Alleluia! Sing to Jesus

This year on Easter, I attended St. Dunstan's church with my Mom. We chose this church because the Reverend is someone I used to babysit when she was a kid, back in West Lafayette, IN. It was great to see her again and she did a lovely job with the service so I decided I might just go back before next year on Easter (which is my usual church attendance schedule).

I haven't been able to get back there until today, whether because of yoga workshops or having my kids, who are reluctant to attend church with me. And I get that, but if I possibly can, I would like them to try to bring curiosity to churchgoing (and every other experience/potential experience) rather than judgement. Understanding what people might get out of going to church -- even if they themselves don't get that out of the experience -- is something that I believe would serve them in their lives. But it's also not something I want to force. Alas.

Today it was just me, and a new moon (so I didn't practice Ashtanga today), so off to church I went. One of the things that I find happens for me at church, which you will not find surprising, is that it makes me cry. Specifically, singing hymns, like this one that we sang today, makes me weep:

Alleluia! Sing to Jesus!
His the scepter, his the throne;
Alleluia! His the triumph,
his the victory alone.
Hark! The songs of peaceful Zion
thunder like a mighty flood.
Jesus, out of every nation,
has redeemed us by his blood.

Alleluia! Not as orphans
are we left in sorrow now;
Alleluia! He is near us;
faith believes nor questions how.
Though the cloud from sight received him
when the forty days were o'er,
shall our hearts forget his promise,
"I am with you evermore"?

Alleluia! Heavenly High Priest,
here on earth our help, our stay;
Alleluia! Hear the sinful
cry to you from day to day.
Intercessor, friend of sinners,
earth's Redeemer, hear our plea,
where the songs of all the sinless
sweep across the crystal sea.

Alleluia! King eternal,
you the Lord of lords we own:
Alleluia! born of Mary,
earth your footstool, heaven your throne:
you within the veil, have entered,
robed in flesh, our great High Priest:
by your Spirit, left us heavenward,
in the Eucharistic feast!

Why, you ask? I'm wondering the same thing. I think part of it is explained by the fact that with the protection of the sound of the organ, I feel free to really belt it out in a way that I don't often do (I don't have the greatest singing voice). Grief is held in the lungs, so any trapped tears are bound to be released when I sing my heart out. I also think part of it is that it reminds me of my childhood in a really powerful way. I talked to my childhood friend on Sunday, too, who suggested a third reason. She said church is a place for her where she is often confronted with the concept that she is worthy of love no matter what she does or says, and this is still, on some level, difficult to believe or accept. So that could be playing a role too.

Whatever it is, I decided to play and sing this song at home until I felt all cried out. Hasn't happened yet...