That's All

I woke up today with this song playing inside my head, and indeed these lyrics are singing my pain this morning:

Just as I thought it was going alright
I find out I'm wrong, when I thought I was right
it's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all...

I ran into a friend at my daughter's school yesterday when I dropped her off, and he said, as only close friends can get away with: "You look exhausted. Are things not going your way?"

I told him that my boyfriend and I had broken up. "Really? Oh, that's too bad. That seemed like such a good thing for a while there." I nodded in tearful agreement. Yeah, it sure did.

Last night was the first night we tried to hang out with the kids as friends rather than lovers. We told the kids what was happening, and answered their questions to the best of our ability. Overall I think it went well, and I think we all appreciate working through this to get to a place where we can remain in each other's lives.

It ain't easy, though:

I could leave but I won't go
well it'd be easier I know
I can't feel a thing from my head down to my toes
why does it always seem to be
me looking at you, you looking at me
it's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all

I went to therapy yesterday, and she was very supportive of this decision and of my many tears, reminding me that this is a loss and I am grieving. I'll say.

 I think I'm grieving two different things: one is that he didn't, couldn't, wouldn't, as Phil and the boys sing in the last line of the next verse, say we'll be together to the end:

Truth is I love you
more than I wanted to
there's no point in trying to pretend
there's been no one who
makes me feel like you do
say we'll be together till the end

 Giving up the dream of the life I'd pictured together -- that's one piece. The other...

But I love you
more than I wanted to
there's no point in trying to pretend
there's been no one who
makes me feel like you do...

...is the incredible physical connection we shared. I mean it's still there, and we get to access part of it by continuing to enjoy those amazing hugs. But the sex we had together was really amazing, in a way that hugs just can't be, and I'm hard pressed to tell myself (or my body) that it somehow wasn't right. It was. And that's just really hard to understand in light of, as the friend I mentioned earlier said, "the Venn diagram of the two of you shows your circles sharing less and less space." This is true, and yet, so is the rightness of the love and the sex. It just doesn't add up.

I guess I don't have to understand it right now. That's not my job. My job is to feel it, and I've got enough on my plate just focusing on that task. Feel it.

That's all.