Jesus, etc.

A photo of one of said holidays - dang my Grandpa was sad!

I've always wished I was one of those people for whom holidays were joyous occasions to get together with loving relatives who bring out the best in each other. I try not to wish things had been different, but sometimes I'm guilty of doing just that. I think we all are.

Luckily, I have managed to create a peaceful loving home with my little family of four.


But growing up, holidays were confusing. They were a time when the stark contrast between how I felt on the inside and how things looked on the outside was greatest, making them extremely difficult for me.

We now know, as I've written about before, that the body holds on to feelings that it wasn't able to feel at the time. We don't get to control when they come out. There are some very effective means of keeping them in -- drinking alcohol is one that my family seems to prefer most -- but the problem with that method is the old feelings then continue to get held in the body, weighing everything down.

I've been working hard over the last decade or so - so very hard - to understand, to release, to accept, to forgive, to witness, to share - my own experience, and this has meant making the decision to feel.

The cousin joy I desperately want to facilitate

On Friday, December 21, a few days before Christmas, I went to see one of my bodyworkers. I have been working with him for close to 10 years - -he has been helping my skeleton find its way back to it's natural, more mobile state. For the first time, he worked extensively with my pubic bone and pelvis, a place where I've stored a lot of trauma. I recount this because I think it's related to the events of December 23.

I made a plan for the four of us to go skiing at Cascade and stay overnight at an Air Bnb in Montello with my sister and her family. I love my sister and her children, and a big part of me wanted to go.

Another part started to make her needs known the day before: I started feeling triggered. By now I know the signs that I'm under the spell of my PTSD: I was hypervigilant, I was nervous, I was irritable, I was angry, I couldn't sleep, I wanted to drink to forget. But I didn't listen. I overrode those feelings, and I pressed on with the plan.

I will never ignore them again.

Because what transpired on Sunday, December 23, on the way to skiing with my sister's family, was so awful, so beyond my control, and so traumatizing for my own children that I never, ever want to go there again.

I can recount what happened, but I'm not sure it will help anyone understand it. I was stopped at a point in the journey where I wasn't sure which way to go. I consulted Google Maps, and it failed to help me determine which way to turn.

And then I lost it. Like, lost it like I never have before. I screamed. My son tried to tell me I could go either way. I screamed louder. Everything that either of my children said made it worse. I continued to drive while both children were in tears, begging me to let my daughter drive instead. I simply could not cede the little bit of control I had left. In those moments, my children did not feel like my children, and I did not feel like myself. I was not in my body.

Such a strong, resilient kid I've got, and a ski lover to boot

I feel so much regret that they had to see me that way. I wish it hadn't happened like that. But now they know why I'm still in therapy. And now when I say to them, as I have, "I never wanted you to experience having an out-of-control parent the way I did as a child," they know more about what my experience was like. Maybe they needed to know more? I don't know. God knows I wish I could have spared them. I certainly understand more about what those moments were like for my parents, especially my mother, and I'm grateful for that too.

Most of all, I'm profoundly grateful that no one was physically injured. I'm also grateful for my therapist, who said to me "Yes, you went off the rails, and you needed to get off those rails." Another of my healers - a neurovascular therapist described that my insides after that event were "a whole new landscape" - that before, everything I felt was tamped down, and then the gasket blew. My yoga teacher asked me what I needed in that moment in the car, and when I said I didn't know, she said she thought I needed help. I began to sob. Yes, that makes sense. It makes perfect sense that the help I couldn't ask for and never received as a child was the need I so desperately felt and was finally able to express, albeit more crudely than I would have liked.

Phew. So what does this song have to do with all of this? A couple of things. One, I know that my children and I are protected by forces beyond anything we can understand rationally, by Jesus, Etc., and for this I am incredibly grateful.

Two, there are parts of me that are similar to my parents that I haven't felt the need to fight against in the same way. One of these is my love for TV. One of my new shows is Billions. It's sooooo good.

And on a recent episode, two of my favorite characters were discussing this song:

My treasured musicians, the day after

Jesus, don't cry
You can rely on me honey
You can combine anything you want
I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

Don't cry
You can rely on me honey
You can come by any time you want
I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

It does't exactly retell the story of December 23, but it kinda does...

I Know It's Over

Reading a perfect gift I received from a friend

 I started working on my memoir again, this time in a different way, though I'm not sure I can say how it's different just yet.

