Closer

There's a rage inside me that I'm just starting to be more comfortable acknowledging, and I saw it again today. It is an urge to destroy, to burn, to rip... It comes out when things aren't going the way I want them to with men. I have so much anger about how I was treated and what I was taught as a young girl, and sometimes it just comes brimming to the surface. I don't indulge it, except in productive, controlled ways, but I also don't ignore it, or pretend it doesn't exist, or even that it shouldn't exist. That little girl has a right to be mad.

As does Trent Reznor, a man who brings anger to music like few others:

You let me violate you

You let me desecrate you

You let me penetrate you

You let me complicate you

(Help me...)

I broke apart my insides

(Help me...)

I've got no soul to sell

(Help me...)

The only thing that works for me

Help me get away from myself...

...And lots of other nasty lyrics that I don't want to repeat here. This song may help express my anger, and it may give some clues about what I've been through, but it doesn't express where I'm going with my anger or pain.

Because I've got a soul. It's not for sale. And the thing that works best for me is to help me get back to myself, and that's exactly what I intend to do...