Feeling of Being

The winter wonderland I skied through today

What a nice Christmas. Had a lovely stocking and present-filled morning with the kids, followed by cross-country skiing through some deep, powdery snow, followed by a snack, some coffee, some phone calls with my people, and finally, dinner and a movie on the couch.

The movie I watched was recommended by a friend. It wasn't easy to watch at times -- it was about a little girl whose parents were hopeless at taking care of her -- but it was a good film and the last song in the soundtrack was this pleasant little number:

Bet you if you sink
You'd swim a little further
And I bet you if you cried
You'd understand me better
So I take a little time just sailing down the river
And I'm throwing out my line to see if I can catch the

Feeling of being
How still the night
Feeling of being
One little light

That's exactly what it feels like I've been doing these past six months. Getting better acquainted with the feeling of being, and with my one, but not-so-little, light. It hasn't been easy, but I've learned a lot about myself.

Where I go from here, I don't know. It feels scary to contemplate going back to a world where I allow myself to be vulnerable in a relationship again, especially after all the pain I've been through:

Wonder if we ever really know each other
And I wonder if we ever find out what were after
And the truth of it is were both winding down the river
And if you could only let go,
Find the hidden silver and the

Feeling of being
How still the night
Feeling of being
One little light

But I reckon that's where the hidden silver is -- in loving someone. The trick is how to hold on to the feeling of being, how to hold on to one's own light, even as we allow others' in...