Brave

"If you want to see the brave," says the Bhagavad Gita, "look at those who can forgive."

This quote has helped propel me through the long process (probably still in process in some ways) of forgiving my parents, and I thought of it this evening when my friend told me I was brave as I sat in the car with her crying over the events of the last couple of months.

I wouldn't have been so brave if it weren't for my children and my dedication to giving them the best life I can, with my own experience as a child to help guide me. My father hated his father, but I was devoted to my Grandpa. We played the organ together, we meditated together, we walked his dogs, we went swimming at his neighborhood pool. I adored him.

So I knew, when I had my own kids, that despite the difficult relationship I have with my parents, I wanted my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents. And so I've worked extremely hard to heal from and forgive the traumatic nature of my childhood and the ongoing difficulties and disappointments in my relationship with them. Extremely. Hard.

And in some ways we are reaping the benefits: In the car on the way to my nephew's graduation where we would see the whole family, my daughter was so excited about seeing everyone and it was wonderful to witness such an important rite of passage for my nephew.

It was also hard. The stilted conversations, watching many members of my family put away the wine, listening to my Dad's comments during graduation which just struck me as really dark.

One of the things I missed the most after I got divorced was having someone on my team when I am around my family. I am strong enough to wade into the quagmire alone, and I am proud of that, but it isn't easy and it sometimes results in tears a day later and feelings such as those Josh Groban describes in the song for today:

You wanna run away, run away
And you say that it can't be so
You wanna look away, look away
But you stay 'cause it's all so close
When you stand up and hold out your hand
In the face what I don't understand
My reason to be brave

But I'm clear on my reason to be brave. It's for my kids. It's also better for me, I think, but it's definitely not the easier path:

Hold on, hold on so strong, time just carries on
All that you thought was wrong is pure again
You can't hide forever from the thunder
Look into the storm and feel the rain

You wanna run away, run away
And you say that it can't be so
You wanna look away, look away
But you stay 'cause it's all so close
When you stand up and hold out your hand
In the face what I don't understand
My reason to be brave

Go on, go on

That I will Josh, that I will. I don't know if it will ever get easier to be with my family, but I know that I will go on.

I also know that when I am done preparing, I will have a partner with whom to navigate these difficulties and I am very much looking forward to that...