Don't Know What You Got (Til It's Gone)

Last Fall, I had it on good authority that I needed to let go entirely of my ex-boyfriend. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I did it. And once I got past the first few weeks, it became apparent to me why I needed to do it: It was the only way to break out of the space I was in where the only acceptable outcome was for him to come back and for us to live happily ever after. As long as I needed that to happen in order to be happy, I wasn't in my power, and I wasn't leaving any room for forces that just might know more than I do about what's best for me, for him, and for my kids.

Being back in touch with him isn't as tidy. Presumably, I can hold onto the perspective I gained over the last six months, but doing so under the force of the magnet of our mutual attraction is considerably more difficult. I do have the feeling that there's more potential for growth in another way, through opening myself up to the vulnerabilities that come with really, truly loving someone and having them love you right back. One of the problems we had before was that he wasn't sure about making the commitment to spending our lives together, but he's feeling capable of that now, which makes me cautiously optimistic.

The caution is important, given my experience both during the three years we were together and the six months after he left. I'm committed to looking at the evidence this time. To watching actions rather than hanging on words. To be in reality rather than fantasy. To take it one day at a time.

Contemplating all of this, I heard these headbangers on the radio the other day:

I can't tell ya baby what went wrong
I can't make you feel what you felt
So long ago, I'll let it show
I can't give you back what's been hurt
Heartaches come and go and all that's
left are the words I can't let go
If we take some time to think it over baby
Take some time let me know
If you really wanna go

I love those last three lines, and they're the ones I've been hearing in my mind over and over again the past few days. There's always been something for me about ballads by heavy metal groups. Something about hard livin' dudes getting mushy really does it for me:

Don't know what you got till it's gone
Don't know what it is I did so wrong
Now I know what I got
It's just this song
And it ain't easy to get back
Takes so long

I can't feel the things that cause you pain
I can't clear my heart of your love
It falls like rain, ain't the same
I hear you calling far away
Tearing through my soul I just can't
Take another day, Who's to blame
If we take some time to think it over baby
Take some time let me know
If you really wanna go

Don't know what you got till it's gone
Don't know what it is I did so wrong
Now I know what I got
It's just this song
And it ain't easy to get back
Takes so long

Do you wanna see me beggin' baby
Can't you give me just one more day
Can't you see my heart's been draggin' lately
I've been lookin' for the words to say

Don't know what you got till it's gone
Don't know what it is I did so wrong
Now I know what I got
It's just this song
And it ain't easy to get back
Takes so long

Hard to say how long it will take. So much of it came back in the instant I heard his voice again telling me he now knows what he had and wants it back.

But doing the work, rebuilding the trust, all the while staying open to the possibility that the Universe has other plans for us, that could take a while...