Snow

Last night I had a strange but awesome dream. I was up at the top of a mountain at a ski resort, but I wasn't wearing any skis, just boots. I stood at the top of this super icy, mogul run wondering what I was going to do. And then I just started skiing, without skis, so smoothly, so beautifully -- so much more so than the conditions would have allowed even if I had been wearing skis. It was really strange, but also, really incredible.

My interpretation of that dream is that it may not look like I have what I need for life to go smoothly, but I do. The conditions might not look good, but they are, in fact, optimal for me.

For one thing, I've got my love, the original snow-lover, who, when I told him about this bizarre dream, said: "I've had that dream too!"

Yep. We may not be sleeping in the same bed (yet), but our subconsciouses are telling similar stories, and that's gotta be a good sign.

I also have these guys. I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and they are the perfect dudes to mark this day:

Come to decide that the things that I tried were in my life just to get high on.
When I sit alone, come get a little known
But I need more than myself this time.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky, and I do believe that we rely on
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice.

Hey oh... listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh, now listen what I say oh

When will I know that I really can't go
To the well once more - time to decide on.
When it's killing me, when will I really see, all that I need to look inside.
Come to believe that I better not leave before I get my chance to ride,
Well it's killing me, what do I really need - all that I need to look inside.

Hey oh... listen what I say oh
Come back and hey oh, look at what I say oh

The more I see the less I know
The more I'd like to let it go - hey oh, whoa...

Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
Privately divided by a world so undecided and there's nowhere to go;
In between the cover of another perfect wonder and it's so white as snow,
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.

Ho!

Went to descend to amend for a friend all the channels that have broken down.
Now you bring it up, I'm gonna ring it up - just to hear you sing it out.
Step from the road to the sea to the sky, and I do believe what we rely on,
When I lay it on, come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice

Hey oh... listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh... listen what I say oh

The more I see, the less I know
The more I'd like to let it go - hey oh, whoa...

Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow.
Privately divided by a world so undecided and there's nowhere to go
In between the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.

I said hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.
Hey hey yeah oh yeah, tell my love now.

Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
Privately divided by a world so undecided and there's nowhere to go.
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow...
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.

I said hey oh yeah oh yeah... tell my love now
Hey yeah yeah... oh yeah.

Even if we don't have any snow ourselves just yet!

Hide

Love Spotify. Especially now that I'm no longer heartsick. And one reason I love it is it allows me discover amazing artists like this one:

Let your head hang low
Let your eyes fall heavy
you can jump, you won't fall

arms wide open, i'll be ready

Let your ego melt fast
Let your smile stay bright
You can hold my hand a tight knit grip throughout this night

So let me be the roots, you need
Let me help you grow
let me help you succeed
know that you are loved
not just by me
see my heart open wide
so why do you get scared
and why do you hide

Let your doubts crash to pieces
negativity needs releases
but i know, i know, deep in you
you just wanna love, love what you do
but pressure hits you like a plank
and ego wants to fill the bank
but the bank in your heart will always be barren
if you don't start the love
please start the caring

So let me be the roots, you need
Let me help you grow
let me help you succeed
know that you are loved
not just by me
see my heart open wide
so why do you get scared
and why do you hide

why do you hide from love
oh why do you you hide
oh why do you hide
from love
why do you hide

I'm super grateful that hiding from love is a thing of the past for me...

Butterfly Kisses

Me in Berkeley letting my Dad's sadness go

For most of my life, I've been carrying around this profound sadness surrounding my father. The first, and longest to date, phase of it was sadness for him -- worrying about why he was unhappy, feeling sorry for him because of what he went through as a child and/or was going through as an adult. The second phase was sadness for myself (this didn't come until my 30s and my entrance into Alanon) -- at first that I hadn't had a father capable of being emotionally connected, and then that I had a father whose alcoholism wrought the kind of abuse that made accessing real (romantic) love impossible until I had done years of healing work. Most recently, upon visiting his childhood home, I realized there was an additional layer: I was carrying his sadness. I guess because I thought then he wouldn't have to? It hasn't worked that way though, and I know now it doesn't work that way.

So here I am now, 45 years old, on the anniversary of his birth (today), with a nasty cough that one of my healer peeps says is probably related to unexpressed grief, but I don't really feel sadness.

