Cry Me a River

So many gorgeous sunsets lately! #nofilter

My boyfriend and I had a date tonight at the movies.

We saw Lady Bird, which was such a good film.

I didn't know what it was about when we walked in, so I couldn't have known it would contain a scene where a child leaves for college.

As the scene unfolded, I let the tears fall, as this beauty from the soundtrack played:

You were my sun
You were my earth
But you didn't know
All the ways I loved you, no
So you took a chance
Made other plans
But I bet you didn't think
That they would come crashing down, no

You don't have to say what you did
I already know, I found out from him
Now there's just no chance
With you and me
There'll never be
Don't it make you sad about it?

You told me you love me
Why did you leave me all alone?
Now you tell me you need me
When you call me on the phone
Girl, I refuse
You must have me confused
With some other guy
The bridges were burned
Now it's your turn, to cry
Cry me a river
Cry me a river
Cry me a river
Cry me a river

You know that they say
Some things are better left unsaid
It wasn't like you only talked to him
And you know it
(Don't act like you don't know it)
All of these things people told me
Keep messing with my head
Should've picked honesty
Then you may not have blown it

You don't have to say what you did
I already know, I found out from him
Now there's just no chance
With you and me
There'll never be
Don't it make you sad about it?

You told me you love me
Why did you leave me all alone?
Now you tell me you need me
When you call me on the phone
Girl, I refuse
You must have me confused
With some other guy
The bridges were burned
Now it's your turn, to cry
Cry me a river
Cry me a river
Cry me a river
Cry me a river

Oh! The damage is done
So I guess I be leaving
Oh! The damage is done
So I guess I be leaving
Oh! The damage is done
So I guess I be leaving
Oh! The damage is done
So I guess I be leaving

You don't have to say what you did
I already know, I found out from him
Now there's just no chance
With you and me
There'll never be
Don't it make you sad about it?

Bring It On Home to Me

We love Parfrey's Glen & no sleeves November!

After a weekend of helping my kids navigate some family dynamics and having lots of lovely adventures, I arrived at my fitness class on Monday ready to start a new week.

And when this song came on, I felt a rush of gratitude that the navigation and the adventures were all with my sweet love at my side, because just over a year ago, he did change his mind about leaving me behind:

If you ever change your mind
About leaving, leaving me behind
Oh, oh, bring it to me
Bring your sweet loving
Bring it on home to me
Yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)
I know I laughed when you left
But now I know I only hurt myself
Oh, oh, bring it to me
Bring your sweet loving
Bring it on home to me
Yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)
I'll give you jewelry and money too
That ain't all, that ain't all I'll do for you
Oh, if bring it to me
Bring your sweet loving
Bring it on home to me
Yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)
You know I'll always be your slave
'Till I'm buried, buried in my grave
Oh, honey bring it to me
Bring your sweet loving
Bring it on home to me
Yeah (yeah),…

Awwwww yeah he did!

Windfall

Arrival at Wyalusing State Park: Rear view

Thanksgiving. A day of gratitude.

Traditionally, it has been a tough day for me.

Not this year.

This year, I made homemade cranberry relish, put it on a couple of sandwiches, and had a picnic supper with my boyfriend at Wyalusing State Park.

I appreciate so many things about him, among them:

1) He is always game for an adventure, even when that means 1 hr 45 min in the car in both directions;

2) He makes me laugh: When I pulled him in to kiss him while we were getting ready to ride, he complied, laughing and saying "This looks like one of those obligatory makeout sessions with one shoe on." Yup. Pretty much.

3) He appreciates sunshine, the outdoors and physical activity at least as much as I do;

Soooo grateful to spend my turkey day with this sweet man!

4) He doesn't need a big meal with lots of people around a table because that's what other people do;

5) He gave me his old mountain bike when he got a new one and it's AWESOME;

6) When I ride up next to him he admires his old bike lovingly;

7) His taste in music, which includes this number that we listened to on the way home:

Beautiful day, Beautiful Spot, Beautiful Bikes, Beautiful Love

Now and then it keeps you running
It never seems to die
The trail's spent with fear
Not enough living on the outside
Never seem to get far enough
Staying in between the lines
Hold on to what you can
Waiting for the end
Not knowing when

May the wind take your troubles away
May the wind take your troubles away
Both feet on the floor, two hands on the wheel
May the wind take your troubles away

