Live and Let Die

Ah, New Year's Eve. An evening that used to necessitate copious amounts of alcohol and almost always end in some form of disappointment. Not this year. This year, I'm all about being with what is.

I started the morning with my kids, and then took them to their Dad's and went off to the gym to go for a run and do some yoga. After that, I went to a coffee shop to do some consulting work and contemplated my options for the evening. Which, in terms of social offerings, were admittedly pretty limited. I'd been invited to a 5:30pm run downtown that ended with beers at a brew pub. But the temperature didn't even reach 10 degrees today, and while I know and like one of the people who was going to be there, it just didn't seem like the thing for me this evening.

I've been wanting to see a couple of movies, and have put the call out to a few friends, not just for tonight but in general -- hey, wanna see a movie -- and I've gotten no takers. I'm not sure how I got here, to this point where I'm feeling pretty socially isolated, but here I am. I know two of my main people moved away in 2013, but it's feeling obvious to me now that I let my circle get too small.

So I took myself to a movie. On New Year's Eve. It took a lot of strength to face seeing people there -- couples, families -- and I knew I would. Madison is a small town and I know a lot of people, even if I don't know a lot of them well. I did my best to channel my dead Nana, who liked to see movies by herself.

Whatever discomfort I was feeling went away when American Hustle started playing. What a phenomenal movie. There was so much to love about it, but most of all, I loved Jennifer Lawrence, and the scene where she sings and dances to this song with her kid watching is absolutely priceless:

When you were young
And your heart was an open book

You used to say, "Live and let live"
(You know you did, you know you did, you know you did)
But if this ever-changing world in which we're livin'
Makes you give in and cry

Say live and let die
Live and let die
Live and let die
Live and let die

What does it matter to ya, when you've got a job to do, you gotta do it well
You gotta give the other fellow Hell

You used to say, "Live and let livin'"
(You know you did, you know you did, you know you did)
But if this ever-changing world in which we're livin'
Makes you give in and cry

Yes, sometimes this ever-changing world in which we live in makes me give in and cry. Quite often, actually. And I think that's ok. What I think needs adjusting in my life is the size of my bubble. It's true that I've been through a lot, and I tend to keep people at bay, except for a select few. And look where it's gotten me -- alone at a movie on NYE.

Thank god for Jennifer Lawrence. She made those two hours some of the most delicious I've ever spent, with or without a companion:

Say, live and let die
Live and let die
Live and let die
Live and let die

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

After my 90 days of yoga experiment, I made a commitment to myself to stay with my practice as much as possible. Specifically, one of my weekly fitness goals is four hours of practicing yoga, and this means that sometimes I have to practice even when I don't feel like it. I know this is the point of discipline, and I know that it has a purpose, but I also know it can be extremely uncomfortable.

The other day during a particularly hard practice, our pet rabbit pooped on my mat. Yep, I told her, that's exactly how I'm feeling about being here today. My body felt really stiff, so stiff it was hard to do the poses. Eventually, as often happens, I had an opening, in the form of tears, and I experience a much-needed release.

Not so today. I didn't want to practice, I fought it every step of the way, but I did it. For 60 minutes. But I never reached the point of any release, which felt particularly difficult.

Speaking of things that feel difficult, I've recently reconnected with the man I spent three years loving and the last six months trying to get over, which has caused me to reflect on that six months. I remember feeling like I might die if I didn't get to be with him, that I might die if he were to be with someone else. (I'm not being dramatic, I'm trying to explain the strength and depth of my feelings about this.)

But I didn't die. Instead, I emerged with the understanding that there are things I settled for in my last relationship that I'm not going to settle for again, whether with him or with someone else. And I reached a point where I knew I was going to be ok, with him or without him, even if he ends up with someone else.

Kelly Clarkson's wildly overplayed song seems to be the one to mark this day, though it's not a perfect fit by any means. Because while I remember times I sang these words over the last six months with the same bitterness in my voice that she has in hers:

You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color
And do the things I want

And while I do recognize that there are some perks to being single, I'm not going to go all the way to saying the bed feels warmer sleeping alone. It most definitely does not.

But I do think she has a point with her chorus -- it certainly is true of the growth that came for me from a devastating breakup:

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

I'm mostly ok with being alone. I'm only lonely once in a while. But as I contemplate the year about to begin, I'm not feeling like I'll be spending so much time alone...

Atlas

Exploring the frozen tundra

What a great day! My kids and I started it off by cleaning up the house and making soup in the slow cooker for dinner with our neighbors this evening.

Then we headed out for a rather cold, but awesome walk to Sundance to take in the movie version of the second book in The Hunger Games trilogy, Catching Fire.

The song to mark this day is the one that was playing as the credits rolled, a song that Coldplay wrote just for Katniss and friends:

Some saw the sun
Some saw the smoke
Some heard the gun
Some bent the bow

Sometimes the wire must tense for the note
Caught in the fire, say oh
We're about to explode

Carry your world, I'll carry your world
Carry your world, I'll carry your world

Some far away
Some search for gold
Some dragon to slay
Heaven we hope is just up the road

Show me the way, lord, 'cause I... I'm about to explode

Carry your world, I'll carry your world
Carry your world, I'll carry your world

Carry your world, and all your hurt.

