Linger

This morning I organized a special Thanksgiving morning yoga practice with my fellow Ashtanga practitioners, which felt really great. A perfect start to the day.

From there I went to the gym, ran a 5K on the treadmill, and then headed home for a bath. I wanted to do everything I could to shore myself up for my family gathering.

On the drive home from the gym, this song came on the radio -- fitting not just because of the reason cited by the DJ -- it's Thanksgiving and the band is the Cranberries -- but because my friend and cousin's wife who I always especially miss at family gatherings LOVED this song:

If you, if you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade.

I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude,
It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything.

I swore, I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand?
Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

Oh, I thought the world of you.
I thought nothing could go wrong,
But I was wrong. I was wrong.
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha.
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?

I like this song too, but these days, I'm trying to put the onus on myself. Do I have to let it linger? I don't know. There's a big part of me that would rather not be in the position that I'm in. I'd rather feel just about anything other than as helpless as I feel at the moment. But I don't want to try to force myself to feel differently than I do. Besides, I have a feeling learning to be in the discomfort and uncertainty is the lesson.

Do we get to choose the finger we get wrapped around? Can we unwrap ourselves once it happens? I don't rightly know. As uncomfortable as it may be, I'm just going to have to try to be patient until an answer of some sort comes...