Trust in Me

This lovely song came on at the end of one of the episodes of Mad Men that I watched last night:

Trust in me in all you do
Have the faith I have in you
Love will see us through, if only you trust in me
Why don't you, you trust me?
Come to me when things go wrong
Cling to me daddy, woh yeah and I'll be strong
We can get along, we can get along, oh if only you trust in me
While there's a moon, a moon up high
While there are birds, birds to fly
While there is you, a you and I, I can be sure that I love you....oh....
Stand beside me, stand beside me all the while
Come on daddy face the future, why don't you smile?
Trust in me, and I'll be worthy of you ....oh yeah, yeah
Why don't you trust in me in all you do?
Have the faith that I... I have in you
Oh And love will see us through, if only you trust in me Yeah...Yeah Yeah
Why don't you come to me, when things go wrong, cling to me and woh, And I'll be strong
We can get along, we can get along oh, if only you trust in me.....

And I felt this surge of warm feelings, feelings that have accumulated from all the good times I've had with my man of late. He left on a trip yesterday, and while a part of me was sad not to be joining him, I mostly felt happy for him that he'd get to see both a good friend and his beloved mountains.

Over the last few days, I've found myself talking frequently about how solidly I've felt recently about my relationship, and how much easier it has been lately to trust my heart and have faith that even if in some ways we're in different places at the moment, it feels right and it'll all work out in the end.

Funny then, and I don't mean funny ha ha, that I could come as unglued as I did last night over two little technology-driven let-downs, neither of which, I'm quite sure, were intended to hurt me, but they must've somehow pushed some long-unpushed but fully loaded buttons.

You see, I'd texted my boyfriend to inquire if he'd gotten there ok, and I hadn't heard back. No biggie, right? He's probably busy chatting with his friend, I told myself. And I'm sure that's exactly what he was doing. By itself, that unanswered text would've felt like no big deal. But before I went to sleep, I got on Facebook to download a photo, and the first thing that popped up was something my boyfriend had posted an hour before -- a photo of the sign on some library shelves that said the words Marriage and Slavery and the relevant dewey decimal numbers, and some comment like "must be a coincidence." Relatively innocuous, right?

Maybe. But it didn't feel that way to me. Having survived one marriage going south, I dream of doing it again and fully enjoying it this time around. Relishing it, even. And to do that, I'm going to need my partner to want that too... Not today, but eventually.

In the meantime, I'm going to do what I can do, which is both be in my relationship and be an observer of the extent to which the trust I feel, in myself, in him, in us, can vary from one moment to the next. Doing so can help remind me, in a moment when I feel less trust, that if I just hold on long enough, the place of greater trust will come back around again...