Didn't We Almost Have It All

If you've been reading my recent posts, the reasons this song is on repeat on the internal ipod are likely obvious:

Remember when we held on in the rain
The night we almost lost it
Once again we can take the night into tomorrow
Living on feelings
Touching you I feel it all again

Didn't we almost have it all
When love was all we had worth giving?
The ride with you was worth the fall my friend
Loving you makes life worth living
Didn't we almost have it all
The night we held on till the morning
You know you'll never love that way again
Didn't we almost have it all

The way you used to touch me felt so fine
We kept our hearts together down the line
A moment in the soul can last forever
Comfort and keep us
Help me bring the feeling back again

Didn't we have the best of times
When love was young and new?
Couldn't we reach inside and find
The world of me and you?
We'll never lose it again
Cause once you know what love is
You never let it end

Whew, Whitney! Thought I was just about cried out but that performance, especially having recently lost your physical form from this Earth, brought out the waterworks again. Thank you for this song, and I particularly want to affirm two aspects of these beautiful lyrics:

1) The ride is most definitely worth the fall, every single time

2) I know what love is, and I'll never let it end

And then close with your question (love when you scream this one):

Didn't we?

I'm Your Man

Leonard Cohen is one of my favorite poets, so when this song came to me the other day while I was thinking about the fact that I'd stopped making reference to "my man" on this blog, I had a feeling the lyrics would be good.

I wasn't disappointed:

If you want a lover
I'll do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
I'll wear a mask for you
If you want a partner
Take my hand
Or if you want to strike me down in anger
Here I stand
I'm your man

If you want a boxer
I will step into the ring for you
And if you want a doctor
I'll examine every inch of you
If you want a driver
Climb inside
Or if you want to take me for a ride
You know you can
I'm your man

Ah, the moon's too bright
The chain's too tight
The beast won't go to sleep
I've been runnin' through, these promises to you
That I made and I couldn't keep
Ah but a man never got a woman back
Not by beggin' on his knees
Or I'd crawl to you baby
And I'd fall at your feet
And I'd howl at your beauty
Like a dog in heat
And I'd claw at your heart
And I'd tear at your sheet
I'd say please
I'm your man

And if you've got to sleep
A moment on the road
I will steer for you
And if you want to work the street alone
I'll disappear for you
If you want a father for your child
Or only wanna walk with me a while
Across the sand
I'm your man

Thanks, Leonard. That's a pretty damn fine summary of what I'm looking for. I thought I had found him, but now I'm not so sure. So I'm just trying to be with that, and for the time being, continue referring to him as my love, because that much I know is true...

Take a chance on me

In the midst of what feels like (but has not been clearly defined as) a breakup, my love was kind enough to pick up my party of five (my parents being the other two on the trip) from the airport in the wee hours of the morning upon our return from Mexico. Even given both travel exhaustion and some pretty big questions about the status of our relationship, I felt, as I invariably do, a rush of warmth and ardor upon seeing him again. Which I find reassuring, somehow, a sort of validation, whatever we decide to do.

Anyway, when we finally got home and fell into bed, we set the alarm to make sure I'd get up in time to teach my Sunday morning yoga class. As it turns out, we did not need the alarm, as we were up wrestling with the aforementioned big questions.

Still, with my tears of sadness and exhaustion and his own jumble of emotions, we appreciated that the ipod alarm clock, usually unwilling to wake us to music, chose this particular morning to come on blaring this, of all songs:

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

Take a chance on me
(That's all I ask of you honey)
Take a chance on me

We can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as we're together
Listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better
'Cos you know I've got
So much that I wanna do, when I dream I'm alone with you
It's magic
You want me to leave it there, afraid of a love affair
But I think you know
That I can't let go...

Tears in Heaven

Heard this song on cheesy-at-the-pool-favorites at our resort near the end of the week, and felt profound gratitude for this week spent with my kids in such a beautiful spot.

Sure, there are things I was lacking this past week -- a partner to share the experience with, as well as the parenting -- and there were some things my kids were lacking this week -- their father; a partner of mine to whom they have bonded -- but I think I can speak for all of us when I say that having the time in Mexico together far exceeded the hard feelings about what was missing.

I guess you could say I feel that way overall about my life. Getting divorced has been hard on all of us, there's no question about that. And watching how hard I've tried to put back together a family of four for myself and my kids, I'm in awe of the power of that desire.

But reading this story of loss, and listening to this song about loss:

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven...

I mainly feel profoundly grateful that these losses we've suffered are not deaths of loved ones. And I feel emboldened once again in my quest to pick myself up, dust myself off, and enjoy the love that is all around me. Not as it was, not as I dream it could be, but just exactly as it is.

La Isla Bonita

Ah, Mexico. Your pace, your palm trees, your sand, your sunshine... It's good to be back. The inner jukebox fired this one up shortly upon our arrival last week:

Last night I dreamt of San Pedro
Just like I'd never gone, I knew the song
A young girl with eyes like the desert
It all seems like yesterday, not far away

Tropical the island breeze
All of nature wild and free
This is where I long to be
La isla bonita
And when the samba played
The sun would set so high
Ring through my ears and sting my eyes
Your Spanish lullaby

I fell in love with San Pedro
Warm wind carried on the sea, he called to me
Te dijo te amo
I prayed that the days would last
They went so fast

I want to be where the sun warms the sky
When it's time for siesta you can watch them go by
Beautiful faces, no cares in this world
Where a girl loves a boy, and a boy loves a girl...

Everything seems so much simpler here, including that last line, which feels anything but simple in my own life back at home. I'm having a whole lot of trouble understanding why, when that is so clearly the case, we can't find a way to make it work?

Life in a Northern Town

A couple of windblown bike fans check out the goods in Boulder

This is one of the many old tunes that my love and I heard on our recent trip to the mountains (and to your right is one of the my favorite photos of our adventures):

A Salvation Army Band played
And the children drunk lemonade
And the morning lasted all day, all day
And through an open window came
Like Sinatra in a younger day
Pushing the town away, ah

Ah hey ma ma ma
Ah hey ma ma ma hey
Life in a northern town
Ah hey ma ma ma...

An old fave of both of ours, we sang it together while driving through the mountain passes in our sporty little rental Jetta. It was fun to get away together, fun to see old friends, fun to ski (really ski, in the mountains), but it wasn't much fun coming home. It was dreary and gray when we arrived, and what we were faced with when we returned was continuing to separate our lives to a greater degree.

Thanks goodness the snow started to fall last night as we spent our last night together for a while. The blanket of white felt like a clean, fresh start...

Closer

There's a rage inside me that I'm just starting to be more comfortable acknowledging, and I saw it again today. It is an urge to destroy, to burn, to rip... It comes out when things aren't going the way I want them to with men. I have so much anger about how I was treated and what I was taught as a young girl, and sometimes it just comes brimming to the surface. I don't indulge it, except in productive, controlled ways, but I also don't ignore it, or pretend it doesn't exist, or even that it shouldn't exist. That little girl has a right to be mad.

As does Trent Reznor, a man who brings anger to music like few others:

You let me violate you

You let me desecrate you

You let me penetrate you

You let me complicate you

(Help me...)

I broke apart my insides

(Help me...)

I've got no soul to sell

(Help me...)

The only thing that works for me

Help me get away from myself...

...And lots of other nasty lyrics that I don't want to repeat here. This song may help express my anger, and it may give some clues about what I've been through, but it doesn't express where I'm going with my anger or pain.

Because I've got a soul. It's not for sale. And the thing that works best for me is to help me get back to myself, and that's exactly what I intend to do...