Like I'm Gonna Lose You

My kids and I had a lovely, mellow evening at home last night. I felt so grateful to feel such contentment and wholeness within our little family of three.

Unfortunately my poor daughter started feeling sick just before the stroke of midnight, which left me wondering whether I should go to the special two-hour, new year's yoga class I had planned to attend. I woke up early, and then went back to sleep and dreamt about the class. I dreamt I was wearing these super hippie flowy pants (that I would never wear). I dreamt about trees. And I dreamt that I was trying to get one of the teachers to go running with me (?).

I felt like the dream was a sign that I should go, and so I did. It was a little uncanny -- there was a woman there wearing the super hippie yoga pants I'd dreamt about, and there was a spiral on the floor of one of the studios made out of evergreen boughs (the trees I'd dreamt about). I didn't go running with one of the teachers, but I did get to take class with him and soak up his energy, which is always a pleasure.

The spiral was cool -- it was a place to let go of anything we wanted to let go of from the past -- and to light a candle for our intention, or san culpa, for the year ahead.

My san culpa is this: To show up to love in wholeness, and receive love in wholeness.

Yep, that little beauty came to me during the meditative/yoga nidra section of the class today, and I'm gonna carry it with me all year long.

Speaking of what I'm gonna do, this song has been in my head for days now, and although the message isn't perfectly spot on for my san culpa, it's about loving fully right now, so it's close enough:

I found myself dreaming
In silver and gold
Like a scene from a movie
That every broken heart knows we were walking on moonlight
And you pulled me close
Split second and you disappeared and then I was all alone

I woke up in tears
With you by my side
A breath of relief
And I realized
No, we're not promised tomorrow

So I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna hold you
Like I'm saying goodbye wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted 'cause we'll never know when
When we'll run out of time so I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

In the blink of an eye
Just a whisper of smoke
You could lose everything
The truth is you never know

So I'll kiss you longer baby (Super excited to kiss someone again this year!)
Any chance that I get
I'll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets

Let's take our time
To say what we want
Use what we got
Before it's all gone
'Cause no, we're not promised tomorrow

So I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna hold you
Like I'm saying goodbye wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted 'cause we'll never know when
When we'll run out of time so I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

Speaking of loving, I was lucky enough to share the beautiful experience at the studio this morning with a dear friend and fellow Rumi lover, who posted this on Facebook afterward:

Without a net, I catch a falcon
and release it to the sky,
hunting God.
This wine I drink today
was never held in a clay jar.
I love this world,
even as I hear the great wind
rising,
for there is a grainy taste I prefer
to every idea of heaven:
human friendship.

Amen to that. So grateful for human friendship. And you can bet your ass I'm gonna show up for love in wholeness and receive love in wholeness in the coming year, when it comes to myself, my children, my friends, and my new man...