Trying to make it far enough, to the next time zone
Few and far between past the midnight hour
You never feel alone, you're really not alone

Switching it over to AM
Searching for a truer sound
Can't recall the call letters
Steel guitar and settle down

Catching an all-night station somewhere in Louisiana
It sounds like 1963, but for now it sounds like heaven
May the wind take your troubles away
May the wind take your troubles away
Both feet on the floor, two hands on the wheel
May the wind take your troubles away

May the wind take your troubles away
May the wind take your troubles away

Yeah.... the wind, years and years of therapy, loving and being loved by two amazing kids, my yoga practice, my friends, my own significant fortitude, and this incredible man of mine... have taken (most of) my troubles away...

Praying

Solo late Fall trip to Devil's Lake - so lovely!

I'm really digging this song right now. Like really digging it.

Maybe because I can so super relate to these words:

"Am I dead? Or is this one of those dreams? Those horrible dreams that seem like they last forever? If I am alive, why? Why? If there is a God or whatever, something, somewhere, why have I been abandoned by everyone and everything I've ever known? I've ever loved? Stranded. What is the lesson? What is the point? God, give me a sign, or I have to give up. I can't do this anymore. Please just let me die. Being alive hurts too much."

Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, and after everything you've done
I can thank you for how strong I have become

'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is I wish you farewell

Yep. All that.

I keep having dreams, sometimes terrible dreams. When this happens, I wake up in the middle of the night unable to get back to sleep. I startle at my boyfriend's touch. It's no fun at all.

But there's no other way for me than being awake and alive to all of it. Even though it is difficult for my children that I needed to wish my parents farewell.  I know in my heart and in body that it is the right thing for me.

And I know this, in part, because when I stopped being a part of their narrative, stopped holding on to their shame and taking care of their needs at my own expense, things changed for me. My body changed. The way I treat myself changed. The way I feel about what I went through changed. I lived for so many years with so much shame. When memories came up, I felt disgust. I felt shame. I felt I was wrong.

Now I often feel sad when these experiences come up, but never ashamed. I know that I was a child navigating my world to the best of my ability.

I also often feel fear. I hope someday I won't, that maybe I have to feel the fear I didn't let myself feel as a child, and then it'll be out of my body, out of my system. That's what I'm hoping.

Until then, I'm glad Kesha is here to sing some of my pain with me:

I hope you're somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

I'm proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come

'Cause I can make it on my own
And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known
I've been thrown out, I've been burned ([Live version:] I'll bring thunder, I'll bring rain)
When I'm finished, they won't even know your name

You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is I wish you farewell

I hope you're somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

Oh, sometimes, I pray for you at night
Oh, someday, maybe you'll see the light
Oh, some say, in life you gonna get what you give
But some things, only God can forgive

I hope you're somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

God knows that's how I've found a lot of mine...

Little Red Corvette

It was fittingly freezing for our U of M tour

Oh man, how I love Prince. And as I drove my firstborn up to the Twin Cities (my own place of birth), to tour the University of Minnesota, I was feeling a whole lotta things when this song came on the radio.

Most significantly: It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that it is here already -- the year I say goodbye to my firstborn, when he moves to a new city, when the time in our lives where we spend the bulk of it together is coming to an end.

I'm happy for him. He's looking forward to the next chapter. Ready to figure out what he wants to do with his life, to begin again in a new city.

I know that I will adjust. I always do. It's just going to be a monumental loss. Each life contains some of these, and I'm ok with that: it means I'm fully engaged in my life and my son is fully engaged in his. Wouldn't want it any other way.

So glad that I still have three more years with my daughter at home. So glad my man came back.

And always and forever, so, so glad, whenever Prince (RIP) fills the airwaves:

I guess I should've known by the way you parked your car sideways
That it wouldn't last
See, you're the kinda person that believes in makin' out once
Love 'em and leave 'em fast
I guess I must be dumb 'cuz you had a pocket full of horses
Trojan and some of them used

But it was Saturday night, I guess that makes it all right
And you say - "What have I got to lose?"

And honey, I say Little Red Corvette
Baby, you're much too fast (Oh)
Little Red Corvette
You need a love that's gonna last

I guess I should've closed my eyes when you drove me to the place

A little state park time on the way home!