Not even when I listen to a song like this, which used to make me feel so acutely what I've missed out on in this life:

There's two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven,
And she's daddy's little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night,
She talks to Jesus, and I close my eyes.
And I thank god for all of the joy in
My life, but most of all, for

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair.
"Walk beside the pony
Daddy, it's my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny,
Daddy, but I sure tried."
Oh, with all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every morning,
And butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet sixteen today,
She's looking like her mamma
A little more every day.
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and makeup,
From ribbons and curls.
Trying her wings out in a great
Big world. but I remember

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you daddy,
But if you don't mind,
I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."
Oh with all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right.
To deserve her love every morning,
And butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time
Ohhh like the wind, when the years go by
Precious butterfly
Spread your wings and fly

She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise,
And I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride room
Just staring at her,
She asked me what I'm thinking,
And I said "I'm not sure,
I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
Then she leaned over and gave me

Butterfly kisses, with her mama there
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk me down the aisle daddy, it's just
About time"
"Does my wedding gown look pretty Daddy?"
"Daddy don't cry"
Oh with all that I've done wrong,
I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning,
And butterfly kisses
I couldn't ask god for more, man, this is
What love is
I know I've gotta let her go, but I'll always
Remember
Every hug in the morning, and butterfly kisses

This, to say the least, was not my experience. My sister reminded me the other day that our father once proclaimed how much better his life got when we left home. I mentioned that to my boyfriend the other day, and he said: "It probably did." And I knew he was right -- that this is just the truth of who my father is -- that what he wants is peace and quiet -- not connection with his children. I feel the exact opposite. My connection with my children is the single greatest gift of my life, and I have a pretty great connection with my boyfriend. It's not that something is lacking there, it is that the love between parents and children, at least for me, is the most profound. But it wasn't, it isn't for my father; I realize he was born during a time when the choice to be a parent was seldom made consciously, and if he had been, I don't think I would be here.

And I'm soooo grateful that I'm here. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to be present to and connected with my own children. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to fully love a man, heart, soul, mind, body. It may have taken approximately half my life and tens of thousands of hours and dollars, but I'm here. And I'm grateful...

The Book of Love

This song:

The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts, some figures and instructions for dancing

But I,
I love it when you read to me.
And you,
You can read me anything.

The book of love has music in it,
In fact that's where music comes from.
Some of it is just transcendental,
Some of it is just really dumb.

But I,
I love it when you sing to me.
And you,
You can sing me anything.

The book of love is long and boring,
And written very long ago.
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes,
And things we're all too young to know.

But I,
I love it when you give me things.
And you,
You ought to give me wedding rings.

I stumbled on it tonight on youtube, and it's so perfect to mark this day for a couple of reasons:

1) I talked to a vedic astrologer today, which absolutely felt like being read to from the book of love. It was so affirming, to hear about me and about my life framed in that way. And she affirmed for me how huge it is that I said yes to my love again, that I am learning to trust, learning to rely on someone other than myself. Yes. I. Am. And it feels damn good. I even got to talk to said love afterward, and revel with him in the fact that the stars agree with our hearts, minds and bodies: We belong together.

2) Also, they started making Gilmore Girls again, and after many years together unmarried, Lorelai tells Luke that they should get married, that they've waited too long already, and it's super beautiful:

And I,
I love it when you give me things.
And you,
You ought to give me wedding rings.
You ought to give me wedding rings.

Here You Come Again

I found this song tonight, kinda by mistake, but yep, it sure does fit what's going on in my life today:

Here you come again
Just when I've begun to get myself together
You waltz right in the door
Just like you've done before
And wrap my heart 'round your little finger

Here you come again
Just when I'm about to make it work without you
You look into my eyes
And lie those pretty lies
And pretty soon I'm wonderin' how I came to doubt you

All you got to do is smile that smile
And there go all my defenses
Just leave it up to you and in a little while
You're messin' up my mind and fillin' up my senses

Here you come again
Lookin' better than a body has a right to
And shakin' me up so that all I really know
Is here you come again
And here I go

All you have to do is smile that smile
And there go all my defenses
Just leave it up to you and in a little while
You're messin' up my mind and fillin' up my senses

Here you come again
Lookin' better than a body has a right to
And shakin' me up so
That all I really know
Is here you come again
And here I go
Here I go
And here I go
And here I go
Here you come again
Here I go
Here I go
And here I go
Here I go

Yep. And I'm gonna let myself go. I'm gonna surrender to it. Because I know, I can feel, how good it is for me...

It's Only

Today was the day my extended family celebrated Thanksgiving. My daughter went, but my son and I stayed home. We spent part of the day hanging out together, and then when his friends came over, I retired to my room for a nap. I'm still sick, so I'm trying to get as much rest as I can.

But at about 6:15pm, when I realized my son was going to be going out, I realized I needed to get myself in motion too. So I went to a yoga class at a nearby studio, where the instructor played this song:

I heard the news today;
That you’re not mine to keep.
Don’t struggle too much now
While I kill you in your sleep.

What is lust if it’s not being by yourself?
I won’t be gentle to the body on the shelf

It’s only water
It’s only fire
It’s only love

It’s only slaughter
We’re only liars
It’s only blood

They’re only thoughts that I’m having;
Thoughts safe within my head.
You’re only crying
You’re only dying
You’re only red.

I heard the news today,
That you weren’t mine to save
I hope that you’re comfortable
In the quiet lasting grave

What is lust if it’s not being by yourself?
I won’t be gentle to the body on the shelf.

