Say Something

I heard this song for the first time today in my car, and it made me reflect on where I am today and where I've been.

When my (then) boyfriend was getting ready to leave last summer, I told him how much I loved him, how much I believed in him, and I told him that if he ever felt he was able to offer what I was asking him for, to please let me know:

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

He agreed, and then he left. And I began the long grieving process that included grappling with the really difficult feeling that everything I thought I knew to be true might not be true after all:

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

I definitely felt small. And over my head:

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

I chalked it up to the fact that it was the first time I really loved somebody with every part of my being. Maybe I just didn't understand that it was possible to do that and not have it work out, even if you tried everything in your power to make it work:

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

For a while I tried being in touch with him, but then I reached a point where I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep actively wanting something so much that I couldn't have, even if it seemed like the most unnatural thing in the world to give it up:

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

I did say goodbye, and in doing so, I gained access to some deeply held grief about being abandoned and a whole lot of anger about not getting the love I needed -- in my childhood, in my marriage -- and even, as hard as it was to fathom, from the person who allowed me to fully love for the first time:

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

I was sorry I couldn't get to him, but I didn't give up on him. I gave up on needing to tie myself in knots in order to make us work. I gave up on the concept that he was the only person I ever wanted to or could ever love or be loved by in that way.

It sucked, but I did it.

Say something...

And then he did. Say something. He said missed me, loved me, wants to be with me. He said he was willing to work on the things that I'd realized weren't working for me when we were together.

And I felt, well, a lot of things, but most of all, relief: that I can trust myself, my feelings, my body, my intuition. That I know what's up, and I have, the whole time...

This is the New Year

I heard this song a while back on an episode of Glee, and it seems a fitting way to mark the first day of a new year:

Another year you made a promise
Another chance to turn it all around
And do not save this for tomorrow
Embrace the past and you can live for now
And I will give the world to you

I'm feeling a lot of things with a new year on the horizon: open, grateful, raw, sad, scared, empowered, strong. A lot of the same things I felt in 2013. But last year, I had times when I didn't say or do what I really felt, didn't write down what I need to document, didn't use the full range of my voice:

Speak louder than the words before you
And give them meaning no one else has found
The role we play is so important
We are the voices of the underground
And I will give the world to you

Say everything you've always wanted
Be not afraid of who you really are
'Cause in the end we have each other
And that's at least one thing worth living for
And I will give the world to you

This year I'm going to try to do more of those things I'm scared of and just see where it leads. Try not to attach to the prospect of someone giving the world to me, and focus instead, on giving myself to the world:

This is the new year
A new beginning
You made a promise
You are the brightest
We are the voices
This is the new year
We are the voices
This is the new year...