I reckon this song will be one that I return to during the writing process, to remind myself that though the memories I'm working with are powerful forces in my mind and my body, it's not where I live anymore...

Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
And as I climb into an empty bed, oh well, enough said
I know it's over still I cling, I don't know where else I can go, over and over
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
You see the sea wants to take me, the knife wants to slit me
Do you think you can help me
Sad veiled bride please be happy, handsome groom give her room
Loud loutish lover treat her kindly though she needs you
More than she loves you
I know it's over, still I cling
I don't know where else I can go, over, over
I know it's over and it never really began but in my heart it was so real
And she even spoke to me and said
If you're so funny, then why are you on your own tonight?
And if you're so clever why are you on your own tonight?
And if you're so very entertaining why are you on your own tonight?
And if you're so very good looking, why do you sleep alone tonight?
I know, 'cause tonight is just like any other night, that's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms, while they're in each other's arms
It's so easy to laugh it's so easy to hate it takes strength to be gentle
And kind, over, over, over
It's so easy to laugh it's so easy to hate it takes guts to be gentle
And kind, over and over
Love is natural and real, but not for you my love not tonight my love
Love is natural and real, but not for such as you and I my love, oh mother
I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head, oh yes
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Mother, I can feel

Yes, I can. Way more than I did when I was a kid...

To Build a Home

Love, love, love when my home contains a fire in the fireplace

I went to a Feng Shui workshop recently, and the leader said that the basement represents our subconscious. She told a story about a woman who paid her husband to go in the basement.  I realized that I had been afraid to go in the basement for the past few years, and relied on my man and my kids to go instead of me as much as I possibly could.

I'm going to overcome this fear. I'm going to wade into my subconscious.

And like The Cinematic Orchestra, I'm going to (re)build a home in more ways than one:

There is a house built out of stone
Wooden floors, walls and window sills
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust
This is a place where I don't feel alone
This is a place where I feel at home
'Cause, I built a home
For you
For me
Until it disappeared
From me
From you
And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust
Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground had arose and passed it's knees
By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
I held on as tightly as you held onto me
I held on as tightly as you held onto me
And, I built a home
For you
For me
Until it disappeared
From me
From you
And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust

Not just yet. It's still time to work on truly living...

That I Would Be Good

And in this new jacket, I feel good too

I had so much unlearning to do when I embarked on my healing journey, and on the way I've met some powerful teachers who have given me powerful lessons.

Among the most powerful was this message, that I was to repeat to myself when I got other less desirable messages:

I am the essence of pure goodness
My goodness does not depend on my actions or the actions of others

It took a while, but I came to believe this for myself, and to teach this to my kids and my man.

Turns out, Alanis has been working with a similar message:

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing
That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you

A Long December

One of my students had to leave class early tonight because she had tickets to see The Counting Crows, another of my favorite bands from my college days.

Although this tune wasn't on the album that I had on repeat in the early 90s, it is one that I heard recently and contemplated, in particular, these lyrics:

I guess the winter makes us smile a little slower

Yes, I guess it does. I guess it makes just about everything a little slower, and requires me to be a little braver than when it's warm outside...

Here's the rest of the lyrics:

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leavin'
Now the days go by so fast
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven I wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California I think you should
Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean I guess I should
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Love Your Way

Outfit inspired by Peter Frampton

It has been soooooooo long since I've blogged. I've been on lockdown. I haven't been writing. I've barely been listening to music, or singing it.

I think it was Lady Gaga that unlocked it for me. That voice of hers could crack open the tightest vault.

This morning, I was texting with a friend who is sick. I sent her some love, and she texted back: "Love your way too."

I'm thrilled to report that this song started to play on my inner jukebox:

Shadows grow so long before my eyes
And they're moving across the page
Suddenly the day turns into night
Far away from the city
Don't hesitate
'Cause your love won't wait

Oh baby I love your way, everyday
Wanna tell you I love your way, everyday
Wanna be with you night and day

Moon appears to shine and light the sky
With the help of some firefly
Wonder how they have the power to shine, shine, shine
I can see them under the pine
Don't hesitate
'Cause your love won't wait

Oh baby I love your way, everyday
Wanna tell you I love your way, oh
Wanna be with you night and day, oh yeah

Well don't hesitate
'Cause your love won't wait

I can see the sunset in your eyes
Brown and gray, blue besides
Clouds are stalking islands in the sun
I wish I could buy one
Out of season

Don't hesitate
'Cause your love won't wait

Oh baby I love your way, everyday
Wanna tell you I love your way
Wanna be with you night and day

And just like that, the muse came back.

