I Hung My Head

Gonna miss this kid like crazy

You've got your man in black, and today, you've got your woman in black: me.

My baby left for college today, flying off to Seattle with his Dad.

This is one of those times I wish the world would just stop to accommodate the massive feelings I'm dealing with, but it doesn't.

Instead, I drive away, bawling my eyes out, comforted at least a little by this song on the radio, knowing that this suffering thing is not just mine, it's universal:

Early one morning
With time to kill
I borrowed Jebb's rifle
And sat on a hill
I saw a lone rider
Crossing the plain
I drew a bead on him
To practice my aim
My brother's rifle
Went off in my hand
A shot rang out
Across the land
The horse, he kept running
The rider was dead
I hung my head
I hung my head
I set off running
To wake from the dream
My brother's rifle
Went into the sheen
I kept on running
Into the south lands
That's where they found me
My head in my hands
The sheriff he asked me
Why had I run
And then it come to me
Just what I had done
And all for no reason
Just one piece of lead
I hung my head
I hung my head
Here in the court house
The whole town was there
I see the judge
High up in the chair
Explain to the court room
What went through your mind
And we'll ask the jury
What verdict they find
I felt the power
Of death over life
I orphaned his children
I widowed his wife
I begged their forgiveness
I wish I was dead
I hung my head
I hung my head
I hung my head
I hung my head
Early one morning
With time to kill
I see the gallows
Up on a hill
And out in the distance
A trick of the brain
I see a lone rider
Crossing the plain
And he'd come to fetch me
To see what they'd done
And we'll ride together
To kingdom come
I prayed for God's mercy
'Cause soon I'd be dead
I hung my head
I hung my head
I hung my head
I hung my head

It also managed to give me a little perspective: although I feel a tremendous sadness that this stage of my life is over -- the one in which I had both kids at home -- no one is dead, and my son is off to new adventures.

This is something to mourn and celebrate, not one or the other, and I'm gonna feel it all...

My Oh My

I've been listening to Brene Brown's Rising Strong in the car for the past few weeks. It's powerful, and it's speaking to me, as all of her books have.

The basic message is that we can't skip over the messy part. We can't just say that failure leads to growth without talking about what is required for that growth: the pain, the shame, the rumble as she calls it.

At one point she mentions this song as one that she listens to on repeat when she's in the hard part:

What on earth is going on in my heart?
Has it turned as cold as stone?
Seems these days I don't feel anything
‘Less it cuts me right down to the bone
What on earth is going on in my heart?

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on ‘til the end

My oh my

What on earth is going on in my head?
You know I used to be so sure
You know I used to be so definite
Thought I knew what love was for
I look around these days and I'm not so sure

My oh my, you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end

My oh my, you know I just can't win
I burn it down it comes right back again
What kinda world is this we're living in
Where you never win
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love these days
To keep your heart from freezing
To keep your spirit free
My oh my

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end

So. Much. Love.

Good thing we've all got an infinite supply...

I Am Mine

A little fanmail I found on the beach

Oh PJ. I love you so. And so do thousands of other people, most of them here in Seattle for a different reason than I am this week - to see this beloved band live.

I have a different mission: accompanying my eldest for registration and orientation for college. What a weird feeling it is to be here, at this point, and yet what a pleasure it is to accompany him to this incredible city to prepare for the next chapter of his life.

Each time we come to the Pacific Northwest, we discover a little bit more of it, and this time we got to visit a beautiful beach called Golden Gardens, within the city limits.

My son has loved the ocean his whole life, and now he gets to live in a place where it's just a few miles away, rather than halfway across the country. And I'm happy for him.

With friends at Golden Gardens

It was all Pearl Jam, all the time on the radio stations out here this week.

Here's one I heard that I'm less familiar with than the anthems from my college days:

The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind
North is to south what the clock is to time
There's east and there's west and there's everywhere life
I know I was born and I know that I'll die
The in between is mine
I am mine
And the feeling it gets left behind
All the innocence lost at one time
Significant behind the eyes
There's no need to hide
We're safe tonight
The ocean is full 'cause everyone's crying
The full moon is looking for friends at high tide
The sorrow grows bigger when the sorrow's denied
I only know my mind
I am mine
And the meaning it gets left behind
All the innocence lost at one time
Significance between the eyes
There's no need to hide
We're safe tonight
What
And the feelings that gets left behind
All the innocent broken with lies
Significance, between the lines
(We may need to hide)
And the meanings that get left behind
All the innocents lost at one time
We're all different behind the eyes
There's no need to hide

Yes, I am mine, and it's a good thing too -- because I'm losing one of the most grounding influences in my life: nearly daily physical contact with my firstborn. Because he's not mine, he's just mine to guide, and I'll have to do so from further away than I'd like, at least for a few years...

