Gives You Hell

This morning I got a new garage door opener installed since the old one recently broke. I was lucky enough to have it break before my home warranty was up, so I only had to pay $85 of the $385 bill, which was pretty sweet. Plus, it coincided with my garage getting cleaned (with the help of my kids) and organized (with the help of my Dad and brother-in-law), which means I now have a two-car garage that actually has space for two cars and two working garage door openers. Can you say making space for a partner? Oh yeah.

For some reason all day today, these words from this song have been going through my head:

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying

Only on my internal recording, the second line is: And truth be told I love you.

I think I know why. You see, I sat on my meditation cushion today and had a little discussion with the universe about where I am, where I've been and where I'm going. And as I worked my way through those places in terms of my relationships, I felt something shift.

Now the shift wasn't all the sadness dissipating, mind you, although that sure would be nice. (I know, it'll happen when it happens.) It was just a little more space for the possibility or maybe inevitability that my last boyfriend and I weren't meant to be one another's forever partners. Making space for this doesn't mean I don't miss him, it means I can miss him and feel ok about it. Not just tell myself I feel ok about it, but really feel ok about it.

I remember once while we were dating, he told me that he felt it wasn't fair -- that in love he has always had to give something up. He lamented that he couldn't have it all (he was referring to his mountains and the girl/woman of his dreams).

I was CRUSHED when he said that. Just crushed. How could I not be enough? How could we not be enough?

Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
Yeah, where did it all go wrong?
But the list goes on and on

But maybe the answer is, I am  enough, but I'm not right for him. And by the same token, maybe he is enough, but just not for me:

Truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying

Yep, truth be told I'd be lying if I didn't admit that he didn't have all the qualities I'm looking for in a husband. And truth be told, I did lie about that when we were together, to myself and to him.

But that's all behind me now, and as hard as it has been to deal with this loss, I am also grateful. Grateful that I am here, in this beautiful house, with these beautiful kids, making space, literally and figuratively, for the man that is most things I want and everything I need...