Walking After You

With all the snow flurries lately, I've been doing my share of shoveling, and I often listen to Slacker while I shovel. Today when I went to turn it on, they had a top 33 Foo Fighters countdown in honor of that sexy frontman Dave Grohl's January birthday.

I had never heard this song before, but it sure is lovely:

Tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds
dreaming aloud
things just won't do without you
matter of fact
I'm on your back

I certainly went through a separation that wouldn't do for me this summer/fall. But on his back? Nah.

if you walk out on me
I'm walking after you

Walking after him? Nah. I wanted to, but I knew that he needed to go, and that if everything I felt about us turned out to be true, he'd come back:

if you'd accept surrender
I'll give up some more
weren't you adored
I cannot be without you
matter of fact
I'm on your back

if you walk out on me
I'm walking after you

another heart cracked
in two
I'm on your back

I'm not gonna lie. I can't, really, because my blog chronicles the story of my heartbreak. My heart felt like it was cracked in two. It had some healing to do, no question. Some healing from old wounds. Some healing from new ones. And I'm still going to need to heal from that separation.

So far though, that healing seems to be happening more rapidly by embracing the love again. The love that never went anywhere.

Turns out, I didn't need to be on his back, 'cause I was in his heart. The whole time. Looking back on it now, I might've just trusted that would be the case. Because part of me knew it. But I was afraid. Afraid that if I trusted and lost, it would hurt more.

In hindsight, I don't really think it works that way, but I also wonder: if I hadn't left a space for the possibility that we weren't meant to be, would he have had the space he needed to arrive at the conclusion that we are? Methinks not.

A friend of mine said to me that she thinks if she'd gotten a phone call six months after she'd told her boyfriend what she needed and he'd chosen what appeared to be the opposite of giving it to her, she would have been tempted to tell him she'd moved on.

"Yeah," I said. "And if that had been true for me, I probably would've said that. But it wasn't." And it isn't...