Harden my Heart

The refrain to this song was in my head this morning when I woke up:

I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna turn...and...leave you here.....

Mostly because last night I'd felt the temptation to harden my heart after it had been busted open earlier in the day by a tearful conversation with someone who was once close to me. The conversation left me feeling some of these lyrics:

All of my life I've been waitin' in the rain
I've been waiting for a feeling...that never, ever came
It feels so close, but always disappears....
Darlin', in your wildest dreams, you never had a clue...
But it's time you got the news......oooo....

Yes, that time has indeed come. But in terms of why this song is in my head the morning after said conversation, my theory is that whenever the past love stuff gets stirred up, my boyfriend and I struggle a bit with ourselves and each other. and sometimes that results in less tenderness than we'd use with each other under other circumstances. A bit of hardness, even:

I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
Harden my heart...harden my heart...
Swallow my tears
I'm gonna harden my heart....

It's true. I may harden my heart a bit from time to time, but I'm pretty good at catching myself and opening it back up again. It helps, I reckon, that I'm not one to swallow my tears. And I am determined to do all that is within my power to love differently this time around, with more generosity, more compassion, and more understanding, for myself and for my partner.

Take that, Quarterflash!