Friday, January 26, 2018

South of Heaven

Straight off the set of a Wes Anderson movie!
Tonight we got to witness our friend get married in a way that was very personal and beautiful.

The processional was to this Slayer song, yep, that's right, a Slayer song, albeit being performed by Vitamin String Quartet:

An unforeseen future nestled somewhere in time.
Unsuspecting victims no warnings, no signs.
Judgment day the second coming arrives.
Before you see the light you must die.
Forgotten children, conform a new faith,
Avidity and lust controlled by hate.
[The] Never ending search for your shattered sanity,
Souls of Damnation in their own reality.
Chaos rampant,
An age of distrust.
Confrontations.
Impulsive habitat.
Bastard sons beget your cunting daughters,
Promiscuous mothers with your incestuous fathers.
Engreat souls condemned for all eternity,
Sustained by immoral observance a domineering deity.
Chaos rampant,
An age of distrust.
Confrontations.
Impulsive sabbath.
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
The root of all evil is the heart of a black soul.
A force that has lived all eternity.
A never ending search for a truth never told.
The loss of all hope and your dignity.
Chaos rampant,
An age of distrust.
Confrontations.
Impulsive habitat.
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven

Not the most uplifting lyrics, mind you.

And the bride dropped a couple of F-bombs during the ceremony. My kids both looked at me in those moments. Authenticity, I reminded them when we talked about it afterward. Authenticity is more important than convention...

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Workin' for the Weekend

Here's another classic that's been on repeat for me ever since the road trip, thanks to The Big Cheese, our favorite Wausau area radio station:

Everyone's watching to see what you will do
Everyone's looking at you, oh
Everyone's wondering will you come out tonight
Everyone's trying to get it right, get it right

Everybody's working for the weekend
Everybody wants a new romance
Everybody's going off the deep end
Everybody needs a second chance, oh

You want a piece of my heart?
You better start from the start
You want to be in the show?
C'mon baby, let's go

Everyone's looking to see if it was you
Everyone wants you to come through
Everyone's hoping it'll all work out
Everyone's waiting to hold you out

Everybody's working for the weekend
Everybody wants a new romance, hey yeah
Everybody's going off the deep end
Everybody needs a second chance, oh

I've always resisted the notion of working for the weekend, but man, a long weekend getaway sure reminds one of how powerful the pull of the weekend is!

Monday, January 1, 2018

Love Walks In

So nice ringing in the New Year in a winter wonderland!
Here's one of the many classic tunes we heard en route to the U.P. and back this holiday weekend:

Contact is all it takes
To change your life to lose your place in time
Contact! Asleep or awake
Coming around you may wake up to find
Questions deep within your eyes,
Things you've never realized

So when you sense a change
Nothing feels the same
All your dreams are strange, love comes walkin' in
Some kind of alien
Wait for the opening
Then simply pulls a string
Another world, some other time
You lay your sanity on the line
Familiar faces familiar sights
Reach back remember with all your might
Ohh there she stands in a silken gown
Silver lights shining down

Love comes walkin' in

Sleep and dream is all I crave
I travel far across the Milky Way
To my master I become a slave
Til we meet again some other day
Where silence speaks as loud as war
And the earth returns to what it was before

Love comes walkin' in

Yes it does - and it changes everything!

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Fantasy

Here we are -- Christmas 2017


This song has been on repeat for me this holiday season:

Oh, when you walk by every night
Talking sweet and looking fine
I get kind of hectic inside
Oh, baby, I'm so into you
Darling if you only knew
All the things that flow through my mind

But it's just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby
When I close my eyes you come and take me
On and on and on, it's so deep in my daydreams
But it's just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby (fantasy)
(And I want you so bad)

Images of rapture
Creep into me slowly
As you're going to my head
And my heart beats faster
When you take me over
Time and time and time again

But it's just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby
When I close my eyes you come and take me
On and on and on, it's so deep in my daydreams
But it's just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby
It's just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby
When I close my eyes you come and take me
On and on and on, it's so deep in my daydreams
But it's just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby

I'm happy to say that this year, it's not just a sweet, sweet fantasy baby -- my man really is here with us, celebrating the season - and I'm so grateful!



