Changes

I have to admit, I'm adept at dealing with some pretty difficult shit. I was talking to a friend about my situation with the man-whom-I-thought-was-my man's impending departure, and she called my present state of waiting for that to happen "torture."

It sucks, there's no doubt about it, but I seem to have a pretty good system down. I have a good cry in the morning, and then I'm often good for the rest of the day -- not always, but often.

Speaking of often, it is often music that brings out those tears -- and this morning it was hearing this number in the car after dropping my son off at school that got them flowing:

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

The other day my counselor told me I was in a state of transition. She talked about death being our biggest transition, but this one resembling that in many ways. It does feel like something is dying, and it's my dream that this would be the man to make my family whole again, my dream that when I loved with my whole heart, I'd be able to count on it for more than just a fleeting couple, nearly three years of passion:

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through

Ch-ch-chh-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't tell t hem to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time-c

For whatever reason, this has always been my favorite part of this song:

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through

I reckon I just have to trust that these paces I'm going through are going to give me more information, and if I had to guess what that information is it would be something along the lines of the fact that sometimes there's just a mismatch between the love one feels in the heart and the love one needs to be able to both give and receive in daily life.

In any case, these are some pretty big changes. Good thing I'm up for it:

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Oh, look out you rock 'n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time

Look out you rock 'n rollers!