Hard to Find

Today I had the pleasure of some alone time with my high schooler. There are many things that freak me out about being the parent of a teenager, but there are also perks to him getting older: I can take him to see PG-13 Bill Murray movies, as I did tonight. We saw St. Vincent, which we both thoroughly enjoyed, and then we went out for sushi. It was awesome.

In some ways I know that times like that with my son are numbered, but in a way, they are a bridge to the kind of relationship I will have with him after he leaves home. And I'm super grateful that even at 14, he's good company.

The song that most resonated for today for me from the movie soundtrack was this one:

I can see the glowing lights
I can see them every night
Really not that far away
I could be there in a day

I wonder if you live there still
I kinda think you always will
If I tried you'd probably be
Hard to find

What I feel now about you then
I'm just glad I can explain
You're beautiful and close and young
In those ways we were the same

I think my favorite verse is this next one:

There's a lot I've not forgotten
I let go of other things
If I tried they'd probably be
Hard to find

I'm trying to let go of as much as I can that no longer serves me, and my son is someone who often assists me with that process. Because we enjoy such ease in our relationship, I'm able to hear things from him that would be harder to hear from someone with whom I was not as close. I also felt this way in my relationship with the New Englander: though it wasn't always easy to hear about something in me that was presenting a difficulty for him, eventually I always landed on wanting to do what I could to increase his comfort with me and with us.

I'm working on doing that now with my daughter, it's just harder, probably in part because she's like a little version of me and I'm still working on healing the mini me that dwells within:

I don't know why we had to lose
The ones who took so little space
They're still waiting for the east
To cover what we can't erase

I'm also REALLY trying to say out loud every day that I'm not in control and I don't need to be and can instead trust my higher power (Alanon speak for God or what I usually call the Universe) to keep me safe and healthy and provided for and loved.

And it's a good thing, too, because:

I'm not holding out for you
I'm still watching for the signs
If I tried you'd probably be
Hard to find