Can I Sleep in Your Brain?

Gorgeous sunset in West Seattle

 Super weird song title, am I right?

I heard this song for the first time while out in Washington with my boyfriend, visiting my son, and thought it was weirdly cool:

Can I sleep in your brain tonight, stranger?
Can I rest my bones in your head?
I won't make too much noise
While I stay here
I just need some kind of shelter

Anywhere I try to go
I'm still stuck in my own skull
And lately
That's no kind of place to call home
All the walls are falling down
Garbage lying all around
Is there maybe room

My college student skiing in the mountains!

In your temporal lobe?

Can I sleep in your brain tonight, stranger?
Can I spend one night on your mind?
I can't live with this pain
With this anger
And I need someplace else to go

I wanna sleep in your brain
I wanna wake you up early
I wanna make you black coffee if
You like. (Yeah.)

I'll do whatever's required of me
To have the roof of your brain
Above me. I've got nowhere else I
Can stay tonight

Can I sleep in your brain?

My man and I pretending we live in Magnolia

We had a pretty great trip all things considered. There was super awesome snow in the mountains, which made my man happy.

I got to see my kid, so that made me happy.

We didn't sleep in anyone's brain, but we did sleep at the houses of two different friends, enjoying deluxe accommodations for zero dollars. That was awesome.

I went to yoga practice with the incomparable Troy Lucero five days in a row which was awesome AND helped me shift the shame cloud that had been hanging over me after acting like a human battering ram during the trip out.

I don't know what gets into me. I just get so agitated when I travel, and it comes out in not pleasant for me or the people around me ways.

It makes me feel like I need someplace else to go, or someone else to be, and my practice brings me right back to the knowledge that I am exactly where and who I need to be...

Just a Friend

I had a terrible dream last night. I dreamt that my son was trying to climb out of the water and an alligator had a hold of his ankle and was pulling him back in.

It was one of those where I could easily trace the origin of it -- my son had reported that there has been a bunch of violence in Seattle on or near campus recently, I'd just seen an episode of Atlanta with an alligator in it, and my kids got attacked by otters in a lake 7 or 8 years ago (bizarre but true, I even blogged about it here).

Of course, the fact that I understood it didn't make it any less disturbing. Ain't that always the way? I feel like it is. I had a rough week. I got triggered. I understood what was happening but it didn't really make it any easier to deal with it -- at least, I don't think it did. Maybe the awareness is in some way helpful - no, I'm sure it is -- but my point is that it is no less painful.

In addition to characters with pet alligators, Atlanta has a sweet soundtrack that includes happy blasts from the past like this song:

Have you ever met a girl that you tried to date
But a year to make love, she wanted you to wait?
Let me tell ya a story of my situation
I was talkin' to this girl from the U.S. nation
The way that I met her was on tour at a concert
She had long hair and a short miniskirt
I just got onstage drippin', pourin' with sweat
I was walkin' through the crowd and guess who I met
I whispered in her ear, 'Come to the picture booth
So I can ask you some questions to see if you are a hundred proof'
I asked her her name, she said 'blah-blah-blah'
She had 9/10 pants and a very big bra
I took a couple of flicks and she was enthused
I said, 'How do you like the show?'
she said, 'I was very amused'
I started throwin' bass, she started throwin' back mid-range
But when I sprung the question, she acted kind of strange
Then when I asked, 'Do ya have a man?' she tried to pretend
She said, 'No I don't, I only have a friend'
Come on, I'm not even goin' for it
This is what I'm goin' sing
You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
And you say he's just a friend, oh baby
You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend, oh baby
You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend
So I took blah-blah's word for it at this time
I thought just havin' a friend couldn't be no crime
'Cause I have friends and that's a fact
Like Agnes, Agatha, Germaine, and Jacq
Forget about that, let's go into the story
About a girl named blah-blah-blah that adored me
So we started talkin', getttin' familiar
Spendin' a lot of time so we can build up
A relationship or some understanding
How it's gonna be in the future we was plannin'
Everything sounded so dandy and sweet
I had no idea I was in for a treat
After this was established, everything was cool
The tour was over and she went back to school
I called every day to see how she was doin'
Everytime that I called her it seemed somethin' was brewin'
I called her room, a guy picked up, and then I called again
I said, 'Yo, who was that?' 'Oh, he's just a friend'
Don't gimme that, don't ever gimme that
Jus' bust this
You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
And you say he's just a friend, oh baby
You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend, oh baby
You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend
But you say he's just a friend
So I came to her college on a surprise visit
To see my girl that was so exquisite
It was a school day, I knew she was there
The first semester of the school year
I went to a gate to ask where was her dorm
This guy made me fill out a visitor's form
He told me where it was and I was on my way
To see my baby doll, I was happy to say
I arrived in front of the dormitory
'Yo, could you tell me where is door three?'
They showed me where it was for the moment
I didn't know I was in for such an event
So I came to her room and opened the door
Oh, snap! Guess what I saw?
A fella tongue-kissin' my girl in the mouth,
I was so in shock my heart went down south
So please listen to the message that I send
Don't ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend
ayyy boi