Welcome back, sweetest heart. I've missed you so!

Shallow

Damnnnnnnnnn, this movie moved me. Wow. What a powerful film.

I was super grateful to get to sit next to my man and take it in. The music was of course one of the most powerful parts of it, and this song, when Lady Gaga comes onstage, is my fave:

Tell me somethin' girl
Are you happy in this modern world?
Or do you need more?
Is there somethin' else you're searchin' for?

I'm falling
In all the good times I find myself longin' for change
And in the bad times I fear myself

Tell me something boy
Aren't you tired tryin' to fill that void?
Or do you need more?
Ain't it hard keeping it so hardcore?

I'm falling
In all the good times I find myself longing for change
And in the bad times I fear myself

I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I'll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us
We're far from the shallow now

In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
We're far from the shallow now

Wooaaaah
Woaaaaaaaaaaah

I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I'll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us
We're far from the shallow now

In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
We're far from the shallow now

Yes, we are far from the shallow. In nice and deep, where all the juicy stuff is...

You're Somebody Else

Loving the fall sunshine at Devil's Lake

It's been a while since I've heard a (new to me) song on the radio and been immediately taken with it, but this one definitely falls into that category:

I saw the part of you
That only when you're older you will see too
You will see too
I held the better cards
But every stroke of luck has gotta bleed through
It's gotta bleed through

You held the balance of the time
That only blindly I could read you
But I could read you
It's like you told me
Go forward slowly
It's not a race to the end

Well, you look like yourself
But you're somebody else
Only it ain't on the surface
Well, you talk like yourself
No, I hear someone else though
Now you're making me nervous

You were the better part
Of every bit of beating heart that I had
Whatever I had
I finally sat alone
Pitch black, flesh and bone
Couldn't believe that you were gone

Well, you look like yourself
But you're somebody else
Only it ain't on the surface
Well, you talk like yourself
No, I hear someone else though
Now you're making me nervous

Well, you look like yourself
But you're somebody else
Only it ain't on the surface
Well, you talk like yourself
No, I hear someone else though
Now you're making me nervous

You were the better part
Of every bit of beating heart that I had
Whatever I had
I finally sat alone
Pitch black, flesh and bone
Couldn't believe that you were gone

Well, you look like yourself
But you're somebody else
Only it ain't on the surface
Well, you talk like yourself
No, I hear someone else though
Now you're making me nervous

Well, you look like yourself
But you're somebody else
Only it ain't on the surface
Well, you talk like yourself
No, I hear someone else though
Now you're making me nervous

I saw the part of you
That only when you're older you will see too
You will see too

I can imagine how I would've felt if I'd heard this song two years ago, when my man still felt, in part, like someone else. I'm grateful for all the parts of him I've been able to see, maybe especially the part that recognized he was deserving of love and came back to claim it for himself...

I Hung My Head

Gonna miss this kid like crazy

You've got your man in black, and today, you've got your woman in black: me.

My baby left for college today, flying off to Seattle with his Dad.

This is one of those times I wish the world would just stop to accommodate the massive feelings I'm dealing with, but it doesn't.

Instead, I drive away, bawling my eyes out, comforted at least a little by this song on the radio, knowing that this suffering thing is not just mine, it's universal:

Early one morning
With time to kill
I borrowed Jebb's rifle
And sat on a hill
I saw a lone rider
Crossing the plain
I drew a bead on him
To practice my aim
My brother's rifle
Went off in my hand
A shot rang out
Across the land
The horse, he kept running
The rider was dead
I hung my head
I hung my head
I set off running
To wake from the dream
My brother's rifle
Went into the sheen
I kept on running
Into the south lands
That's where they found me
My head in my hands
The sheriff he asked me
Why had I run
And then it come to me
Just what I had done
And all for no reason
Just one piece of lead
I hung my head
I hung my head
Here in the court house
The whole town was there
I see the judge
High up in the chair
Explain to the court room
What went through your mind
And we'll ask the jury
What verdict they find
I felt the power
Of death over life
I orphaned his children
I widowed his wife
I begged their forgiveness
I wish I was dead
I hung my head
I hung my head
I hung my head
I hung my head
Early one morning
With time to kill
I see the gallows
Up on a hill
And out in the distance
A trick of the brain
I see a lone rider
Crossing the plain
And he'd come to fetch me
To see what they'd done
And we'll ride together
To kingdom come
I prayed for God's mercy
'Cause soon I'd be dead
I hung my head
I hung my head
I hung my head
I hung my head

It also managed to give me a little perspective: although I feel a tremendous sadness that this stage of my life is over -- the one in which I had both kids at home -- no one is dead, and my son is off to new adventures.