Where your horses run free
Cuz I felt a little ill when I saw all the pictures
Of the jockeys that were there before me
Believe it or not, I started too worry
I wondered if I had enough class

But it was Saturday night, I guess that makes it all right
And you say - "Baby, have you got enough gas?"
Oh yeah!

Little Red Corvette
Baby, you're much too fast (Yes you are)
Little Red Corvette
You need to find a love that's gonna last (Oh, oh)

A body like yours oughta be in jail
Cuz it's on the verge of bein' obscene
Move over, baby, gimme the keys
I'm gonna try to tame your little red love machine

Little Red Corvette
Baby, you're much too fast
Little Red Corvette
Need to find a love that's gonna last, hey hey

Little Red Corvette
Honey, you got to slow down (Got to slow down)
Little Red Corvette
Cuz if you don't, you're gonna run your little red corvette right in the ground
(Little Red Corvette)
Right down to the ground (Honey, you got to slow down)
You, you, you got to slow down
(Little Red Corvette)
You're movin' much too fast, too fast
Need to find a love that's gonna last

Girl, you got an ass like I never seen, ow!
And the ride
I say the ride is so smooth, you must be a limousine
Ow!

Baby, you're much too fast
Little Red Corvette
You need a love, you need a love that's, uh, that's gonna last
(Little Red Corvette)

Babe, you got too slow down (you got too slow down)
Little Red Corvette
Cuz if you don't, cuz if you don't
You're gonna run your body right into the ground (Right into the ground)
Right into the ground (Right into the ground)
Right into the ground (Right into the ground)

Little red corvette!

Jesus Loves You

Rockin' the stage at The Majestic Theatre

The Old 97s were also fun to hear live -- and I think this was my favorite number:

Jesus loves you more than I do
Just because He doesn't know you
Not like I do

Jesus says you'll get salvation
If you just keep on waitin'
And readin' the same book
Over and over again

Well, you can talk to Him all night

My man and one of his four big sisters

But I'm right here
He makes wine from water
But I just bought you a beer

You say Jesus loves you
And I say what about me?
Maybe Jesus loves you
But where the hell is he?

He's got the power and the glory
He's got a pretty kick-ass story
And what do I got?
I got the hots for you

He's got the whole world in His hands
I've got a Lone Star in cans
And I'm bringin' one over to you
And I'm sittin' down next to you

I'm not discountin' the Sermon on the Mount
And oh, when I was little you know
They dunked me in the fountain
They told me I was born again
But since then I've been torn
And when I think about making love with you
I know it would be more than sin

I'm a real person
A real live person
You could do a whole lot worse than
Ending up with me then
Even though I'm a heathen
Not everybody out there is
Connecting like we've been

I'll take you to the river
Let me take you to the river
I will deliver you

Pray to Him all night
But I'm your man
He can walk on water
But I'll kiss you on the sand

You say Jesus loves you
And I say what about me?
Maybe Jesus loves you
But where the hell is he?

Jesus loves you more than I do
Just because He doesn't know you
Not like I do

Clever lyrics, right?

Everything I Had

One of my man's sisters came to visit today, and she's a big fan of live music and The Old 97s. She asked if we wanted to go to their concert on Sunday night.

Sunday night!? I thought, picturing my usual Sunday night in my yoga clothes/Pjs. I couldn't really even wrap my brain around going to a concert on a Sunday.

But I agreed, to be a good sport, and I am so glad I did.

As soon as this rockin' chick, Lilly Hiatt, came out on stage for the opening act and started to sing, I had no regrets:

Word on the street
You got yourself a new girl
I would’ve given anything
To light up your world

“You women go crazy”
That’s what you fuckers say
For loving someone the right way

Let me tell ya something
I’ve had it up to here with that

Cuz I gave you everything, everything that I had
I gave you everything, everything that I had

I’m the one getting angry
So the night’s on my back
But you’re saying nothing at all
So cut me some slack

I spent all those nights feeling so guilty
For letting you near the ugliest parts of me
I think it’s time I stop feeling stupid for that

Cuz I gave you everything, everything that I had
I gave you everything, everything that I had

I thought you called cuz you wanted to see me
You were just calling because I was easy
You know that I love you, how dare you do something like that

Cuz I gave you everything, everything that I had
I gave you everything, everything that I had

I was also super grateful to be standing side by side with the man I gave everything that I had, and then thought I lost.

So, so grateful...