You got what I need...

Baby You Can Drive My Car

We picked up my new car on Thursday, and I am lovin' it. I wasn't expecting to say goodbye to my car when I did -- but it seems the fender bender on December 23 caused more damage than the old girl was worth.

Lucky for me and for my family, the Universe came through big time with a new Volvo XC station wagon. When I say new, I mean 2008 -- yup, it's 10 years old -- but it's new to me, and it causes the internal jukebox to play sweet songs like this one as I happily drive down the snowy streets of Madison:

Asked a girl what she wanted to be
She said baby, can't you see
I want to be famous, a star on the screen
But you can do something in between
Baby you can drive my car
Yes I'm gonna be a star
Baby you can drive my car
And maybe I'll love you

My mini-me taking the wheel

I told a girl that my prospects were good
And she said baby, it's understood
Working for peanuts is all very fine
But I can show you a better time
Baby you can drive my car
Yes I'm gonna be a star
Baby you can drive my car
And maybe I'll love you
Beep beep'm beep beep yeah
Baby you can drive my car
Yes I'm gonna be a star
Baby you can drive my car
And maybe I'll love you
I told a girl I can start right away
And she said listen babe I got something to say
I got no car and it's breaking my heart
But I've found a driver and that's a start
Baby you can drive my car
Yes I'm gonna be a star
Baby you can drive my car
And maybe I'll love you
Beep beep'm beep beep yeah
Beep beep'm beep beep yeah
Beep beep'm beep beep yeah
Beep beep'm beep beep yeah

This song is appropriate in more ways than one since my youngest child can indeed now drive my car...

Dressed For Success

Doesn't show off the outfit, but these are some powerful peeps!

It has been a big week preparing to welcome a major scholar and contributor to the civil rights movement to Madison.

This morning when I was getting ready, this song popped into my head:

Tried to make it little by little
Tried to make it bit by bit on my own.
Quit the job, the grey believers
Another town where I get close to the bone.
Whatcha gonna tell your brother?
Oh oh oh
Whatcha gonna tell your father?
I don't know!
Whatcha gonna tell your mother?
Let me go...
I'm gonna get dressed for success
Shaping me up for the big time, baby.
Get dressed for success
Shaping it up for your love yea yea yea.
I'm not afraid
A trembling flower
I'll feed your heart
And blow the dust from your eyes and
In the dark things happen faster.
I love the way you sway your hips next to mine.
I'm gonna get dressed for success
Hitting a spot for the big time, baby.
Get dressed for success
Shaping it up for your love. Look sharp!

And as usual, I was grateful for the company of my inner ipod as I did my best to dress for success today...

Homecoming

Me out enjoying the change in the weather

This beautiful song was playing in the background on Billions the other day, and it spoke to me:

I feel a change in the weather
I feel a change in me
The days are getting shorter and the birds begin to leave
Even me, yes, yes, y'all
Who has been so long alone
I'm headed home
Headed home
The nights are getting colder now
And the air is getting crisp
I first tasted the universe on a night like this
A box of wine, and I'll abide
In the hunger in her eyes
In a place where the tree of good and evil still resides
Still resides
Homecoming
Homecoming, homecoming
She said show me what you got, babe
I'm not like other girls
Just give me your bad self
And a place for us to make a stand and I can move the world
Lift the valley from the floor, honey
It'll turn to the sky
They'll say that it's a miracle and you'll know damn well they're right
Damn well they're right
Homecoming now (don't go away now)
Homecoming, homecoming (don't go away now)
Homecoming now (don't go away now)
Homecoming, homecoming (don't go away now)
When the oracle spoke to me she was like a roadside song (don't go away now)
Do unto others as you would have them do
Even if in turn they do you wrong (hey now)
This town right here is my everything
Though I've been torn away (don't go away now)
It has my heart
It has my heart
They stole my heart
My heart is there (hey now)
My heart is there
My heart is there, my heart is there (don't go away now)
Get just a little bit high
Get a little tongue tied
Gonna try to find whatever ever made time
That kind of immemorial
That time before the fall, yeah
That time before the autumn
Really turned the corner
Drive east of Eden
Till we start to feel the west
We were never far from nowhere
You could see it from the edge of town
Honey, baby, wonder how it feel now
Somehow I can't believe that it could feel like the before, but
The air's getting colder now
The nights are getting crisp
I first tasted the universe on a night like this
And I'll abide a box of wine
And the hunger in her eyes
In a place where the tree of good and evil still resides
Homecoming
Homecoming, homecoming (homecoming)
Homecoming
Homecoming, homecoming (homecoming)
Homecoming
Homecoming, homecoming (don't go away now)
Homecoming (don't go away now)
Homecoming, homecoming
Homecoming
Homecoming, homecoming

I do indeed feel a change in the weather, inside and outside.

Outside, winter is really setting in. It's colder. And snowier.

Inside, there's more movement. And more flexibility.

And I'm so grateful...

Alaska

View of Lake Superior from the top of Mount Bohemia

It took soooo long to get there. To the Keweenaw Penninsula in Upper Michigan, yeah, that's a long ass drive. But I mean here, to the point where I'd had enough of a break from work and practice and enough time to recover that I felt game for 13 hours in the car for a single weekend devoted to facilitating my man's access to one of his greatest passions: Alpine skiing.

A very happy man

It wasn't easy. Day one's drive went smoothly, but day two, which took us the last 45 miles, was for some reason a trigger for me. I couldn't watch as we drove, I felt scared to death, literally: our impending death felt imminent. That probably sounds dramatic, and it was. I squeezed my eyes shut, tears falling down my face, and then finally managed to muster up the courage to tell my man what was going on. I always fear, when I let him into these spaces, that doing so will cause him to spin out, but I didn't want to be alone with it, either.

Not surprisingly, when we got to Mount Bohemia, I wasn't in a great frame of mind (or body), and being at a ski area where 80% of the runs are way beyond my ability didn't feel great. So I took a few spins down the one manageable blue run and then camped out in the lodge with a book, which felt a lot better than continuing to ski.

To my man's credit, he didn't get triggered. He didn't worry too much about the fact that I wasn't in a great space to enjoy the mountain. He did his thing. I was proud of us for this -- managing to each take care of our own needs.

And then he suggested we bail and go Nordic skiing, during which my mood, and my experience on the trip, turned to experiencing the glory of winter for myself. The snow! The sky! The lake! So, so beautiful.

On Day 3, we returned to Mount Bohemia, and this time I was up to the task of working on my form and skiing in the trees, which was pretty darn magical, if a little bit scary.

This morning on NPR, I heard a story about Maggie Rogers, and about this song in particular, which feels apropos of this journey, both to the U.P.  and to these places within ourselves and each other:

I was walking through icy streams
That took my breath away
Moving slowly through westward water
Over glacial plains
And I walked off you
And I walked off an old me
Oh me oh my I thought it was a dream
So it seemed
And now, breathe deep
I'm inhaling
You and I, there's air in between
Leave me be
I'm exhaling
You and I, there's air in between
You and I, there's air in between
Cut my hair so I could rock back and forth
Without thinking of you
Learned to talk and say
Whatever I wanted to
And I walked off you
And I walked off an old me
Oh me oh my I thought it was a dream
So it seemed
And now, breathe deep
I'm inhaling
You and I, there's air in between
Leave me be
I'm exhaling
You and I, there's air in between
You and I, there's air in between
You and I, there's air in between

Yep, there is. Just enough...