This is something to mourn and celebrate, not one or the other, and I'm gonna feel it all...

My Oh My

I've been listening to Brene Brown's Rising Strong in the car for the past few weeks. It's powerful, and it's speaking to me, as all of her books have.

The basic message is that we can't skip over the messy part. We can't just say that failure leads to growth without talking about what is required for that growth: the pain, the shame, the rumble as she calls it.

At one point she mentions this song as one that she listens to on repeat when she's in the hard part:

What on earth is going on in my heart?
Has it turned as cold as stone?
Seems these days I don't feel anything
‘Less it cuts me right down to the bone
What on earth is going on in my heart?

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on ‘til the end

My oh my

What on earth is going on in my head?
You know I used to be so sure
You know I used to be so definite
Thought I knew what love was for
I look around these days and I'm not so sure

My oh my, you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end

My oh my, you know I just can't win
I burn it down it comes right back again
What kinda world is this we're living in
Where you never win
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love these days
To keep your heart from freezing
To keep your spirit free
My oh my

My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end

So. Much. Love.

Good thing we've all got an infinite supply...

I Am Mine

A little fanmail I found on the beach

Oh PJ. I love you so. And so do thousands of other people, most of them here in Seattle for a different reason than I am this week - to see this beloved band live.

I have a different mission: accompanying my eldest for registration and orientation for college. What a weird feeling it is to be here, at this point, and yet what a pleasure it is to accompany him to this incredible city to prepare for the next chapter of his life.

Each time we come to the Pacific Northwest, we discover a little bit more of it, and this time we got to visit a beautiful beach called Golden Gardens, within the city limits.

My son has loved the ocean his whole life, and now he gets to live in a place where it's just a few miles away, rather than halfway across the country. And I'm happy for him.

With friends at Golden Gardens

It was all Pearl Jam, all the time on the radio stations out here this week.

Here's one I heard that I'm less familiar with than the anthems from my college days:

The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind
North is to south what the clock is to time
There's east and there's west and there's everywhere life
I know I was born and I know that I'll die
The in between is mine
I am mine
And the feeling it gets left behind
All the innocence lost at one time
Significant behind the eyes
There's no need to hide
We're safe tonight
The ocean is full 'cause everyone's crying
The full moon is looking for friends at high tide
The sorrow grows bigger when the sorrow's denied
I only know my mind
I am mine
And the meaning it gets left behind
All the innocence lost at one time
Significance between the eyes
There's no need to hide
We're safe tonight
What
And the feelings that gets left behind
All the innocent broken with lies
Significance, between the lines
(We may need to hide)
And the meanings that get left behind
All the innocents lost at one time
We're all different behind the eyes
There's no need to hide

Yes, I am mine, and it's a good thing too -- because I'm losing one of the most grounding influences in my life: nearly daily physical contact with my firstborn. Because he's not mine, he's just mine to guide, and I'll have to do so from further away than I'd like, at least for a few years...

New Version of You

Savasanahhhhhhhhhhh

A few months ago, I joined Tantra, a wonderful yoga community led by a very talented teacher. And in that space, I've learned the value of rest.

Engaging in restorative postures over the past few months has helped me heal in ways I was never going to heal with vigorous activity, and I'm grateful for that.

One of the mindless shows I watch while doing chores, Felicity, changed its theme song part was through its life. When I heard this new one, I thought of the new version of me I've been cultivating at Tantra and beyond:

Can you become
Can you become
A new version of you
New wallpaper
New shoe leather
A new way home
I don't remember
New version of you
I need a new version of me
New version of you
I need a new version of me

Yes.

I can.

And I have...

Take On Me

Zoomed in to see the second percussionist from the right

What? Last concert of my son's high school career? How did this get here so fast?! I can't quite believe it. Band was his favorite part of high school, and watching him shine there has been a magical part of motherhood.

