Voices Carry

Heard this beauty this morning during school dropoff:

I'm in the dark, I'd like to read his mind
But I'm frightened of the things I might find
Oh, there must be something he's thinking of
To tear him away-a-ay
When I tell him that I'm falling in love
Why does he say-a-ay

Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry
Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry
Uh-ah

I try so hard not to get upset
Because I know all the trouble I'll get
Oh, he tells me tears are something to hide
And something to fear-eh-eh
And I try so hard to keep it inside
So no one can hear

Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry
Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry
Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry
Uh-ah

Oh!
He wants me, but only part of the time
He wants me, if he can keep me in line

Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry
Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry
Hush hush, shut up now, voices carry
Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry
Hush hush, darling, she might overhear
Hush, hush - voices carry
He said shut up - he said shut up
Oh God can't you keep it down
Voices carry
Hush hush, voices carry

Nope, you can't keep it down, SJ, and now, you don't have to. Let that voice carry: He wants me ALL of the time.

Yay me!

Dancing On My Own

Last night I got to have a nice, long conversation with my boyfriend, filled with all the things I want out of a conversation with a boyfriend: comfort, joy, awareness, presence, understanding, brilliance, compassion, humor and of course, sexual chemistry across the miles.

Yep, we've got it all. And one of the things we talked about tonight was that I knew that, and part of me even knew that one day he'd be back.

I hoped. I hoped like hell. But I also tried to let go. And I managed to make room for the possibility that everything I knew in my heart and in my bones was wrong, but it was difficult to give that possibility much credence.

I didn't try very hard to find someone else, mostly because it felt disingenuous -- I didn't want anyone else. But every once in a while I'd pray that if I needed to be steered in another direction, I would be. And if that happened, it wouldn't mean settling. It would mean finding someone else who lit me up six ways to Sunday. (Hilarious tangent -- I just looked up that phrase to see if I was using it properly, and found this page, which gave this usage as an example: "I'd bang that girl six ways from Sunday she is vaginamite.") Yeah, that feeling. The one I had about him, and I knew he had about me. But I didn't meet anyone else in 3 plus years that hit a bullseye on every one of the things I want in a man.

On to today's song, which is on repeat both in my head and on my computer -- I cannot get enough of it. I feel like there are a couple of reasons it's resonating so hard today:

1) By sorta letting go but sorta holding on (because that's what my heart told me to do), I was in this painful in-between for much of the time we were apart. When we reunited, and my boyfriend described some takeaways from other relationships he'd had while we were apart, I felt what Calum so beautifully sings about here (much better than the original by Robyn if you ask me):

Somebody said you got a new friend
Does she love you better than I can
There's a big black sky over my town
I know where you're at I bet she's around
And yeah I know it's stupid
But I just gotta see it for myself

I'm in the corner watching you kiss her
Oh, oh, oh
And I'm right over here. Why can't you see me?
Oh, oh, oh
And I'm givin' it my all
But I'm not the guy you're taking home
Oh
I keep dancing on my own

I just wanna dance all night
I'm all messed up I'm so out of line
Stilettos and broken bottles
I'm spinning around in circles

And I'm in the corner watching you kiss her
Oh, oh, oh
And I'm right over here. Why can't you see me?
Oh, oh, oh
And I'm giving it my all
But I'm not the guy you're taking home
Oh
I keep dancing on my own
And oh, no no

So far away
But still so near
The lights come on
The music dies
But you don't see me standing here
I just came to say goodbye

And I'm in the corner watching you kiss her
Oh no
And I'm right over here. Why can't you see me?
Oh no
And I'm giving it my all
But I'm not the guy you're taking home
Ooh
I keep dancing on my own

So far away
But still so near
The lights come on
The music dies
But you don't see me standing here

I reckon a part of him saw, or at least felt, me (figuratively) standing there the whole time, but another part wouldn't let himself look. For fear of letting me down again, for fear of letting himself down again.

Not this time. Not letting the fear drive. Not now that we are both so clear about what we have to give and receive from each other...

2) The resonance for me of Calum's plaintive wail "I'm right over here, why can't you see me?" feels like it is really more  about my parents not being able to see me than it is about my boyfriend. Because the truth is, he was the first person to see all of me, since he helped heal and reveal so much of me, so I knew he could see me. He just didn't want to look. Until he was ready. Which of course was incredibly painful, but not nearly as painful as never being seen in one's wholeness at all...