Jesus, etc.

A photo of one of said holidays - dang my Grandpa was sad!

I've always wished I was one of those people for whom holidays were joyous occasions to get together with loving relatives who bring out the best in each other. I try not to wish things had been different, but sometimes I'm guilty of doing just that. I think we all are.

Luckily, I have managed to create a peaceful loving home with my little family of four.


But growing up, holidays were confusing. They were a time when the stark contrast between how I felt on the inside and how things looked on the outside was greatest, making them extremely difficult for me.

We now know, as I've written about before, that the body holds on to feelings that it wasn't able to feel at the time. We don't get to control when they come out. There are some very effective means of keeping them in -- drinking alcohol is one that my family seems to prefer most -- but the problem with that method is the old feelings then continue to get held in the body, weighing everything down.

I've been working hard over the last decade or so - so very hard - to understand, to release, to accept, to forgive, to witness, to share - my own experience, and this has meant making the decision to feel.

The cousin joy I desperately want to facilitate

On Friday, December 21, a few days before Christmas, I went to see one of my bodyworkers. I have been working with him for close to 10 years - -he has been helping my skeleton find its way back to it's natural, more mobile state. For the first time, he worked extensively with my pubic bone and pelvis, a place where I've stored a lot of trauma. I recount this because I think it's related to the events of December 23.

I made a plan for the four of us to go skiing at Cascade and stay overnight at an Air Bnb in Montello with my sister and her family. I love my sister and her children, and a big part of me wanted to go.

Another part started to make her needs known the day before: I started feeling triggered. By now I know the signs that I'm under the spell of my PTSD: I was hypervigilant, I was nervous, I was irritable, I was angry, I couldn't sleep, I wanted to drink to forget. But I didn't listen. I overrode those feelings, and I pressed on with the plan.

I will never ignore them again.

Because what transpired on Sunday, December 23, on the way to skiing with my sister's family, was so awful, so beyond my control, and so traumatizing for my own children that I never, ever want to go there again.

I can recount what happened, but I'm not sure it will help anyone understand it. I was stopped at a point in the journey where I wasn't sure which way to go. I consulted Google Maps, and it failed to help me determine which way to turn.

And then I lost it. Like, lost it like I never have before. I screamed. My son tried to tell me I could go either way. I screamed louder. Everything that either of my children said made it worse. I continued to drive while both children were in tears, begging me to let my daughter drive instead. I simply could not cede the little bit of control I had left. In those moments, my children did not feel like my children, and I did not feel like myself. I was not in my body.

Such a strong, resilient kid I've got, and a ski lover to boot

I feel so much regret that they had to see me that way. I wish it hadn't happened like that. But now they know why I'm still in therapy. And now when I say to them, as I have, "I never wanted you to experience having an out-of-control parent the way I did as a child," they know more about what my experience was like. Maybe they needed to know more? I don't know. God knows I wish I could have spared them. I certainly understand more about what those moments were like for my parents, especially my mother, and I'm grateful for that too.

Most of all, I'm profoundly grateful that no one was physically injured. I'm also grateful for my therapist, who said to me "Yes, you went off the rails, and you needed to get off those rails." Another of my healers - a neurovascular therapist described that my insides after that event were "a whole new landscape" - that before, everything I felt was tamped down, and then the gasket blew. My yoga teacher asked me what I needed in that moment in the car, and when I said I didn't know, she said she thought I needed help. I began to sob. Yes, that makes sense. It makes perfect sense that the help I couldn't ask for and never received as a child was the need I so desperately felt and was finally able to express, albeit more crudely than I would have liked.

Phew. So what does this song have to do with all of this? A couple of things. One, I know that my children and I are protected by forces beyond anything we can understand rationally, by Jesus, Etc., and for this I am incredibly grateful.

Two, there are parts of me that are similar to my parents that I haven't felt the need to fight against in the same way. One of these is my love for TV. One of my new shows is Billions. It's sooooo good.

And on a recent episode, two of my favorite characters were discussing this song:

My treasured musicians, the day after

Jesus, don't cry
You can rely on me honey
You can combine anything you want
I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

Don't cry
You can rely on me honey
You can come by any time you want
I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

It does't exactly retell the story of December 23, but it kinda does...