Parachutes

My love with our friends' dog

Every so often in this blog I post two songs in a row from the same artist, and today is one of those times. I didn't check, but I'm guessing that of the times I've done it before, at least one of them has been Pearl Jam.

Today at yoga, our teacher talked about the story of Penelope and Odysseus, where Penelope spent 20 years waiting for her love. She turned away suitor after suitor, waiting for her love.

I did the same thing, though not for 20 years, but for the four years that the New Englander and I were apart. I didn't want anyone else. Of course it got lonely, and of course I had my moments of doubt, but mostly I just felt strongly that he was my person.

What I'm learning is that someone can be your person, like really be your person -- the person you love with your heart, soul and vagina -- and then not turn out to be the person you can harmoniously live with.

On the one hand, this feels kinda tragic. On the other, I know it happens all the time, and I said as much to the New Englander when we were trying to make sense of what's gone wrong with us.

This PJ song, like so many others, sings a version of what's in my heart today:

Why deny all the troubles when combined
With the missing links it don't feel like home now

That your gone all the troubles suddenly explained infinitum
You're always wishing and never here at home

You all the dreams we shared and
Lights we turned on
But the house is getting dark

And I don't want to know your past
But together share the dawn
And I won't need nothing else
Cause when we're dead
We would've had it all and died

I would've fallen from the sky til you
Parachutes have opened now

Heaven knows if there's a ceiling
Come so low with the kneeling
Please know that I got all the friends I'm needing
Before my light go out
As the doors are closing now

And far away will be my home
And to grasp this, I don't know
But I don't need
Further back and forth, a wave will break on me today

And love
Wish the world could glow again with love
One can't see to have enough

And war
Break the sky and tell me what it's for
I'll travel there on my own

And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you

It's so true. And if it has to end, and I think it does, it's no less true that my life would have been different - nowhere near as full of passion and adventure and learning - had I not found this love with him...