Lost in My Mind

Seeing and talking with my Dad's stepbrother really got me thinking. I asked him about his parents' deaths, and he said they were really hard on him. Says he still misses them both. We talked about my Dad, and the fact that he seemed not to care when their Father died. I don't think he would have even gone to the funeral if it hadn't been for my Mom, and he definitely didn't shed any tears.

I remember wondering about that at the funeral. How could my Dad be so heartless? At the time I didn't understand it. Now I think the answer is that he went through trauma as a child and basically that part of him, the part that could feel love for his father, froze, and he didn't seem interested in thawing it out. My father once said that the reason he didn't go to therapy was that once he unraveled he didn't think there'd be any putting himself back together.

Now I find myself in a similar position -- with a part of me frozen -- the part that would feel tenderness toward my parents. There are some differences, mind you. I want my parents in my life because I want them in my kids lives, but that's different than wanting them in mine for my own sake - wanting to have a separate relationship with either of them. That I'm a lot less interested in, but unlike my Dad, I feel up for the challenge of thawing this part of me out. I'd like to feel more tenderness toward my parents, but it's not something I can should my way into feeling. I've already unraveled in therapy at least once, and I've knit myself back together (with a bunch of help), but still I feel cut off from a part of myself and I don't know how to get her back.

I thought of this song as I pondered this because my Dad's side of the family is always so lost in their minds:

Put your dreams away for now
I won't see you for some time
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind

Momma once told me
You're already home where you feel loved
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind

I'm the fourth generation PhD or MD (and the first generation not named Herb), and I think the men on my Dad's side of the family stayed in their minds because being in their bodies felt difficult or elusive -- and to the extent that they were in their bodies, they were often taking a substance to make them feel less -- booze for my Dad and drugs for my Grandfather.

I don't know what to do to make the situation better. I only know what's not going to help:

I get lost in my mind
Lost in my mind
Yes I get lost in my mind,
Lost, I get lost
I get lost

So back to my body I go, in the form of practicing yoga. Even though my body is tired from my 6 mile run today, I promised myself at least 4 hours of yoga every week and I've kept that promise since September 1. I made that promise largely because I have a feeling yoga is something that will help with the thawing -- and indeed, it already has...