Wish I Knew You

I keep hearing this happy number in the car:

You shine like a star
You know who you are
You're everything beautiful
She's hot, hot like the sun
The loneliest one
Still everything beautiful
Well I'll be god damned
You're standing at my door
We stayed up in the city
Until the stars lost the war
So Friday night, holy ghost
Take me to your level
Show me the one I need the most
I need the most

I wish I knew you when I was young
We could've got so high
Now we're here it's been so long
Two strangers in the bright lights
Oh I hope you don't mind
We can share my mood
Two strangers in the bright lights
I wish I knew you
I wish I knew you
Oh I wish I knew you when I was young

And it's funny -- I felt this way when I was with my boyfriend the last time around. I really, really did. I wished we had found each other, married, and had babies.

But this time around, I don't feel that way. I guess because I know everything that happened needed to happen for us both to be able to show up the way we are now and appreciate what we have in each other:

Truth, it's all that you need
You bury that seed
It's everything beautiful
That sound comes from the underground
It's all inside you now
It's everything beautiful
But what are you running from?
They got you on the run?
So Friday night, holy ghost
Take me to your level
Show me the one I need the most
I need the most

He is indeed the one I need the most. I was saying that before, mind you, but he wasn't ready to say I was the one he needed most. And also, I mighta needed him too much:

I wish I knew you when I was young
We could've got so high
Now we're here it's been so long
Two strangers in the bright lights
Oh and I hope you don't mind
We can share my mood, yeah
Two strangers in the bright lights
I wish I knew you
I wish I knew you
Oh I wish I knew you when I was young

I'm sure there is a part of me that will always feel like I wish I could have known him in all the other phases of his life, but the bigger part of me is now just really, really grateful that we do, indeed, share my mood:

Maybe we can share my mood
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Maybe we can share my mood
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Maybe we can share my mood
Whoa, whoa, whoa

...of contentment now that it's all working out just the way it was meant to be...

Iris

Forgive the flashmarks --Art by a UW professor

SUCH a great day today. Wow. From start to finish.

It started with a fun interaction with the man at the post office who asked me if I'd like anything else at the end of the transaction, to which I replied: "Nope, I believe you have met all of my needs this morning." He smiled: "It's been a long time since I've heard a woman say that."

I walked out with a spring in my step, grateful once again that my own lengthy period of having to meet so many of my own needs is coming to a close. Thanks Universe!

And then I got to spend 90 minutes talking with a UW Art professor who is an absolutely fascinating human being. I feel so fortunate to be in the role I'm in now, for which I am in part responsible for helping extend the impact of the brilliance of so many of our School of Education faculty. What a privilege!

The rest of my work day was productive in ways that I've needed it to be for a while but found elusive, and that's a feeling I have in general about my life right now. Like things are finally starting to fall into place. The vedic astrologer said that I am in a time of transition right now -- that there is a real sense of Before and After - that I now have the opportunity to slap a contract down in front of God with my childhood as collateral and demand a new life. And so I have.

I also got to go to yoga today with the one of my favorite teachers and a bunch of my favorite fellow yogis, where I just felt like more is possible in my body, with my body -- again, the same way I feel in my life right now. Which is a pretty great feeling.

Mind you, as I let all these fabulous feels come in, sometimes the hard ones come in too, as happened this morning during my yoga practice when I burst into tears during my sun salutations. I just remembered my Dad saying that he did not remember abusing me, but if it happened, he was deeply sorry and permanently ashamed. I feel that shame emanating from him, and I wish it wasn't there. I really do. Just not enough to take it on as I did before. And not enough to pretend it isn't there as I did for a very long time.

Perhaps this is why the armor is back, behind my heart, that went away a couple of weeks ago. I hoped it was gone for good, but I guess I should have known better. This cycle may well be lifelong -- protect myself here, open there, lather, rinse, repeat.

Finally, it is this song that has been on repeat on my inner ipod today. I love it when that happens -- not as a result of hearing a song externally -- but by tuning into my very own soundtrack:

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

Isn't this what we all want? I wanted so desperately for my parents to know who I was, but they don't seem to hold that capacity.

Just one more reason I feel so incredibly fortunate to be in love with someone who truly knows who I am. It's such a great feeling!

If I Ain't Got You

My daughter's snowman

Hooray for snow! My kids and I were so happy to see this white stuff when we woke up this morning. One of the things that the vedic astrologer told me is that I have to be sure to spend time at play -- that I tend not to do that and it's good for me to play.

Playing in the snow is about as childlike as it gets for me, so playing outside with my kids today was a real treat. I felt so fortunate to have a big chunk of time just hanging out with both kids this weekend -- I am increasingly aware that the time I have with them at home is fleeting.