It’s only water
It’s only fire
It’s only love

It’s only slaughter
We’re only liars
It’s only blood

They’re only thoughts that I’m having;
Thoughts safe within my head.
You’re only crying
You’re only dying
You’re only dead

It’s only water
It’s only fire
It’s only love

It’s only slaughter
We’re only liars
It’s only blood

They’re only thoughts that I’m having;
Thoughts safe within my head.
You’re only crying
You’re only dying
You’re only dead

And it just fit how I was feeling, in a sad, morbid kind of way. The old me is dead -- the one that was willing to pretend and put on a show to make people think everything's alright in my family of origin...

All We Ever Knew

So I've got this cough. It's quite impressive, really: It feels like I'm going to swallow my own tongue when I get going on a coughing jag. Really unpleasant.

This morning I looked up what my pal Louise Hay says about having a cough. I knew it would be fifth chakra related, and lo and behold, it is: Coughs are associated with a deep need to make a point.

And that fits. Because I do, in fact, have a deep need to make a point.

As I wrote about in this post-election post, I am deeply troubled by so many American's willingness to sweep Donald Trump's sexual assaults under the rug and cast a vote for him anyway. I reckon this hit me so hard because of the nature of my own trauma and my family's desire to sweep it under the rug too. My whole life, including the part where I was conscious of the abuse and all the time that came before (which was thirty some years), I have been more concerned with my father's well-being than my own. Even when I confronted my parents the first time, I was really worried about that, and my actions afterward have vacillated between trying to live in my truth and trying to please or placate.

As a result, I've been stuck in this place with my parents where I feel no genuine emotion - just a sense of going through the motions. The only genuine emotion I feel for them is related to my kids. I love that my kids love their grandparents. I knew that was possible, and important, because my parents had strained relationships with three of their four (collective) parents, but I adored them, especially my Father's parents. It's this knowledge that propelled me to work through my trauma to the extent that I have.

I dropped out of my trauma recovery group partway through. I felt that there was too much emphasis on the misogynistic nature of our culture, too much attention given to the misdeeds of the perpetrator, too much wallowing in self-pity because we've all been through these big traumas.

And then, Trump was elected over Clinton. And I realized that my trauma recovery instructor was right. Is right. It's as bad as she says and then some.

I also continued reading a book I've been picking up and putting down for years: The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting. And one of the things it said was you will never do your parents any good by having a relationship with them based on shoulds. I should love them, because they are my mom and dad. I should appreciate what they have done for me. Nope. Maybe I will come around to that, to either of those, once I finally let it be known what their particular brand of parenting did: it left me with only a shadow of myself.

Now I'm reading another book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F#(k, whose author would say that their parenting may be their fault, but it's my responsibility to deal with its effects.

I completely agree. And that's what I'm finally doing. By letting my parents know exactly what those effects are, by letting them know that I no longer intend to abide or enable a culture of denial, by finally worrying more about how I feel about it all than how my father (or mother) feels.

It's not easy. I don't want to cause my parents pain. But that's the thing: I didn't cause it. It's there, in their twin lifelong struggles with depression. I'm just naming it. And in my experience, naming something can lead to relief.

But that's out of my control. All I can do is admit that all we ever knew, as a family, was fatally flawed. What passed as love was something much less spacious, and forgiving, and nurturing, and life-affirming.

It's super fitting that the song for today is by a band called The Head and the Heart:

When I wake up in the morning
I see nothing
For miles and miles and miles
When I sleep in the evening
Oh Lord
There she goes
Only in dreams, she's only in dreams

Well, well my love
We've been here before
Don't drag me through this again
We've tried everything under the sun
Now I'm trying to wake up from this
I'm trying to make up for it

All we ever do
Is all we ever knew

I know that in my Father's body, the head and the heart are separate. I believe the same is true of my Grandfather's. And I know that in my life, mine were separate for a long, long time, and still revert to that separation when frightened, because that's how I found safety as a child. By leaving my heart, and the rest of my body, and just existing in my head.

It's all we ever knew, Dad, until I learned so much more. And now I can genuinely say that I hope you too will experience the integration of your head and your heart in this lifetime, but whether you do or not, is up to you:

You don't see why your world has no love to give
Well, what goes around comes around
I know sometimes you get so caught in a dream
But now it's time to wake up from this
It's time to make up for it

It's time to wake up from this
Yes it's time to wake up from this
It's time to make up for it

All we ever do
Is all we ever knew

(La la la la la la...)

I'm feelin' low, feelin' high
Feelin' down, why isn't this enough?

I'm feelin' low, feelin' high
Feelin' down, why isn't this enough?

All we ever do
Is all we ever knew
All we ever do

I'm only in charge of me, and of my children. And I know, from the deepest regions of mind, heart, body and soul, that:

It's time to wake up from this

(La la la la la la...)