What an emotional night! Thank goodness one of the songs they played was an old fave:

We're talking away
I don't know what I'm to say
I'll say it anyway
Today's another day to find you
Shying away
I'll be coming for your love, OK?

Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day or two

So needless to say
Of odds and ends
But that's me stumbling away
Slowly learning that life is ok
Say after me
It's no better to be safe than sorry

Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day or two

Oh, things that you say
Is it a life or just to play my worries away
You're all the things I've got to remember
You're shying away
I'll be coming for you anyway

Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day or two
Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day

Nope, I'll still be here. He'll be gone soon, though, moving out to Seattle and I will miss him like crazy. Good thing his little sister is still here, and still in band, so I don't have to say goodbye to all of this for a few more years...

Radio King

It's hard to carry on a life, raising children, working outside the home, wanting to eat healthy, tasty food... It often feels like something has got to give - and sometimes what gives is spending time connecting with my man.

I heard him singing along to this song today in the kitchen - I'm not sure if it was the Golden Smog or the Jeff Tweedy version -- but it was definitely this song and super cute:

Let's go down, together
3 A. M tomorrow night
I'll take you over anything

Let's go out, together
Broad daylight in the street
I'll take you anywhere

Your music fills my car
Your voice breaks every time
I'm still wonderin'
If I know who you are
I hang on every line

Let's go down, together
Down by the old mainstream
I'll take you over anything

Let's go back in time
Nineteenfiftynine
I'll take you, Radio King

Your music fills my car
Your voice breaks every time
I'm still wonderin'
If I know who you are
I hang on every line

Sometimes we just need reminders that the person I'm bickering with in the kitchen is the one who would take me over anything, and vice versa. We gotta keep finding ways to ensure the romance isn't a casualty of a busy life...

Love My Way

We've been kinda making it a thing to hit the movies on Friday night -- at least while there are all these good movies to see. It's a good signal that it is the weekend -- not just another weeknight. Plus, these movies!

Call me by your name was also incredible, with an incredible soundtrack that included this song:

There's an army on the dance floor
It's a fashion with a gun, my love
In a room without a door
A kiss is not enough in

Love my way, it's a new road
I follow where my mind goes

They'd put us on a railroad
They'd dearly make us pay
For laughing in their faces and making it our way
There's emptiness behind their eyes
There's dust in all their hearts
They just want to steal us all and take us all apart
But not in

Love my way, it's a new road
I follow where my mind goes
Love my way, it's a new road
I follow where my mind goes

So swallow all your tears, my love
And put on your new face
You can never win or lose
If you don't run the race

I feel so lucky, when I watch a movie about a great love, and hear some characters in said movie talk about how they haven't had a great love and probably won't now, that I get to be with mine. It isn't easy, mind you, but it's so worth it...

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Aw oh, Aw oh, Aw oh
Aaaaaa, Aaaaaa, Aaaaaa, Aaaaaaa

I Know Why (And So Do You)

We saw the coolest movie tonight!

It was so beautiful and surprising and heart-warming.

Most of all, it was about love, just like this song from the soundtrack:

Why do robins sing in December
Long before the Springtime is due?
And even though it's snowing, violets are growing
I know why and so do you
Why do breezes sigh every evening whispering your name as they do?
And why have I the feeling stars are on my ceiling?
I know why and so do you
When you smile at me I hear gypsy violins
When you dance with me, I'm in heaven when the music begins
I can see the sun when it's raining, hiding every cloud from my view
And why do I see rainbows when you're in my arms?
I know why and so do you

I do know why, and I'm also grateful that being with my love doesn't mean being under the sea like it does for our heroine in The Shape of Water...

Letting the Cables Sleep

Sometimes I don't sleep so well.

I can almost always fall asleep, but then I wake up with my mind racing, and sometimes I just can't make it stop.

This song feels apropos:

You in the dark
You in the pain
You on the run
Living a hell
Living your ghost
Living your end
Never seem to get in the place that I belong
Don't wanna lose the time
Lose the time to come

Whatever you say it's alright
Whatever you do it's all good
Whatever you say it's alright
Silence is not the way
We need to talk about it
If heaven is on the way
If heaven is on the way

You in the sea
On a decline
Breaking the waves
Watching the lights go down
Letting the cables sleep

Whatever you say it's alright
Whatever you do it's all good
Whatever you say it's alright
Silence is not the way
We need to talk about it
If heaven is on the way
We'll wrap the world around it
If heaven is on the way
If heaven is on the way

I'm a stranger in this town
I'm a stranger in this town

If heaven is on the way
If heaven is on the way
I'm a stranger in this town
I'm a stranger in this town

My friend posted this video on Facebook, and I must say, it's a powerful antidote to worrying, not to mention hilarious! Check it out!