I'm super thankful that just as I started to contemplate having an empty nest in five years, my other favorite playmate came back into my life. Writing this post, I was reminded of this one from back in 2013, the year he left. I totally remember standing on those snowy trails in Boulder and crying out: "I miss my playmate!"

I sure did. I spent almost three years contemplating the subject of this song (the one that played on my inner jukebox today was that James Bay version of Alicia Keys' original)-- not having him -- and I'm ever so grateful that I don't have to face that anymore. Everything just feels better with him back in my world. Lighter. Happier. More love-filled:

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you, baby
If I ain't got you, baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, yeah

Some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share

And my snow angel!

With no one who truly cares for me

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you, baby
If I ain't got you, baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, you, you
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you, baby
If I ain't got you, baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, yeah

If I ain't got you with me, baby
So nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me, baby

But I do have you, baby, and I will have you here in Madison with me and my other two favorite playmates soon enough!

Giants

One of my favorite giants - so much goodness!

Similar theme to the last post with this song and this post - More love:

I've been awake for days in the dusk and the dawn
And you're loving me whether you want to or not

Well I want you for sure, I am loving you more
I am loving you more
I am loving you more
I am loving you more

Who heard
What, no, right from the start
Go sell that shit somewhere farther from the heart
Running and running and running and stop
Come on we both knew this thing would be hard
I see art, you see class
You think, you ask
You say "Darling am I a chore?"

I said I know you love me, I am loving you more
I am loving you more
I am loving you more
I am loving you more

Pick up the perfect card
Slip into smiling wildly
After the rest have gone
We become beyond timeless
Give you everything that I have ever owned
Soon I will have bought us up a house and home
Up on the seventh floor

I know you love me I am loving you more
I am loving you more
I am loving you more
I am loving you more

I am loving you more
I am loving you more
I am loving you more
I am loving you more

Speaking of more to love, check out the photo of the giant Kombucha. These bottles make me so happy. I am by nature a guzzler, and I love Kombucha. I even wrote to GT Dave to tell him how happy they make me, which made everyone there happy too.

Hooray for loving everything more and more of everything to love!

Better Love

Whew, last night was a tough night. I went to bed nice and early in anticipation of an early morning practice -- My alarm was set for 4:30 and I was asleep by 9:30 pm -- but I woke up at 1:30 am (!), and I knew when I woke up that I wouldn't be getting back to sleep. I was triggered. Worked up. Unsettled.

I wasn't sure exactly why, but some of the thoughts churning through my head were about teaching the night before, where I'd attempted to hold a discussion on an incredible book that grapples with some tough topics: Between the World and Me. Did I give everyone an opportunity to be heard? Did I push my views on the students or allow space for them to form their own views?

But even after only four hours of sleep, I had a really great practice. Like I felt freedom in my body that I'd never felt before. My ribcage felt like less of a cage.

I talked to my boyfriend about it and he said that feeling that hard stuff may be difficult but it is also productive, and I reckon he's right.

I heard this song for the first time on my way back from practice this morning, and I knew who the artist was as he sang the very first note:

I once kneeled in shaking thrill
I chase the memory of it still, of every chill
Chided by that silence of a hush sublime
Blind to the purpose of the brute divine
But you were mine
Staring in the blackness at some distant star
The thrill of knowing how alone we are, unknown we are
To the wild and to the both of us
I confessed the longing I was dreaming of

Some better love, but there's no better love
Beckons above me and there's no better love
That ever has loved me, there's no better love
Darling, feel better love
Feel better love

And I've never loved a darker blue
Than the darkness I have known in you, own from you
You, whose heart would sing of anarchy
You would laugh at meanings, guarantees, so beautifully
When our truth is burned from history
By those who figured justice in fond memory, witness me
Like fire weeping from a cedar tree
Know that my love would burn with me
We'll live eternally

Cause there's no better love
That beckons above me, there's no better love
That ever has loved me, there's no better love
So darling, feel better love
Cause there's no better love
That's laid beside me, there's no better love
That justifies me, there's no better love
So darling, darling, feel better love
Feel better love

Feel better love
Feel better love
Feel better love

Cause there's no better love
That beckons above me, there's no better love
That ever has loved me, there's no better love
So darling, feel better love
Cause there's no better love
That's laid beside me, there's no better love
That justifies me, there's no better love
So darling, darling, feel better love
Feel better love

And I do feel like I am experiencing a better love than ever before. For one thing, I'm showing up differently. But he's different too, and I'm feeling that better love. Hopefully soon, I'll also be feeling better -- not just in my ribcage -- but done with this dang cold or whatever virus it is...