Don't Dream It's Over

I've been marveling lately at how much more freedom I feel in my life, and while doing so today, this song floated into my head:

There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're traveling with me

Hey now, hey now, don't dream it's over...

When the man I'd had my heart, mind, body and soul set on for three years moved away this summer, I couldn't, wouldn't dream it was over, and yet, another part of me knew it was. I hated succumbing to the grief. I did not want to let him go. But I also knew instinctually that I would grow if I did, that I'd become more fully the person I was always meant to be, if I could just stop putting up so much resistance.

And I'm proud to say I have. Put up less resistance, grown, and in the process gained more freedom than I've ever known before. I'm just not held back by the things that used to bog me down -- fear about money, the need to keep my family at arm's length, fear about being alone, fear that if I didn't look a certain way or weigh a certain amount, I wouldn't be loved -- that's all gone, or mostly gone, thanks to just letting go of what was in my way.

It's not all sunshine and roses. I also had to let go of something and someone I dearly loved. I've spent a lot of time alone. I've run a lot of miles. I've practiced a lot of yoga. I've been to a lot of therapy and bodywork appointments. But it's working:

Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only the shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

I do indeed know the feeling of liberation and relief. And I know loss of a different magnitude than I've experienced in the past. I know this will make me a better mother, a better friend, a better yoga teacher -- maybe it'll even help me become the writer I've always known I am.

I don't know what's next for me. But I know it's gonna be good...