Love Yourself

An amazing tree at a Houston school

So there are a lot of great things about Houston, but the highways, the traffic -- they're not on the list. But this morning, in an effort to get my beloved Ashtanga practice in, I decided to brave them.

And I made it, to practice, but what I didn't manage to do was change the channel when this song came on as I always do when I'm maneuvering the mean streets of Madison:

For all the times that you rain on my parade
And all the clubs you get in using my name
You think you broke my heart, oh, girl for goodness' sake
You think I'm crying on my own. Well, I ain't

And I didn't wanna write a song
'Cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care. I don't,
But you still hit my phone up
And, baby, I be movin' on
And I think you should be somethin' I don't wanna hold back,
Maybe you should know that

My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job,
Didn't see what's going on
But now I know,
I'm better sleeping on my own

'Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh, baby, you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself

And when you told me that you hated my friends
The only problem was with you and not them
And every time you told me my opinion was wrong
And tried to make me forget where I came from

And I didn't wanna write a song
'Cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care. I don't,
But you still hit my phone up
And, baby, I be movin' on
And I think you should be somethin' I don't wanna hold back,
Maybe you should know that

My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job,
Didn't see what's going on
But now I know,
I'm better sleeping on my own

'Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh, baby, you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself

For all the times that you made me feel small
I fell in love. Now I feel nothin' at all
And never felt so low when I was vulnerable
Was I a fool to let you break down my walls?

Perhaps I'm being too harsh. It's not such a terrible song. And if you want my advice, Mr. Bieber, no, you were not a fool to allow your walls to be broken down. That's the good that comes out of relationships, even those that end -- at least if we manage not to put them back up again...

Send My Love

The beauty who sings this song was profiled in one of the magazines I had the luxury of reading on today's flight to Houston:

This was all you, none of it me
You put your hands on, on my body and told me
Mmm
You told me you were ready
For the big one, for the big jump
I'd be your last love everlasting you and me
Mmm
That was what you told me

I'm giving you up
I've forgiven it all
You set me free-ee

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We've gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more

I was too strong you were trembling
You couldn't handle the hot heat rising (rising)
Mmm
Baby I'm still rising
I was running, you were walking
You couldn't keep up, you were falling down (down)
Mmm
Mmm there's only one way down

I'm giving you up
I've forgiven it all
You set me free-ee, oh

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We've gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more

If you're ready, if you're ready
If you're ready, I am ready
If you're ready, if you're ready
We both know we ain't kids no more
No, we ain't kids no more

I'm giving you up
I've forgiven it all
You set me free

I think I can honestly say that this true for me: that I'm giving up the ghosts of the past, that I've forgiven myself and the New Englander for our failures, and that I'm ready to see myself as free rather than abandoned or left or grieving.

I don't know what's in store for either one of us, but like Adele, I'm wishing us both well along with any new lovers that come our way:

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We've gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more

No we ain't...

I See Fire

I finally decided to restart my subscription to the New Yorker. I let it lapse because I was overwhelmed by the issues arriving weekly, and also because, as brave as I was trying to be reading the fiction to myself, it was still breaking my heart a little bit because I used to always read it with the New Englander.

I'm not sure exactly what made me turn the corner, but turn the corner I did. And in today's digital world, as soon as I finished subscribing the issue was waiting for me on my ipad.

One of the things I like about that magazine is that I learn about books and movies and music that I wouldn't otherwise learn about -- like this remix of an Ed Sheeran song by Kygo:

Oh, misty eye of the mountain below
Keep careful watch of my brothers' souls
And should the sky be filled with fire and smoke
Keep watching over Durin's sons

If this is to end in fire
Then we should all burn together
Watch the flames climb high into the night

Calling out father oh
Stand by and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side

And if we should die tonight
Then we should all die together
Raise a glass of wine for the last time

Calling out father oh
Prepare as we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
Desolation comes upon the sky

Now I see fire
Inside the mountain
I see fire
Burning the trees
And I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze
And I hope that you remember me

