Somebody to Love

This song was also part of the St. Vincent soundtrack, and it's the one that has been on repeat for me the last few days. I think, more than anything, because I love this song's sound:

When the truth is found
To be lies
And all the joy
Within you dies

Don't you want somebody to love?
Don't you need somebody to love?
Wouldn't you love somebody to love?
You better find somebody to love
Love

As anyone who's read this blog over the past four plus years knows:

1) Yes, I want somebody to love
2) Yes, I need somebody to love
3) Yes, I'd love somebody to love
4) I already found somebody to love

But that love and I have entered a period of discernment, not for the first time, although this time I'm clearer that this period is really for him to ask himself a version of those very same questions that I've already gotten very clear on for myself:

Don't you want somebody to love?
Don't you need somebody to love?
Wouldn't you love somebody to love?
You better find somebody to love

And I do mean all four of them as questions -- because for me, having found a love like ours feels like a done deal. But he seems to need to ponder whether he better find somebody to love -- whether this one he's already found or any other -- and seems to be feeling that what he needs is actually to focus his attention elsewhere:

Your eyes, I say your eyes
May look like his
Yeah, but in your head, baby
I'm afraid you don't know where it is

And for right now, though it isn't comfortable, I'm learning to be ok with that choice that he is making, and trying, each day, to understand what it means for me. For right now, it means there's a space in my life where his voice used to be. I'm consciously trying not to fill the space just to fill the space, which again, leaves me feeling a lot of discomfort.

But I'm not railing against the injustice of the situation the way I was before. I have a greater sense that giving him the space to do what he needs to do for himself will benefit me most no matter what he decides:

Don't you want somebody to love?
Don't you need somebody to love?
Wouldn't you love somebody to love?
You better find somebody to love

If he decides he wants and needs and loves somebody to love, and more specifically, if he decides that I am that somebody, then he can come to me from a place of knowing that that's his truth, a decision he's come to for himself, instead of feeling the pressure of my desire for him to decide that and then wavering back and forth because he doesn't know in his heart of hearts that it's what he wants.

And if he decides he either doesn't want, need and love somebody to love, or that somebody isn't me, then I've spent the time leading up to that decision trying to get comfortable in a world without him actively loving me (with his voice and his body). Much better preparation for losing him than carrying on the way we were.

None of this is easy, but the things worth fighting for -- whether the somebody I love or being more comfortable on my own -- never are, are they?