One More Night

This morning on my 9-mile run, I was feeling good, feeling like anything was possible. I ran the last couple of miles as hard as I could, and as I ran, I had a visceral memory of how great it felt in junior high and high school when I did well as a competitive runner in track and cross country.

This afternoon, however, I took a turn toward a much bleaker outlook. I ran into a friend at the grocery store, and we were talking about my moved-to-Madison-to-be-with-me New Englander. My friend said that he still thinks he'll change his mind about leaving, and how much he believes he'll regret the decision if he does move. I don't know if people say that because they think that's what I want to hear, or because they believe it, or a bit of both, but in any event, I find it very difficult to hear.

As much as I'm trying to be with what is and be ok with it, tonight I just feel really alone, much like Bob sings about here (unfortunately, I could not find a video of the young Bob singing this fine song, but I did find a cover of it featuring an adorable father and daughter):

One more night, the stars are in sight
But tonight I’m as lonesome as can be
Oh, the moon is shinin’ bright
Lighting ev’rything in sight
But tonight no light will shine on me

I suppose over time I'll sort my feelings out, or they'll evolve, but at the moment I can't decide if I want him to live to regret the decision to leave. I don't suppose I do, but it just feels so wrong to me. I remember how it felt when he pulled into my driveway after he drove across the country the first time. I felt so much joy and promise -- like the rest of my life had arrived, and I'm just not sure I can bear watching it drive away again:

Oh, it’s shameful and it’s sad I lost the only pal I had
I just could not be what she wanted me to be
I will turn my head up high
To that dark and rolling sky
For tonight no light will shine on me

One more night, I will wait for the light
While the wind blows high above the tree
Oh, I miss my darling so
I didn’t mean to see her go
But tonight no light will shine on me

I reckon the only way I'm going to be able to do it is to rewrite that story. As it turns out, the rest of my life isn't going to be driving away, just the person that my heart, soul, body and mind believed would be my partner in that life.

Alas, one of the most powerful lessons I learned during my time in the Alanon program is that feelings aren't facts. Next time around, I'll have to remember to look for the evidence that the things that I'm hoping are happening in my life are truly happening...