Pinball Wizard

So this is midlife. So many things coming together. So many hard things getting easier. Eating the vegetables I planted for dinner tonight. My stiff body becoming supple.

I think I like 45.

It's not perfect, mind you:

My pasta primavera didn't taste that great: but I GREW the vegetables. There'll be time for refinement. How many years did I wish I had a vegetable garden but never plant seeds?

My body still has its quirks, but overall, it feels strong, and beautiful, and my friend actually used the word supple to describe it when she was adjusting me during my yoga practice today. Supple. I've waited a very long time and worked really hard to let go of all the stiffness that calcified my body, including my heart, for all of those years.

Supple. I was so excited by that six letter word being used to describe my body, I chose the only song I could find with the word supple in it to mark this day:

Ever since I was a young boy,
I've played the silver ball.
From Soho down to Brighton
I must have played them all.
But I ain't seen nothing like him
In any amusement hall...

That deaf, dumb and blind kid
Sure plays a mean pinball!

He stands like a statue,
Becomes part of the machine.
Feeling all the bumpers
Always playing clean.
He plays by intuition,
The digit counters fall.

That deaf, dumb and blind kid
Sure plays a mean pinball!

He's a pinball wizard
There has to be a twist.
A pinball wizard's got such a supple wrist.

See that? And it just happens to be a classic:

'How do you think he does it?
I don't know!
What makes him so good?'

Ain't got no distractions
Can't hear no buzzers and bells,
Don't see no lights a-flashin'
Plays by sense of smell.
Always gets a replay,
Never seen him fall.

That deaf, dumb and blind kid
Sure plays a mean pinball.

I thought I was The Bally table king
But I just handed my pinball crown to him.

Even on my favorite table
He can beat my best.
His disciples lead him in
And he just does the rest.
He's got crazy flipper fingers
Never seen him fall...

That deaf, dumb and blind kid
Sure plays a mean pinball.

I saw my acupuncturist today, and we worked on the heart channel. On integrating the mind and the heart. On stepping away from cognition and into feeling. I gotta admit, it feels scary. The last time I went there I ended up getting very badly hurt.

Then again, as it turns out, that pain ended up propelling more growth than I could've dreamed possible. I reckon it's worth it to venture back into that heart, and not just by fantasizing about unattainable men, but by inviting a real, live, available, middle-aged, supple-bodied man into my life.

Not to rescue me, but to be by my side.

Not so I can rescue him, but so we can ride the waves together.

Things are falling into place for me in my work life, proving I can do a lot with my brain. I feel like I know what it is capable of, but I've only scratched the surface of what's in store for my heart. I want to go deeper. It's scary, but I'm brave.

Ready when you are, Universe!