Oh, should my people fall
Then surely I'll do the same
Confined in mountain halls
We got too close to the flame

Calling out father oh
Hold fast and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
Desolation comes upon the sky

Now I see fire
Inside the mountain
I see fire
Burning the trees
I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze
And I hope that you remember me

And if the night is burning
I will cover my eyes
For if the dark returns
Then my brothers will die
And as the sky is falling down
It crashed into this lonely town
And with that shadow upon the ground
I hear my people screaming out

Now I see fire
Inside the mountains
I see fire
Burning the trees
I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze

I see fire (oh you know I saw a city burning out) (fire)
And I see fire (feel the heat upon my skin, yeah) (fire)
And I see fire (uh-uh-uh-uh) (fire)
And I see fire burn auburn on the mountain side

Granted, when I read about it, I did not realize it was a song from one of the Hobbit films, but there you go.

Oh, and I haven't managed to tackle the fiction yet, but I will. I met someone on Tinder recently who was surprised to find that I am both a mountain biker and a New Yorker subscriber -- yep, I said, all in one package. Then he seems to have disappeared, as so many do on that silly dating app that at least for now qualifies as the least egregious of the online dating choices out there!

Everything I Own

This morning on Facebook I happened to see one of those posts that keep me checking Facebook in spite of the fact that I view it, for the most part, as a not very constructive use of my time.

It was posted by someone I never knew well in person -- he was my sister's age (a senior when I was a freshman) -- and I moved with my parents halfway through my freshman year in high school (my sister stayed behind).

He's a musician, and a music editor, and the post today was about working with Jimmy Griffin, from Bread, in the 18 months before he died of cancer.

It was beautiful, and it warmed my heart and made me feel sad all at the same time, just like this song:

You sheltered me from harm

Kept me warm, kept me warm

You gave my life to me

Set me free, set me free

The finest years I ever knew

Were all the years I had with you

And I would give anything I own

Give up my life, my heart, my home

I would give everything I own

Just to have you back again

You taught me how to love

What it's of, what it's of

You never said too much 

But still you showed the way

And I knew from watching you

Nobody else could ever know

The part of me that can't let go

Good thing I've turned a corner in my own grief over losing the man who taught me to love, and taught me what it's of. Good thing I'm so brave. Good thing I can let myself feel what I still inevitably feel when I hear a song like this, a deep wave of sadness, but not let myself get knocked down by it, or feel like I have to stay out of the ocean altogether, as I had been.

Because my friends, feelings aren't facts. So I know that although when I hear lyrics like this, and they feel like the truest thing I've ever known:

And I would give anything I own

Give up my life, my heart, my home

I would give everything I own

Just to have you back again

I know that they are in fact not true for me. I would have given a lot -- I still would -- but not my life, not my heart, and not, at least while my children need it as shelter -- my home.

But I'm going to join with Jimmy on this next verse to say don't, don't, don't take it for granted when you find a great love, 'cause you may lose them one day, and that'll suck:

Is there someone you know

You're loving them so

But taking them all for granted

You may lose them one day

Someone takes them away

And they don't hear the words you long to say

At least for a while. And then you'll turn the corner, as I am, and you will open yourself up for -- as scary as it may be -- finding that kind of love again, with someone new:

I would give anything I own

Give up my life, my heart, my home

I would give everything I own

Just to have you back again

Just to touch you once again

For the Longest Time

Heard this song on my run around the Arboretum yesterday:

Woah, oh, oh
For the longest time
Woah, oh, oh
For the longest
If you said goodbye to me tonight
There would still be music left to write
What else could I do
I'm so inspired by you
That hasn't happened for the longest time

And that last line, in particular really resonated.

It has been such a long time:

Once I thought my innocence was gone
Now I know that happiness goes on
That's where you found me
When you put your arms around me
I haven't been there for the longest time

Woah, oh, oh
For the longest time
Woah, oh, oh
For the longest
I'm that voice you're hearing in the hall
And the greatest miracle of all
Is how I need you
And how you needed me too
That hasn't happened for the longest time

No, it hasn't.

