Outside

Future home of stickie notes to organize my book

The Universe is in alignment with me and my book project. Here are a couple of ways I know this to be true:

1) After a meeting with a colleague, I asked her about the huge boards she had leaning up in her office with stickie notes on them. I told her it would be great to have one to organize the different sections of my book, and she gave me one!

2) During the course of the conversation, I told her what my book was about. When I walked out of her office and into the stairwell, a woman ran after me to tell me that the experience I described of trying to piece together what happened in my childhood because I disassociated
from my body for three decades was the same experience she had. We went to lunch this week, and it was helpful to compare notes and support each other in the very difficult work of reintegration.

Today while I was putting away clothes in my room, a song came on Spotify about being on the outside looking in. I thought it was this one, turns out it wasn't, but it's still apropos of the conversation I had at lunch with my sister in healing:

And you
Can bring me to my knees
Again
All the times
That I could beg you please
In vain
All the times
That I felt insecure
For you
And I leave
My burdens at the door

But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

My lunchmate talked a lot about feeling this way, to the point of not wanting to do yoga in a studio with other people. She also talked about feeling that she had nothing left in her to do the work of healing from what she went through - like she wants to, for her kids, but she just kind of doesn't have it in her:

All the times
That I felt like this won't end
It's for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It was from you
All the times
That I've cried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone

I know from my own experience that it takes a good deal of healing to get to the point where you feel you have the strength to take on the hard work of unlearning all that has held you back in this life -- these rockers, whoever they are (I've never heard of this band) - seem to know the feeling:

All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow will be okay

I know now that tomorrow is ok, but I remember a time when I wasn't sure about that, which is just one of the reasons I want to write this book...