving me insane
And just like rain the tears keep falling
Nobody answers when I call your name

Oh the lonely sound of my voice calling
Is driving me insane
And just like rain the tears keep falling
Nobody answers when I call your name
Oh nobody answers when I call your name

Change of Time

I had a long talk with a friend today and we talked about the importance of doing things to keep yourself grounded when someone you love is going through a rough time. We agreed that both running and yoga are a support for me right now, and after my big run yesterday, I decided to rest this morning and then go to a 90-minute yoga class I like this afternoon with a friend.

The class was awesome. It was all about grounding, in honor of the earth day just passed, and one of the songs she played that particularly struck me was this one:

Time, love
Time, love
Time, love
It’s only a change of time

I found that chorus oddly reassuring, like what's happening today is only a change of time, it isn't necessarily true that my whole understanding needs to change:

I had a dream last night
And rusting far below me
Battered hulls and broken hardships
Leviathan and Lonely
I was thirsty so I drank
And though it was salt water
There was something ‘bout the way
It tasted so familiar

Time, love
Time, love
Time, love
It’s only a change of time

But the next couple of verses really strike a chord:

The black clouds I’m hanging
This anchor I’m dragging
The sails of memory rip open in silence
We cut through the lowlands
All hands through the saltlands
The white caps of memory
Confusing and violent

I had a dream last night
And when I opened my eyes
Your shoulder blade, your spine
Were shorelines in the moon light
New worlds for the weary
New lands for the living
I could make it if I tried
I closed my eyes I kept on swimming

It feels like that's all I can do at the moment. Just keep swimming:

Time, love
Time, love
Time, love
It’s only a change of
Time, love
Time, love
Time, love
It’s only a change of
Time, love
Time, love
Time, love
It’s only a change of
Time, love
Time
Time, love
It’s only a change of
Time, love
Time, love
Time, love
It’s only a change of
Time, love
Time, love
Time, love
It’s only a change of time

And remind myself it's only a change of time.

The teacher closed class with a beautiful Apache blessing that also spoke to me in that "I am a child of the Earth and I don't need anything in particular to be true, I just need to experience it" kind of way:

“May the sun bring you new energy by day, may the moon softly restore you by night, may the rain wash away your worries, may the breeze blow new strength into your being, may you walk gently through the world and know it's beauty all the days of your life.”

It's only a change of time. That's my new mantra...

Gonna Fly Now

I've been enjoying my return to running for more than a year now. I'm not sure exactly where it's going to take me -- maybe I'll finally run the marathon I've dreamed of running my whole adult life. I don't know -- I'm not sure my body is going to tolerate those really long runs. Maybe I'll enter another half marathon and see if this time I can beat my 1:57 PR. I'm not sure yet.

But I'm trying to get myself ready for whatever challenge I decide to take on, so my coach suggested I sign up for a 5K or a 10K as a fitness test. One of the races he suggested was Crazylegs, a 5 mile (8K) race I did a number of times back in the day, but haven't done for years. So I signed up and did some training, including a couple of practice runs up Observatory Hill -- the big hill near Memorial Union.

My coach's goals for me were 8:20 miles if I signed up for a 5K and 8:40 miles if I signed up for a 10K, so I decided an appropriate goal for an 8K was 8:30 minute miles. It was the first race where I had my watch to tell me how fast I was going, which was super helpful, because sometimes when I thought I was going fast I wasn't, and vice versa.

Anyway, I kicked my goal time's ass, with 8:09 minute miles:

Bib # Last Name First Name Time Age Place Overall Place Gender Gender Place 6816 ARCHIBALD SARAH 40:28 32 2266 F 470

It felt really good. I knew I had the power to achieve my goal, and that I'd put in the necessary training, but the Rocky Theme song that is blasted every year near the final stretch didn't hurt either:

Trying hard now
it's so hard now
trying hard now

Getting strong now
won't be long now
getting strong now

Gonna fly now
flying high now
gonna fly, fly, fly...

Someone Belonging to Someone

Today I started listening to the book The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown. I think I've posted her Ted Talk on the same subject before -- it's totally worth the 20 minutes it takes to watch it. But the book is really interesting too, and it really got me thinking. She talks a lot about worthiness, and people who believe they are worthy of love and belonging.

Listening to it, I realized the incongruence of me feeling like I am someone who is worthy of love and belonging, and staying in a relationship where I feel, at the moment at least, pushed away.

It feels like the opposite of belonging - - just ask the Bee Gees:

I know how I feel
Lonely in the black of night
There can be no love for me now
Nobody listens when the words ain't right
And you get into someone else
It's hard for me to know
Who's lovin' who
And where do I stand
What did I do it all for
There's no one I could love more
I did it for your heart alone
All that I try to be growin' inside to me
I can be strong if you're there

And there is someone belonging to someone
And I got no one belonging to me
I live in a world where the face of an angel
is all that a fool can see
You got the power to find me whenever I'm lost
Where are you? Who are we?

These are questions that I would've thought we had the answers to by now, but a particularly stressful time in my New Englander's life has brought the "where are you" question back to the forefront:

I believe in time
Can eat away a heart of stone
And baby if I leave you too late
It's just a feather and the bird has flown
It's colder when the fire dies
With all the trouble I'm in if I lose you too

Then what is my life
If I don't wanna go through
Anything without you
Couldn't be life at all
I could be lyin' on
You are the only one
We didn't make it by chance
And there is someone
belonging to someone
And I got no one belonging to me
I'm caught in a world on
the edge of tomorrow
It's all that a fool can find
I don't belong in the arms
of a love that is lost
Nowhere to cry
There must be something we
can say my love
Something except goodbye

I thought and hoped that he could find a way to lean on me, but it isn't working out that way. Some of my friends have talked about the good things that can come from hitting rock bottom. I know that to be true from my own experience, but so far, it ain't producing anything good for us, which leaves me feeling like maybe there isn't an us after all:

And there is someone belonging to someone
And I got no one belonging to me

Mexico

Enjoying an authentic Mexican meal at Playa Bruha

This song was in and out of my head all week while the kids and were in Mazatlan with my parents:

The whole crew on departure day outside the resort

Way down here
You need a reason to move
Feel a fool running your stateside games
Lose your load
Leave your mind behind, Baby James

Oh, Mexico
It sounds so simple
I just got to go
The sun's so hot

I forgot to go home
Guess I'll have to go now

"Americano" got the sleepy eye
But his body's still shaking like a live wire
Sleepy "Seсorita" with the eyes on fire

Oh, Mexico
It sounds so sweet with the sun sinking low
Moon's so bright like to light up the night
Make everything all right

Oh, down in Mexico
I never really been so I don't really know
Oh, Mexico
I guess I'll have to go

Yep, James, it's pretty sweet. Hopefully you've been by now, but if not, you've definitely got to go...