Praying

Solo late Fall trip to Devil's Lake - so lovely!

I'm really digging this song right now. Like really digging it.

Maybe because I can so super relate to these words:

"Am I dead? Or is this one of those dreams? Those horrible dreams that seem like they last forever? If I am alive, why? Why? If there is a God or whatever, something, somewhere, why have I been abandoned by everyone and everything I've ever known? I've ever loved? Stranded. What is the lesson? What is the point? God, give me a sign, or I have to give up. I can't do this anymore. Please just let me die. Being alive hurts too much."

Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, and after everything you've done
I can thank you for how strong I have become

'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is I wish you farewell

Yep. All that.

I keep having dreams, sometimes terrible dreams. When this happens, I wake up in the middle of the night unable to get back to sleep. I startle at my boyfriend's touch. It's no fun at all.

But there's no other way for me than being awake and alive to all of it. Even though it is difficult for my children that I needed to wish my parents farewell.  I know in my heart and in body that it is the right thing for me.

And I know this, in part, because when I stopped being a part of their narrative, stopped holding on to their shame and taking care of their needs at my own expense, things changed for me. My body changed. The way I treat myself changed. The way I feel about what I went through changed. I lived for so many years with so much shame. When memories came up, I felt disgust. I felt shame. I felt I was wrong.

Now I often feel sad when these experiences come up, but never ashamed. I know that I was a child navigating my world to the best of my ability.

I also often feel fear. I hope someday I won't, that maybe I have to feel the fear I didn't let myself feel as a child, and then it'll be out of my body, out of my system. That's what I'm hoping.

Until then, I'm glad Kesha is here to sing some of my pain with me:

I hope you're somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

I'm proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come

'Cause I can make it on my own
And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known
I've been thrown out, I've been burned ([Live version:] I'll bring thunder, I'll bring rain)
When I'm finished, they won't even know your name

You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is I wish you farewell

I hope you're somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

Oh, sometimes, I pray for you at night
Oh, someday, maybe you'll see the light
Oh, some say, in life you gonna get what you give
But some things, only God can forgive

I hope you're somewhere praying, praying
I hope your soul is changing, changing
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, praying

God knows that's how I've found a lot of mine...