New Version of You

Savasanahhhhhhhhhhh

A few months ago, I joined Tantra, a wonderful yoga community led by a very talented teacher. And in that space, I've learned the value of rest.

Engaging in restorative postures over the past few months has helped me heal in ways I was never going to heal with vigorous activity, and I'm grateful for that.

One of the mindless shows I watch while doing chores, Felicity, changed its theme song part was through its life. When I heard this new one, I thought of the new version of me I've been cultivating at Tantra and beyond:

Can you become
Can you become
A new version of you
New wallpaper
New shoe leather
A new way home
I don't remember
New version of you
I need a new version of me
New version of you
I need a new version of me

Yes.

I can.

And I have...

Take On Me

Zoomed in to see the second percussionist from the right

What? Last concert of my son's high school career? How did this get here so fast?! I can't quite believe it. Band was his favorite part of high school, and watching him shine there has been a magical part of motherhood.

What an emotional night! Thank goodness one of the songs they played was an old fave:

We're talking away
I don't know what I'm to say
I'll say it anyway
Today's another day to find you
Shying away
I'll be coming for your love, OK?

Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day or two

So needless to say
Of odds and ends
But that's me stumbling away
Slowly learning that life is ok
Say after me
It's no better to be safe than sorry

Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day or two

Oh, things that you say
Is it a life or just to play my worries away
You're all the things I've got to remember
You're shying away
I'll be coming for you anyway

Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day or two
Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day

Nope, I'll still be here. He'll be gone soon, though, moving out to Seattle and I will miss him like crazy. Good thing his little sister is still here, and still in band, so I don't have to say goodbye to all of this for a few more years...

Radio King

It's hard to carry on a life, raising children, working outside the home, wanting to eat healthy, tasty food... It often feels like something has got to give - and sometimes what gives is spending time connecting with my man.

I heard him singing along to this song today in the kitchen - I'm not sure if it was the Golden Smog or the Jeff Tweedy version -- but it was definitely this song and super cute:

Let's go down, together
3 A. M tomorrow night
I'll take you over anything

Let's go out, together
Broad daylight in the street
I'll take you anywhere

Your music fills my car
Your voice breaks every time
I'm still wonderin'
If I know who you are
I hang on every line

Let's go down, together
Down by the old mainstream
I'll take you over anything

Let's go back in time
Nineteenfiftynine
I'll take you, Radio King

Your music fills my car
Your voice breaks every time
I'm still wonderin'
If I know who you are
I hang on every line

Sometimes we just need reminders that the person I'm bickering with in the kitchen is the one who would take me over anything, and vice versa. We gotta keep finding ways to ensure the romance isn't a casualty of a busy life...

Love My Way

We've been kinda making it a thing to hit the movies on Friday night -- at least while there are all these good movies to see. It's a good signal that it is the weekend -- not just another weeknight. Plus, these movies!

Call me by your name was also incredible, with an incredible soundtrack that included this song:

There's an army on the dance floor
It's a fashion with a gun, my love
In a room without a door
A kiss is not enough in

Love my way, it's a new road
I follow where my mind goes

They'd put us on a railroad
They'd dearly make us pay
For laughing in their faces and making it our way
There's emptiness behind their eyes
There's dust in all their hearts
They just want to steal us all and take us all apart
But not in

Love my way, it's a new road
I follow where my mind goes
Love my way, it's a new road
I follow where my mind goes

So swallow all your tears, my love
And put on your new face
You can never win or lose
If you don't run the race

I feel so lucky, when I watch a movie about a great love, and hear some characters in said movie talk about how they haven't had a great love and probably won't now, that I get to be with mine. It isn't easy, mind you, but it's so worth it...

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Aw oh, Aw oh, Aw oh
Aaaaaa, Aaaaaa, Aaaaaa, Aaaaaaa