The Heart of the Matter

What I knew was likely to be a difficult morning was indeed difficult, and I decided to press the reset button tonight by going to a yoga class.

Ever since my two transformative yoga classes in Philly, I've been shopping around to find a local studio that can deliver something similar. Tonight I went to an Anusara class at Main Street Yoga Center.

Anusara is a form of yoga focused, in part, on heart-opening, so it doesn't feel like too much of a stretch to write my blog using this song tonight, even though it started playing internally a couple of weeks ago on a run around the lake while on a family trip to my parent's cabin (once again, it has taken me a while to get around to posting):

There are people in your life who've come and gone,
They let you down,
You know they hurt your pride,
You'd better put it all behind you, baby, 'cause life goes on,
You keep carryin' that anger,
It'll eat you up inside, baby

The song came to me because I had an incident with my mother the first evening we were both at the cabin, and I had a really hard time letting go of it. There is no question about it, my parents, and specifically my mother, let me down. I'm sure that's true of everyone to some degree, but apparently I haven't finished forgiving my mother for it because when she does something that my nine-year old thinks I should be able to shake off (even telling me she'd assured my mom that I was forgiving, which I do try to be), I find it really, really hard to shake it off.

But I don't want to keep carryin' that anger, because I know it'll eat me up inside, and thankfully, tonight I was finally able to feel the really tough feelings of sadness and regret about my family of origin and with any luck, now I really will be able to forgive and move on:

I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter,
But my will gets weak,
And my thoughts seem to scatter,
But I think it's about forgiveness,
Forgiveness,
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore.

The thing is, I know she loves me, and I also know that to some degree, my relationship with her is probably always going to be kind of difficult, as was her relationship with her mother.

I don't think the same will be true for my daughter and I, though, and for that I am profoundly grateful...