Biggest Part of Me

I woke up a little too early for my taste this morning. I'd had a dream, or a series of them, that were pretty strange and seemed to be about me in another life. My kids and I often talk about our dreams, and I was trying to imagine telling them that in my dreams last night, I wasn't a Mom.

That's when my internal ipod decided to play this number:

(Forever)
Got a feelin' that forever
(Together)
We are gonna stay together
(Forever)
For me there's nothin' better
You're biggest part of me

They really are, and yet, sometimes I think it's healthy to recognize that they aren't all of me, especially as day 9 of a 9 day stint of single parenting is dawning. We've done really well together overall, but it's hard to find time to take care of myself in the midst of that kind of stretch, especially when a pulled muscle makes it impossible for me to do my regular yoga practice or go to my fitness classes.

Even so, I'm really grateful to be a Mom. No one has taught me more about love than my kids:

(Sunrise)
There's a new sun arisin'
(In your eyes)
I can see a new horizon
(Realize)
That will keep me realizin'
You're the biggest part of me

When you grow up like I did, with a confusing set of messages from your parents about love and the instinct to protect yourself from rather than seek shelter with a potential romantic partner, it's when those babies come that you, or at least I, got a crash course in what it really means to love someone. It's big and it's beautiful and it's amazing and it's overwhelming and it can also be a bit scary.

In the best case scenario, one can then take that understanding of love and seek something that resembles it in a romantic partner. And I feel like I really did that, the last time around:

(Stay the night)
Need your lovin' here beside me
(Shine the light)
Need you close enough to guide me
(All my life)
I've been hopin' you would find me
You're the biggest part of me

It doesn't even feel like a contradiction that now, the biggest part of me includes my kids but it also includes my capacity to love and be loved by a man. The latter does, however, feel more fraught with peril (as a woman I knew in my 20s used to say), especially after my experience over the last six months.

Without really knowing I was doing it, I've followed Ambrosia's advice in this song -- I just have to trust them that it's going to work out the way they say it will:

Make a wish, baby
(Wish and it will come true)
Well and I will make it come true
Make a list, baby
(Make a list of the things for you)
Of the things I'll do for you

I've made a list. And I've made a wish.

And any day now, I'd like to hear this:

Ain't no risk now
Let my love rain down on you
So we could wash away the past
So that we may start anew

No risk. Wouldn't that be nice? I know that's not possible, but I also know it's my job to minimize the risk by making sure my heart, soul, brain and body get to weigh in on next steps. I think that's about all I can do:

(Rainbow)
Risin' over my shoulder
(Love flows)
Gettin' better as we're older
(All I know)
All I want to do is hold her
She's the life that breathes in me

I know my rainbow's coming. In the meantime, I'm gonna savor the fact that I've weathered the storm as well as I have, and I'm feeling happier and more capable of the most important job I've been given on this Earth -- being a Mama:

(Forever)
Got a feelin' that forever
(Together)
We are gonna stay together
(Forever)
For me there's nothin' better
You're biggest part of me