Shiver

Woke up with this song in my head this morning:

So I look in your direction
But you pay me no attention, do you
I know you don't listen to me
'Cause you say you see straight through me, don't you

And on and on from the moment I wake
To the moment I sleep
I'll be there by your side
Just you try and stop me
I'll be waiting in line
Just to see if you can

Did she want me to change
Well I change for good
And I want you to know
But you always get your way
I wanted to say

Don't you shiver, shiver, shiver

And I hate to admit it, but this song was on a CD that my first love made me a few years ago, and I never realized it was Coldplay or that he was saying the word "shiver."

I think I know why it's here this morning, though, and that's this next line:

I'll always be waiting for you

The New Englander has told me several times over the last few months that he can't be responsible for me waiting for him. Part of me hears that and says ok, so don't take responsibility for it. Isn't it my choice whether I wait for him or not? Or wouldn't it be, if I understood what that really means? My best guess is that it means not considering any other men prospects to be my mate.

I gotta say, I don't really feel in charge of that. Not really. I mean I could get on Match.com and set up a profile saying I was looking to meet someone else, but if I'm really not, if what I'd really be doing is looking for a warm body and a kind heart connected to a man who is also still entangled with another love and thus less likely to get hurt in that kind of a situation, well, then it feels a little silly to get on there.

I trust that if the Universe wants me to meet and date someone else, he'll cross my path and make that clear: he'll be someone I'm attracted to, someone I can have fun with, someone fit and funny and smart and kind and empathetic. You know, someone like the New Englander, except for the living in New England part.

We'll see how it goes. I am open. I am feeling like this is a period of expansion for me. Today I had coffee with one of my favorite colleagues from the University, and I told him about my big dreams about the next step in my career, and he really got it. He even thinks he can pull together a group of people to talk to about it, so I'm super excited about that. What's more, he told me how much he admires what I'm doing right now in my career, and how I'm doing it, and encouraged me to stay as long as I can because he's so convinced I'm in the right spot. Hmmm, don't know about that, but I sure appreciated all the love.

Speaking of love -- back to Coldplay -- Chris, there's one thing I gotta disagree with you on after my experiences to date with the New Englander:

And is this is my final chance of getting you

...and that's that there ever is a final chance of getting someone. I don't think there is. I think there are infinite chances when a love is this expansive. I don't see how it could work any other way.

But I am feeling these lyrics:

And on and on from the moment I wake
To the moment I sleep
I'll be there by your side
Just you try and stop me
I'll be waiting in line
Just to see if you care

Except that list line. I know he cares. That's never been the question.

So yeah, even as I open myself to other possibilities, I'll:

Sing it loud and clear
I'll always be waiting for you

Yeah I'll always be waiting for you
Yeah I'll always be waiting for you
Yeah I'll always be waiting for you
For you I will always be waiting

Always is a long time. I don't know about always. I often hear Axl's voice inside my head singing a line from the classic November Rain:

And we both know hearts can change

That we do. And if my heart changes, I'll stop waiting. I promise. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I'm done trying to control it. That's not how I want to love anymore...