As for me, I'm learning slowly that I can't carry anybody's world and all their hurt, not even my kids'. It's a tough lesson but an important one, because if we carry too much for others, we both rob them of the opportunity for growth and rob ourselves of some of our own vitality.

Lighten your load, yes. But carry your world? Nope. Not anymore...

The Mother We Share

When I saw the forecast last night I decided that this morning would be a good time for a long run. Temps were in the 30s and the sun was shining brightly as I headed out the door accompanied by Slacker, which was playing the 50 best Alt/Indie songs of the year. What a great way to discover new music!

The last time I'd done this 8 mile route to picnic point and back was in the summer, and it was definitely a different experience running on the snow-covered path out to the point. Usually that's the easiest part of the run since the ground is soft -- today it was the hardest because of the snow.

This song came on while I was on the snow-covered path, contemplating the stark changes of the seasons:

Never took your side, never cursed your name

I keep my lips shut tight, until you go-o-oh

We've come as far as we're ever gonna get

Until you realize, that you should go-o-oh

I'm in misery where you can seem as old as your omens

And the mother we share will never keep your proud head from falling

The way is long but you can make it easy on me

And the mother we share will never keep our cold hearts from calling

I don't know what the song is really about, but I heard the mother we share as Earth:

In the dead of night, I'm the only one here

And I will cover you, until you go-o-oh

And if I told the truth, I will always be free

And keep a prize with me, until you go-o-oh

I'm in misery where you can seem as old as your omens

And the mother we share will never keep your proud head from falling

The way is long but you can make it easy on me

And the mother we share will never keep our cold hearts from calling

Until the night falls, we're the only ones left

I bet you even know, where we could go-o-oh

And when it all fucks up, you put your head in my hands

It's a souvenir for when you go-o-oh

I'm in misery where you can seem as old as your omens

And the mother we share will never keep your proud head from falling

The way is long but you can make it easy on me

And the mother we share will never keep our cold hearts from calling

All I Want Is You

I was the only one in the office today, so I put on a little music to keep me company. Hearing this song was like hearing from an old friend:

You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
You say you want your story to remain untold

But all the promises we made
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

You say you'll give me a highway with no one on it
A treasure just to look upon it
All the riches in the night

You say you'll give me eyes in a world of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest

But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

You say you want your love to work out right
To last with me through the night

You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold

All the promises we break
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

What an amazing song. I was talking today to a friend about how amazingly strong the fixation on wanting to be with someone can be when we're in the midst of it. It feels like it is worth any price, and it can cause us to do things we might not otherwise imagine ourselves doing. It's difficult, when you're in it, to get much perspective on it, and up until sometime this fall, I was definitely in it:

You
All I want is...you
All I want is...you
All I want is...you

These last six months, I was given a choice: use my broken heart to become bitter and closed, or allow it to open me, to teach me, to ask what's next for me to learn. I chose the latter, and I managed to reach a space where I honestly don't know who I want, because I just want to be with the person who is most able to help me be the best version of myself I can be. I don't know now, but I do trust that it will be revealed before too long...

Feeling of Being

The winter wonderland I skied through today

What a nice Christmas. Had a lovely stocking and present-filled morning with the kids, followed by cross-country skiing through some deep, powdery snow, followed by a snack, some coffee, some phone calls with my people, and finally, dinner and a movie on the couch.

The movie I watched was recommended by a friend. It wasn't easy to watch at times -- it was about a little girl whose parents were hopeless at taking care of her -- but it was a good film and the last song in the soundtrack was this pleasant little number:

Bet you if you sink
You'd swim a little further
And I bet you if you cried
You'd understand me better
So I take a little time just sailing down the river
And I'm throwing out my line to see if I can catch the

Feeling of being
How still the night
Feeling of being
One little light

That's exactly what it feels like I've been doing these past six months. Getting better acquainted with the feeling of being, and with my one, but not-so-little, light. It hasn't been easy, but I've learned a lot about myself.

Where I go from here, I don't know. It feels scary to contemplate going back to a world where I allow myself to be vulnerable in a relationship again, especially after all the pain I've been through:

Wonder if we ever really know each other
And I wonder if we ever find out what were after
And the truth of it is were both winding down the river
And if you could only let go,
Find the hidden silver and the

Feeling of being
How still the night
Feeling of being
One little light

But I reckon that's where the hidden silver is -- in loving someone. The trick is how to hold on to the feeling of being, how to hold on to one's own light, even as we allow others' in...

All I Want for Christmas

While my kids and I were hanging out in the living room this Christmas Eve, this song came on Pandora:

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas
Is you, you yeah

It may seem like a funny song for a single girl to choose to mark Christmas Eve, but truly, there's nothing in my whole life I ever wished harder for than children, and I couldn't be more grateful for the ones I get to call my own:

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
And I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas Day

I reckon the new year will bring a man I'll want to find under the mistletoe:

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
You baby

Oh, I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
And I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe

But for now, there's no one in particular I'm dreaming about being here with me tonight:

I won't make a list and send it

Here we are! Christmas 2013

To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeer click

'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do?
Baby all I want for Christmas is you,
You Baby

Oh, all the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air

So it's off to sleep for me now, so I can get up early and enjoy Christmas morning with my kids...