Sunday, December 17, 2017

Stones in My Pocket

Heard this song today:

I've got stones in my pocket
No feathers in my bed
I see the road and I'm walking
But my legs are made of lead

Oh save me
Won't you save me from my ways
Save me won't you save me from my ways
'Cause the only way I know how to live...
The only way I know is killing me

I've been climbing that high mountain
Slide back down everyday
I've been drinking from the fountain
But I'm thirsty anyway

Oh save me
Won't you save me from my ways
Save me won't you save me from my ways
'Cause the only way I know how to live...
The only way I know is killing me

I said never but I did it
What I thought I'd never do
I took a stone from my pocket
And I threw it right at you

Oh save me
Won't you save me from my ways
Save me won't you save me from my ways
'Cause the only way I know how to live...
The only way I know is killing you
Now the only way I know is killing me

And I thought of something a friend told me a long time ago. She said that for her, going to therapy is like taking stones out of your pocket that you didn't know you were carrying around. You just start to feel lighter.

I agree -- and I am extremely fortunate to have such a competent, compassionate therapist, because I sure need one!

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Everybody's got to learn sometime

I went to a beautiful yoga class this morning, and it included this beautiful song:

Change your heart, look around you
Change your heart, it will astound you
I need your lovin' like the sunshine
Everybody's got to learn sometime
Everybody's got to learn sometime
Everybody's got to learn sometime
Change your heart, look around you
Change your heart, will astound you
I need your lovin' like the sunshine
Everybody's got to learn sometime
Everybody's got to learn sometime
Everybody's got to learn sometime
I need your lovin' like the sunshine
Everybody's got to learn sometime
Everybody's got to learn sometime

The teacher talked about the heart being the master - that it is meant to be the master - and that we all need to learn this sometime.

I learned this when I decided to follow my heart when it comes to this guy:

All decked out in our ugly sweaters for his holiday partay
It would've been easier, at a number of points along the way, to argue with my heart. It didn't seem like he was coming back. It seemed like maybe my heart was wrong about him, about us. But I trusted it all through the pain of our separation.

Turns out, it was absolutely spot on. He loves me, and I him. And HE'S HERE.

So grateful that this was my lesson, 'cause I DO need his lovin' like the sunshine!

Friday, December 8, 2017

Shame On You

This woman was forever changed as of 11/9/16
I read a great Op-ed today by Michelle Goldberg about why Franken is stepping down while Trump stays in office.

It had a lot of powerful lines, among them:

1) "A great many liberal women were forever changed when they saw the grotesque beauty pageant impresario defeat the first female major-party candidate for president."

2) "As Susan Fowler, a former engineer at Uber who exposed a pervasive culture of sexual harassment at that company, told Time: “When Trump won the election, I felt a crushing sense of powerlessness. And then I realized that I had to do something.”

3) "But ultimately, the cultural currency of the #MeToo movement is not a substitute for political power. The incendiary rage unleashed by Trump’s election needs to be directed back at him. Otherwise, only those who already advocate women’s equality will be forced to grant it."

Yup, yup and yup, and on that last one: even when they do, like Al Franken, they'll do it by not admitting that what they did was wrong. So. Disappointing.

My own biggest revelation about the #metoo movement is that only certain stories make it onto Facebook. They are the catcalled, the groped, the date raped. These stories are valid and important, but they are not all inclusive of the ways in which sexual harassment and assault affect people's lives. There are still some stories that remain largely hidden, and the cost of that is quite high: children growing up with their sense of selves, their sense of love, their sense of intimacy, their sense of sexuality compromised.

This song came to me head while contemplating all of this. It's one that I heard before I knew I was carrying around a mountain of shame myself:

My friends they wash the windows and they shine in the sun
They tell me wake up early in the morning sometime
See what a beautiful job we done I say let's put on some tunes sing along dolittle all day
Go down to the riverside take off our shoes wash these sins away
The river said la la la shame on you I go down to Chicano city park cause it makes me feel so fine
When the weeds go down you can see up close in the dead of winter time
But when the summer comes everything's in bloom and you wouldn't know it's there
The white folks like to pretend it's not but their music's in the air
You can hear them singing la la la shame on you You can feel them dancing la la la shame on you
My friend Tanner she says you know me and Jesus we're of the same heart
The only thing that keeps us distant is that I keep fuckin up I said come on down to Chicano city park
wash your blues away the beautiful ladies walk on by You know I never know what to say
They'll be singing oo la la shame on you
Let's go road block trippin in the middle of the night up in Gainesville town
There'll be blue lights flashin down the long dirt road when they ask me to step out
They say we be looking for illegal immigrants can we check your car

I say you know it's funny I think we were on the same boat back in 1694 I said oo la la shame on you

I don't really wish shame on anyone.  As Brene Brown teaches, guilt is "I did something wrong; shame is "I am wrong."

Guilt can be useful as a cue for taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions. Shame keeps us small.

As I said a few posts back, I've worked really hard to hand back the shame I was carrying around -- turns out, it wasn't mine...