Time to press the reset button Universe, and let it happen again:

Maybe this won't last very long
But you feel so right
And I could be wrong
Maybe I've been hoping too hard
But I've gone this far
And it's more than I hoped for

Yes please.

Send me someone who feels so right, someone who is more than I hoped for:

Who knows how much further we'll go on
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone
I'll take my chances
I forgot how nice romance is
I haven't been there for the longest time
I had second thoughts at the start
I said to myself
Hold on to your heart
Now I know the woman that you are
You're wonderful so far
And it's more than I hoped for

I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad
I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for
The longest time

Yes I do, whoever you are!

Unthinkable

When I awoke this morning -- I got to sleep in because my practice partner canceled -- these lyrics were floating through my head:

I'm ready
I'm ready

I wasn't really sure to which song they belonged, but this is my best guess:

Moment of honesty
Someone's gotta take the lead tonight
Who's it gonna be?
I'm gonna sit right here
And tell you all that comes to me
If you have something to say
You should say it right now

You give me a feeling that I never felt before
And I deserve it, I think I deserve it
It's becoming something that's impossible to ignore
And I can't take it
I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
If you ask me I'm ready
If you ask me I'm ready

And let me tell you, I am loving it that my subconscious is feeling like I'm ready:

I know you said to me
"This is exactly how it should feel when its meant to be"
Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually
If we gonna do something 'bout it
We should do it right now
(We should do it right now)

That's what I'm saying, Universe -- let's get on with it:

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
Or would it be so beautiful either way I'm sayin'
If you ask me I'm ready
If you ask me I'm ready
If you ask me I'm ready
If you ask me I'm ready

I feel ready. I really do...

Life After You

Yesterday something shifted inside me. It's something that has been shifting for a long time, but there was a finality yesterday, a willingness to let go, that I haven't felt before.

It was in some ways a continuation of what I wrote about a couple of days ago -- the rewriting of many, many love songs I hear all the time about NOT letting go when heartbroken about a lost love. They've been my theme song for a long time now, and it's time for that to change.

I think a bunch of things have kept me from moving on, some of which are:

1) A feeling that it's up to me to care for the New Englander, and if I don't do it, no one else will. This is of course the deeply flawed logic of the heart talking, especially since me caring for him didn't change his deep emotional wounds before and it isn't going to work now. I know that he needs to care for himself, and call on his own higher power, and I know now that I can hand that off to my idea of a higher power and greatly increase the odds that he will heal for reals.

2) A feeling that I don't want anything I say or do to deter him from potentially coming back/us getting back together someday. I finally realized that if that were to happen, it would not have anything to do with anything that I am, do or say, and everything to do with his own sense of wholeness, personal agency and worthiness. I don't have that much control, and I'm ready to let go of the thought that I need to do anything, or stop doing anything, in order for that to happen. If it happens, it won't be because of me or my actions, but because things have changed on his end.

3) I just really f*#%ing love him.

Nothing I can do about that last one, and it's time for me to accept that loving him does not mean we'll ever get back together any more than it precludes me from loving someone else.

This year, starting on this first day of the third month, I begin life after the New Englander. It's time. I need to let in all the love around me and stop living in the past.

So Daughtry, while your song title is apropos, I gotta beg to differ with the lyrics of the song I'm choosing to mark this day:

Ten miles from town and I just broke down
Spittin' out smoke on the side of the road
I'm out here alone just tryin' to get home
To tell you I was wrong but you already know
Believe me I won't stop at nothin'
To see you so I've started runnin'

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

Yessir, I'm after a life full of laughter, but I no longer think it has to be with a particular person. I'm leaving it wide open now, which I have a funny feeling is going to lead to a much more satisfying outcome.

That's right, Universe, I know there IS life after him.

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
Without you God knows what I'd do

Truer words were never spoken/written: Only god knows what I'd do without him, but I am looking forward to being let in on the secret and I am ready for life after him to begin!