What I Wouldn't Do

Saturday was an absolutely dismal day to play soccer, particularly in the morning. It was raining, the field was wet, it was windy, and it was cold.

Walking from my car to the field, I said to myself "this is love" and the lyrics to a song I'd heard on the drive out to the park started playing in my head:

If you should fall to pieces
You know I’ll pick them up
There are so many reasons
I’m never going to get enough
If you should leave this country
You know I’ll come to you
Because you always love me
oh what I wouldn’t do
oh what I wouldn’t do

I’ll carry the weight
I’ll do anything for you
My bones may break
but I’ll never be untrue
Woah-oh-oh Woah
Woah-oh-oh Woah
Woah-oh-oh Woah
Oh what I wouldn’t do
Oh what I wouldn’t do

Your love is like an ocean
that always takes me home
Whispering wind is blowing
telling me I’m not alone
Your love is like a river
that I am floating down
I’ve never been a swimmer
but I know that I’ll never drown
I know that I’ll never drown

The current grows stronger
under different shades of blue
I’ve fallen in your water
forget everything I knew
Woah-oh-oh Woah
Woah-oh-oh Woah
Woah-oh-oh Woah
Oh what I wouldn’t do
Oh what I wouldn’t do

Oh the things I never noticed
Opened my ears to the chorus
You have made me listen careful
And you gave me the line
Woah-oh-oh Woah
Woah-oh-oh Woah
Woah-oh-oh Woah
Woah-oh-oh Woah
I’ll carry the weight
I’ll do anything for you
My bones may break
but I’ll never be untrue
The current grows stronger
under different shades of blue
I’ve fallen in your water
Oh what I wouldn’t do
Oh what I wouldn’t do
oh what I wouldn’t do

I know this song was written for a lover, but the first time I felt a love this big it was for my eldest soccer player. Maybe that's not the way it's supposed to work, but it's how it worked for me. It took having a child to burst my frozen heart open, and having another one to force me to do the hard work of integrating my heart into my body and my life.

And lucky for me, I've also had the oh what I wouldn't do feeling about a man; a really terrific man who, it turns out, had a pretty long list of what he wouldn't or couldn't (I still don't really know which) do for me. I told him my theory that sometimes it takes having a baby to stick around and do the real work that allows for the giving and receiving of love, but he wasn't interested in that, either.

As it turns out, I'm good with the not having another baby decision. And I know that I'll get to fall in the water again at some point...