Clarity

Happy girl -- no laps at Quarry Ridge today!

Full moon today, which means no Ashtanga, so I knew I needed to do something vigorous in order to remain in good spirits during my time at the cabin with extended family.

I brought my mountain bike for just this reason -- and because it's a shame to come so close to Hayward, the site of some of Wisco's finest single track -- and not take advantage of the trails.

So this morning I left my kids with family at the cabin and set off for the Mosquito Brook trailhead. When I got there, my phone buzzed with a number of text messages that hadn't come through at the cabin, including one from a friend who is dealing with the hard, hard, hard thing of ending a relationship when you know it isn't right but you want it to be right and you don't want to be alone.

I should know. I have been there. And that allows me to be there for my friend, to offer her the benefit of my experience, for whatever that is worth.

I think maybe the most important thing I understand now is that it is always ok to make whatever choice you want or feel you need to make in the moment. If there's a lesson there that is asking to be learned, it will just keep coming back until you decide to listen and acknowledge it and then change your actions accordingly.

But there's nothing wrong with taking your sweet time deciding to listen. There's nothing wrong with going back in one more time to see if maybe this time... until you finally get to the point where you realize there's never going to be a time with this man when he can offer you all the things that you want, need and deserve.

That's clarity. And I'm grateful for it. But that doesn't make it easy.

Just ask Zedd:

High dive into frozen waves
Where the past comes back to life
Fight fear for the selfish pain
It was worth it every time

Hold still right before we crash,
'Cause we both know how this ends
A clock ticks 'till it breaks your glass
And I drown in you again

'Cause you are, the piece of me,
I wish, I didn't need
Chasing, relentlessly,
Still fight and I don't know why

If our love, is tragedy,
Why are you my remedy?
If our love's, insanity,
Why are you my clarity?

Because, my dears, the secret is that you need all the pieces of you, especially the ones you wish you didn't need.

You don't, however, get to choose the person who will be capable of recognizing and loving all of you. Not really. I don't think you do.

Because even when it feels like that is happening, if this is the loop you find yourself in:

Don't speak as I try to leave,
'Cause we both know what we'll choose
If you pull, then I'll push too deep
And I'll fall right back to you

Then I'm going to venture a guess that he, or she, is not that person.

'Cause you are, the piece of me,
I wish, I didn't need
Chasing, relentlessly,
Still fight and I don't know why

If our love, is tragedy,
Why are you my remedy?
If our love's, insanity,
Why are you my clarity?

And the way to make space for that person is to look for that clarity in yourself, rather than in someone else.

It can be lonely. I'm not gonna lie. Especially doing things you used to do together.

But even so, my heart is more open and my life is more peaceful now that I'm not trying to cling to someone or something that wasn't meant to be for me forever...