It's a Heartache

Ahhhhhh summertime in Milwaukee!

This morning I hit the road earlyish to drive to PJ's Yoga Shala for led practice. It was soooooooooo good! I can barely even describe how good it was to be in the room with 28 other Ashtangis and PJ teaching us about prana and the true purpose of practice.

I left there feeling great, and headed downtown for the lakeshore. I went for a nice, long run, and then I parked myself on the Colectivo patio (pictured), had some lunch and got a little too much sun. Then I went to my friends' house, where I spent the night.

You may be wondering where the heartache comes in, so I'll tell ya: In the car on the way to practice I was listening to the radio and heard that raspy voice I've long loved, glanced at the radio, and saw that it was Bonnie Tyler singing this number:

It's a heartache
Nothing but a heartache
Hits you when it's too late
Hits you when you're down

It's a fool's game
Nothing but a fool's game
Standing in the cold rain
Feeling like a clown

It's a heartache
Nothing but a heartache
Love him 'til your arms break
Then he let's you down

Those last two lines are such a good metaphor for where we ended up this Spring: I was trying to do more than my share of the work for us as a couple. I was trying to hold us together by trying to implement my vision of how we could work, and it was lacking something vital: His wants, his needs, his agency, his ability to communicate, even around hard things. And when he let me down, I got so angry. I was so hurt. And I began to recognize that something needed to change, and not just in him.

It ain't right with love to share
When you find he doesn't care for you
It ain't wise to need someone
As much as I depended on you

And so I've been working to cut the cords of attachment between us. "You're so entangled!" my yoga teacher told me. And I knew she was right.

Oh, it's a heartache
Nothing but a heartache
Hits you when it's too late
Hits you when you're down

It hurts, this heartache. It hurts a lot. But it feels a whole lot better than pretending things are good when they so clearly were not. It was my daughter who initially alerted us that fact: "You two fight all the time" she said, and we had to take a hard look in the mirror.

We had our first couple's therapy appointment a couple of weeks ago, and it was great. We both really liked her, and felt heard and seen, and were honest about where we are. We'll see what happens...