I'll Love You More Than You'll Ever Know

I love me some Amy Winehouse, and today I learned that she covered this beautiful song by Blood, Sweat and Tears:

If I ever leave you baby
You can say I told you so
And if I ever hurt you
You know I hurt myself as well
Is that any way for a man to carry on?
Do you think, I want my loved one gone?
Said I love you
More than you'll ever know
More than you'll ever know
When I wasn't making much money
You know where my paycheck went
You know I brought it home to you baby
And I never spent one red cent
Is that any way for a man to carry on?
Do you think I want my loved one gone?
Said I love you

I love you more than you'll ever know, Amy Winehouse, and I wish the people in your life had been kinder to you while you were still alive.

RIP you unbelievably talented beauty.

South of Heaven

Straight off the set of a Wes Anderson movie!

Tonight we got to witness our friend get married in a way that was very personal and beautiful.

The processional was to this Slayer song, yep, that's right, a Slayer song, albeit being performed by Vitamin String Quartet:

An unforeseen future nestled somewhere in time.
Unsuspecting victims no warnings, no signs.
Judgment day the second coming arrives.
Before you see the light you must die.
Forgotten children, conform a new faith,
Avidity and lust controlled by hate.
[The] Never ending search for your shattered sanity,
Souls of Damnation in their own reality.
Chaos rampant,
An age of distrust.
Confrontations.
Impulsive habitat.
Bastard sons beget your cunting daughters,
Promiscuous mothers with your incestuous fathers.
Engreat souls condemned for all eternity,
Sustained by immoral observance a domineering deity.
Chaos rampant,
An age of distrust.
Confrontations.
Impulsive sabbath.
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
The root of all evil is the heart of a black soul.
A force that has lived all eternity.
A never ending search for a truth never told.
The loss of all hope and your dignity.
Chaos rampant,
An age of distrust.
Confrontations.
Impulsive habitat.
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven
On and on, south of heaven

Not the most uplifting lyrics, mind you.

And the bride dropped a couple of F-bombs during the ceremony. My kids both looked at me in those moments. Authenticity, I reminded them when we talked about it afterward. Authenticity is more important than convention...

Workin' for the Weekend

Here's another classic that's been on repeat for me ever since the road trip, thanks to The Big Cheese, our favorite Wausau area radio station:

Everyone's watching to see what you will do
Everyone's looking at you, oh
Everyone's wondering will you come out tonight
Everyone's trying to get it right, get it right

Everybody's working for the weekend
Everybody wants a new romance
Everybody's going off the deep end
Everybody needs a second chance, oh

You want a piece of my heart?
You better start from the start
You want to be in the show?
C'mon baby, let's go

Everyone's looking to see if it was you
Everyone wants you to come through
Everyone's hoping it'll all work out
Everyone's waiting to hold you out

Everybody's working for the weekend
Everybody wants a new romance, hey yeah
Everybody's going off the deep end
Everybody needs a second chance, oh

I've always resisted the notion of working for the weekend, but man, a long weekend getaway sure reminds one of how powerful the pull of the weekend is!

Love Walks In

So nice ringing in the New Year in a winter wonderland!

Here's one of the many classic tunes we heard en route to the U.P. and back this holiday weekend:

Contact is all it takes
To change your life to lose your place in time
Contact! Asleep or awake
Coming around you may wake up to find
Questions deep within your eyes,
Things you've never realized

So when you sense a change
Nothing feels the same
All your dreams are strange, love comes walkin' in
Some kind of alien
Wait for the opening
Then simply pulls a string
Another world, some other time
You lay your sanity on the line
Familiar faces familiar sights
Reach back remember with all your might
Ohh there she stands in a silken gown
Silver lights shining down

Love comes walkin' in

Sleep and dream is all I crave
I travel far across the Milky Way
To my master I become a slave
Til we meet again some other day
Where silence speaks as loud as war
And the earth returns to what it was before

Love comes walkin' in

Yes it does - and it changes everything!